Daughters wedding vs DFD

CH27

May2013 wrote: »

Thank you for your replies.

I love the idea of giving them a financial gift on their 1st wedding anniversary!!

My daughter is aware of my financial situation and would be mortified if she thought that I was getting my knickers into such a twist over this, she has not asked nor expects any financial help but I have been on such a ridiculously tight budget for so many years I have not really been able to help her or her brothers as they have flown the nest to set up independent lives of their own. For me being able to do my bit to help towards the wedding was a way of making up for the bits I haven't been able to do over the last few years.

If I can find a way of maybe affording the dress I could then gift her the rest of the money once I'm in a better financial position.

Thank you so much for your suggestions and understanding....I thought I was going mad there when I couldn't get any perspective on this

I think buying her dress would be more than enough.

JCP

May2013 wrote: »

I have not really been able to help her or her brothers as they have flown the nest to set up independent lives of their own.

I think the example which you have shown them of dealing with your problems and getting out of debt yourself may be the biggest help which you ever give them - don't be so hard on yourself.

Brighton_belle

My own point of view is to keep prioritising your DFD: one never knows when illness might strike or redundancy and drastically reduce your income and then you have all the stress of debts still hanging over you on top of enforced life style change.
There will be plenty of times in the future when any little nest egg you wish to save and give them will be fantastic- buying a home, when they have kids and mums on maternity leave. In the meantime, you have taught your children to make their own way in life: a great gift from any parent. Well done for dealing with your debts:T

Kimberley82

I think you need to chill out a bit, yes paying of your debt is important but so is you daughters wedding. Dont let yourself get over whelmed with paying it off you have to live too.

make_me_wise

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on doing so well with clearing your debt. You ought to be extremely proud OP of such an achievement. I am sure you have lots of conflicting emotions over this situation.

Personally I dont think you should delay getting debt free. Giving money at a later stage could be really useful to your daughter and her new husband. Give them a nice gift for their wedding but not something that will effect your finances badly.

Then give them something once you are debt free and can afford to. Around their first wedding anniversary could be nice. They may have settled in their first home by then and could use the cash to do it up. Or if they plan to start a family you could be the one to open a savings account up for your first grandchild. How fab would that be and what a great start to life for him/her. Will teach the little one the value of money from the off, a very valuable lesson in life.

Spendless

What had you intended giving them moneywise if they had stuck to their original 2013 wedding date? I ask because your sig reads your DFD as feb 2013, and you state in your opening post that giving them money for this year would put you back by months (not years).

victory

Kimberley82 wrote: »

I think you need to chill out a bit, yes paying of your debt is important but so is you daughters wedding. Dont let yourself get over whelmed with paying it off you have to live too.

Well it is and isn't, what is the point of getting more into debt for a wedding? Who does that help? It adds a huge amount of stress to the debtor, guilt maybe to the daughter and maybe even resentment may creep in for the debtor because once the wedding is over they still have masses of months trying to get back to being debt free.

Life is to live sure but it is also to be responsible and if the debt isgoing to be paid off feb 2013 that is when life can begin, life will open up and be all that much sweeter, more debt is unnecessary for one day of show.

May2013

Spendless wrote: »

What had you intended giving them moneywise if they had stuck to their original 2013 wedding date? I ask because your sig reads your DFD as feb 2013, and you state in your opening post that giving them money for this year would put you back by months (not years).

I hadn't got a number in mind but was thinking along the lines of buying the dress, flower girls dresses, paying for the photographer, maybe the champagne for the toast, etc...pretty much whatever I could reasonably afford.

victory wrote: »

Well it is and isn't, what is the point of getting more into debt for a wedding? Who does that help? It adds a huge amount of stress to the debtor, guilt maybe to the daughter and maybe even resentment may creep in for the debtor because once the wedding is over they still have masses of months trying to get back to being debt free.

Life is to live sure but it is also to be responsible and if the debt isgoing to be paid off feb 2013 that is when life can begin, life will open up and be all that much sweeter, more debt is unnecessary for one day of show.

These are exactly my thoughts...I don't think I will ever resent DD for pulling the wedding forward, it's right for her therefore she has my blessing but my oh my will I resent the fact that the debt is hanging around for any longer than it needs to. I can almost taste my DF existence and can visualise all the lovely things I will be able to do with the family once I get there...but I guess curved balls are to be expected...I just need to put all my learning's into practice and do the best I can within a set budget

claire16c

May2013 wrote: »

I hadn't got a number in mind but was thinking along the lines of buying the dress, flower girls dresses, paying for the photographer, maybe the champagne for the toast, etc...pretty much whatever I could reasonably afford.



These are exactly my thoughts...I don't think I will ever resent DD for pulling the wedding forward, it's right for her therefore she has my blessing but my oh my will I resent the fact that the debt is hanging around for any longer than it needs to. I can almost taste my DF existence and can visualise all the lovely things I will be able to do with the family once I get there...but I guess curved balls are to be expected...I just need to put all my learning's into practice and do the best I can within a set budget

That is true. But the wedding will have been gone by then. And you shouldnt miss out. At least once you are debt free you will also be able to look back at memories of the wedding even if it took you a few more months to get to it.

It sounds like you have an understanding daughter, and Im sure to her it is much more important that you are just there sharing the day, and not how much money you give her towards it. I think something for her 1st anniversary would be really nice as well because she would probably not expect it and would be even more of a suprise.

Kay_Peel

Presumably your daughter and her partner have budgeted for the wedding and have brought it forward because they can afford it. You say that she doesn't expect you to contribute to the wedding costs - she probably appreciates that you will be hard-pressed to fund your own travel and accommodation, let alone pay for photographers and dresses and stuff.

Her change of plans has driven a coach and horses through your own plans and dreams and I feel for you. You are faced with a terrible dilemma - to continue working towards your freedom and your ability to make choices or to remain shackled by debt for longer than you anticipated for the sake of giving your daughter some financial assistance on her Big Day.

Personally, I think that you have to believe your daughter. She wants you to reach debt-freedom and she doesn't want you to be knocked off-course from your goals. She doesn't need or want your money - I suspect that you have given her, and will continue to give her, far more than money can buy.

Best wishes to you and congratulations to your daughter.