Daughters wedding vs DFD

May2013

I'm appealing for impartial, unemotional, rational thinking please….long story short, had my LBM in 2007 having racked up an impressive £52k of unsecured debt….I have worked tirelessly since that day to achieve a debt free status which is currently just 18 short months away…or so I thought!!!

Today my daughter announced that she plans to pull forward her wedding date to June 2012…. They had originally set a date for 2013 and as I will be debt free by then I had offered to help where I could to cover some of the costs. There is absolutely no way that I'll be able to help them next year without setting back my DFD by several months and as selfish as it sounds after so many years of slogging away at this I just don't feel that can face going backwards.....I could just cry!!!

I know that she doesn't expect me to help financially but I really want to and could if she had kept to the original date. They are planning to get married abroad so I'm looking at about £600 just to cover the costs of my flights, accommodation & food etc, that's before I even start thinking about contributing financially towards the day.

This is my only daughters 'big day'. So what if my DFD gets put back a few months? It doesn't really matter does it? So why am I feeling so frustrated and struggling to think of positive angles to this? ...somebody please slap me round the face and tell me to get a grip!!

seafarers_wife

Personally keep your own debt free date, and if you can afford to help them out after your debt free then do so. its her choice to bring the wedding forward and im assuming she knows your financial situation so stick with what you originally had planned.

lostinrates

what about giving them a financial gift for a first wedding anniversary gift and just putting the money aside for your flights/smaller gift?

I think a gift of understanding financial responsibility is no bad thing....especially if followed with a ''nicer'' gift later.

Have you spoken to your daughter about it?

Plans_all_plans

Don't feel bad, plenty of people get married with no financial assistance from their parents!! In fact, I'd say that most people have to save to do it themselves and there's certainly no obligation on "the bride's family" to foot the bill these days!

I would however say that if you feel really bad about this, you could say to your daughter that once you're debt free, you'd be willing to give her x amount at that point which she can use as she sees fit.

I agree with seafarers wife in the main, because I feel that your DD must know your situation and has CHOSEN to bring forward her wedding. Obviously, I think you should attend and the £600 cost of this will just have to be swallowed, but in terms of contributing financially to the day itself, you should put your own DFD first.

I feel for you though, because your emotions are bound to be conflicted.

I think the best way forward is to explain to your DD the situation and if you'd like to contribute to her future, instead of to the wedding day itself, tell her this. Honestly, I think she'll understand.

bagginslover

May2013 wrote: »

This is my only daughters 'big day'. So what if my DFD gets put back a few months? It doesn't really matter does it?

I think this sums it up really. You have worked immensely hard, and have done very well to get this far (congrats!), but this is her big day, it has to be when she and her hubby to be want it. If it were to set you back a year or more then being upset would be very understandable, but for the sake of a few months, don't stress. I do understand you being upset, honestly I do, but is your debt free status more important than your daughter? If you cant afford to help out with the costs of the wedding, then don't, and explain to her why not (even if she doesn't expect it, it will help you feel better about it). Being debt free is important, but this is more important

gelato_cat

Well done on your progress so far. Does your daughter know that you have debts you are trying to clear down? I ask because you will need to incur big costs just to attend the wedding - she may not realise that changing the date puts you in a sticky situation financially.

I can understand if you don't want to discuss your money problems with her, but I think in this situation a problem shared is a problem halved...

Suze

May2013 wrote: »

I know that she doesn't expect me to help financially but I really want to and could if she had kept to the original date. They are planning to get married abroad so I'm looking at about £600 just to cover the costs of my flights, accommodation & food etc, that's before I even start thinking about contributing financially towards the day.

This is my only daughters 'big day'. So what if my DFD gets put back a few months? It doesn't really matter does it? So why am I feeling so frustrated and struggling to think of positive angles to this? ...somebody please slap me round the face and tell me to get a grip!!

January20

May2013, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you feel. It is a hard slog to get to a DFD, and I bet you have worked hard and looked forward to that date, and this is just one more hurdle that you didn't need. Does your daughter know your financial situation? If so, then she brings the date forward in the full knowledge that you will not be debt free and therefore should not expect any help from you, and you shouldn't feel guilty. If she doesn't know, then it is time to speak to her and tell her exactly what the situation is and how difficult it is already going to be for you to get the money together to accompany them abroad.

If she is old enough to get married, she is old enough to understand her parent's financial situation and give you the (moral) support that you need and frankly deserve tackling such a large debt!

ETA: Lostinrates' idea of a gift on the 1st anniversary is brilliant!

Spirit_2

Different family event but one of the consequences of focusing on the fastest route to being debt free is that you may miss life opportunities that are unrepeatable.

I recounted my experience of this here :
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/46293901#Comment_46293901

FWIW if I had my time again I would have slowed my DFD.

Were it my dd's wedding I would want to enjoy it with a good heart and not resent a penny that I spent, so whatever it is that you decide I hope you are supported in your decision by those who love you.

*Louise*

I always wonder why family aren't just more honest with each other in situations like this.

It's easy to say to your DD, 'sorry, I am still clearing debts in 2012, so can't really help out as much as I'd like to. However I would like to make it up to you on your first anniversary.'

If daughter doesnt like it, then she would be a bit selfish tbh. She is more than old enough to understand that parents can't just pluck money out of the air without suffering the consequences) but I'm sure she will understand if you are honest from the start

May2013

Thank you for your replies.

I love the idea of giving them a financial gift on their 1st wedding anniversary!!

My daughter is aware of my financial situation and would be mortified if she thought that I was getting my knickers into such a twist over this, she has not asked nor expects any financial help but I have been on such a ridiculously tight budget for so many years I have not really been able to help her or her brothers as they have flown the nest to set up independent lives of their own. For me being able to do my bit to help towards the wedding was a way of making up for the bits I haven't been able to do over the last few years.

If I can find a way of maybe affording the dress I could then gift her the rest of the money once I'm in a better financial position.

Thank you so much for your suggestions and understanding....I thought I was going mad there when I couldn't get any perspective on this

May2013

Spirit wrote: »

Different family event but one of the consequences of focusing on the fastest route to being debt free is that you may miss life opportunities that are unrepeatable.

I recounted my experience of this here :
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/46293901#Comment_46293901

FWIW if I had my time again I would have slowed my DFD.

Were it my dd's wedding I would want to enjoy it with a good heart and not resent a penny that I spent, so whatever it is that you decide I hope you are supported in your decision by those who love you.

Wow...that really is food for thought....conquering my DFD has been all consuming in recent years. Quite literally everything has been / is on hold until Feb 2013...time to rethink maybe x