Male Friend Problems

totheleft

mikey72 wrote: »

I was beginning to think it might have involved some discussion on his relationship with you.

Everyone spoke about our friendship including bosses but it wouldn't have caused a argument. No ones business at the end of the day.

mikey72

You've been friends for years.
A possible view would be that perhaps he wanted to have a different relationship, but didn't think you did, or didn't know how to change the relationship.
During a row with his male boss, maybe they said things that shouldn't have been, regarding him not doing anything over the relationship, and in the end your friend resigned.
And after that, you also tell the rest of the office the row was the reason he left, and especially after he asked you not to.

But if the row was about his next pay rise I take it all back.

I don't put him in the drama queen camp.
I don't think he'll forget you but he may well move on.
The other question is how you really feel about him as well.

Newgirl_2

totheleft wrote: »

Yeah but it wasn't that big of a deal or secret. People were going to find out he had a argument with the boss anyway. It was already getting around. I would have forgiven him if it was the other way round.

Oh I don't know. Maybe I'm just making excuses for myself.

I don't know that it matters if they were going to find out anyway as in his eyes, he asked you not to say. But what's done is done. I'm not having a dig at you as I can see why you did let slip and without a time machine, that can't be fixed. Maybe he's had it happen before and that is tainting his view.

I would just send him one sincere message with a humble apology and an open invitation for him to contact you when he is ready. That's all you can do.

I don't know that it's a gender issue as i wouldn't be too chuffed with a good friend who went against my request although personally, I would meet them to have it out rather than ignore them. I don't like unfinished business.

Good luck in sorting it, I hope you manage to patch it up.

Newgirl

Lotus-eater

totheleft wrote: »

Or he will forget about me and move on

Eh? You said he was a friend only and that's how you wanted to keep it. Not sounding like that to me.

Stephb1986_2

I think he's taking this a bit too far now you've said sorry and it's over and done with now why can't he move on from that? If I was you I'd leave him to it and find a new friend he's being a right drama queen and needs to give his head a wobble. You only confirmed what other people were talking about you didn't send an email around the office saying "the reason Mr X left is because he had a row with Mr Boss the row was about this that and the other" was it!!

I don't know men eh!

Chin up chuck

Steph xx

DVardysShadow

totheleft wrote: »

Yeah true. I just thought alot of the replies were not harsh but made me feel like I let out a horrible secret or something.

I think I'm just finding it hard to comprehend that our friendship maybe is over because of this or else I would have thought twice when I confirmed why he left.

My mind is all over the place. I'm just feeling hurt.

Bruised rather than hurt.

The friendship is not so much over as no longer able to go where it might have gone.

I truly doubt that you let out a horrible secret - or even that he views it that way. More the case that you irrevocably changed his perception of you insofar as if he did share a horrible secret with you, he would feel that your loyalties would lie with your colleagues or anyone and not with him.

You said what you said in good faith and without malice. But sometimes at this particular stage of a friendship things can totally turn on a few words said out of place.

I have been in a similar position to you, although it was the words of a 3rd party. In my case, it was much for the better, although it was ghastly at the time. I think things could have gone a long way, but I would not have had as good [or possibly even as long] a relationship as I have now with Mrs Shadow. It would be false to claim that you will have the same experience, but I think like me, you will begin to appreciate that you have taken a very quick shortcut to finding the shortcomings of a contemplated relationship.

Finally, I don't think he is being a drama queen. A drama queen would be withholding contact etc and making a huge show in order to gain some form of acknowledgement from you. It is quite clear he is not doing this. He is not expecting anything from you whatsoever - any expectations or hopes he had in your direction are dead. He is just being true to his own expectations. You have to respect that.

totheleft

A wide variety of opinions on the topic. I didn't expect that. Abit confusing.

I'm still hurting. People at work have thrashed each other behind their backs, to each other faces etc and still manage to be friends out if it. Me and my friend have always stayed away from that.

I just feel like what happened was abit trivial and he'd be over in a day it so.

He hasn't even had the decency to tell me this is the reason he's annoyed, I just assumed this is the reason because it's been since then.

It's hard losing a friend. I've never gone through this before. I've always been a loyal friend to all my friends. It's harder knowing it's my fault .

I think it's worse that I'm being totally ignored rather that having a face off, letting out all the emotions then not talking.


Ar well

DVardysShadow

totheleft wrote: »

I emailed him last night. He emailed back. He replied to me in a way that i was a work collegue and nothing else. Like we were never friends. Wished me good luck with everything. Even signed it with 'Yours sincerely'

As Pushkin wrote:

Я вас любил: любовь еще, быть может
В душе моей угасла не совсем;
Но пусть она вас больше не тревожит;
Я не хочу печалить вас ничем.
Я вас любил безмолвно, безнадежно,
То робостью, то ревностью томим;
Я вас любил так искренно, так нежно,
Как дай вам бог любимой быть другим.

The bit in red is actually not fully translatable into modern English. In archaic English you would expect 'I loved thee' where 'thee' would be personal, intimate and entirely the norm amongst family and friends, but inappropriate to policemen and people you don't know. However, correctly translated into archaic English it is 'I loved you', where you would use 'you' for speaking to policemen and people you don't know, but never to family and friends. I think his 'yours sincerely' conveys the same message.

I loved you once: perhaps that love has yet
To die down thoroughly within my soul;
But let it not dismay you any longer;
I have no wish to cause you any sorrow.
I loved you wordlessly, without a hope,
By shyness tortured, or by jealousy.
I loved you with such tenderness and candour
And pray God grants you to be loved that way again.

totheleft wrote: »

I just feel like what happened was a bit trivial and he'd be over in a day it so.

It is a substantial mismatch of sensitivities, I would say.

whitewing

That translation is beautiful.

OP, hope you start to feel better about this soon.

totheleft

Awww that was beautiful DVardy.

Thanks Whitewig.

Update...

According to a mutual friend, he feels really bad about the situation and the way he's treating me but she doesn't know the reason why we fell out. He won't tell her. He also won't contact me.

So I can't be bothered. I'm still upset but what's the point.