Depression

slowlyfading

Not much to say really... I'm just in the middle of exams and revision and really fed up can't afford to go home like i had planned next week and generally feeling rubbish.
i guess on the up side is that I've not self harmed for four weeks now.. though its getting harder.
thanks for the support
sf x

geminilady

Tulip wrote: »

:hello: Mclaren hope you are having a nice weekend,the board closes tonight 10pm for maintenance for 4 hours :eek:

lots of love,

Katie xxx

Sorry tulip did not realise you had already posted about the closure.

rose07

mclaren wrote: »

hey i cant complain really. going to be a hard week but i just gotta keep going like i have done every other week. Not had time to take pics recently - but hopefuly i will be out soon Mum's okay ty

How are you? xx

Na, i cant complain really either, there are people alot worse of them me, i have seen this 1st hand recently.

Oooo i was thinking bout that place, with the trees and the river, the dunes? where we went and took pictures.

Im still hunting for my camera....trying to decide, a holiday or camera, holiday or camera, hmmmm

xxx

elona

Flis

Keeping my fingers crossed that everything is all right for you and the "bump".

Tiff

Have not posted for a couple of days as DH has decided to paint the kitchen - one bit at a time - looks like it will take three coats! always seems to involve me moving stuff or getting out of the way!

Can hear DDs "disagreeing loudly" so will leave them to it.

Hugs to everyone that need or wants one.

mclaren_2

Self confession

This basicly a self confession.

For the past few years, I have been lying to myself, and to everybody around me – telling them and myself I am okay when I am not. I hate to be aburden to anybody, and I hate of people to think I am weak and or mentally unballanced. When i am at the point where i feel i need to let it all out, i push people away and dont let anyone near me.

It all started, when I was about 14. At school, I got bullied day in day out – by both pupils and teachers. Both mental and physical. Anyway, decided when I was 14 that I could not stand it anymore. Each day I came home, I would be so depressed, crying, and very fustrated at how i could not stop it all. I thought about “doing it” to get out of the pain. For a solid 4 months, I kept going, but one day, I came home and I smashed my head of my door. I knocked myself out for about 3 mins and had a hell of a bump, but it did help.

I then left school at 14, as I just could not cope with it. Finally, I went to a special school (not residential) and went there for 6 months until I was 16. There, is where I was actually diagnosed with learning difficulties – aspergers (tho got proper diag with clinical psych) and dyslexia.

From the age of 16, I became a carer – which added more stress to me but I coulnt moan.

Over the past 3 years (since 18) I have been depressed quite sevear, I have done so many things. Ive cut myself (one severar) but mainly smaller, taken OD (had 3 boxes of trazadone AD’s there) hit myself, hit head of brick wall, door, attempted suaside, and a few other things. (Think I have posted before saying, but cant remember) and I have had some visions of me as a 3rd person flying out of the window…..

Anyway, So for the past 8 years, I have been like this, on and off.

I have never asked for help (apart from when I realised I was hitting the edge and texted rbk) but over the 8 years, ive never asked for help. I have been to GP (when was 18) andhe started with meds (suffered alone from for 4 years)….. from then, I have been on and off them.

Ive never really admitted it outright – so here goes

I am depressed.

I never ask for help, because I don’t want to be aburden to anybody, and I never tell people how I feel, even on here, as I know everybody has their own problems to deal with. I hate to be selfish and take up a post that could help somebody else (why am i doing this now? i dont know!).

One thing I have never though, has been locked up in psych ward but I have been close before. TBH I don’t want to go in to one. I have to go near one when I go to the psych but never inside the actual hospital.

When I am asked – how am I feeling or how I am – I will ALWAYS say I am okay or im fine – even if I am not. Why? Its because I don’t want to be a selfish pr!ck. Also, if somebody else is down, I would like to help them rather than talk about me me me.

I am going to the GP on Tuesday at 10:30AM, and I have written things down to discuss including depression and paranoia (yes, I actually do feel that people in the street talk about me, laugh at me ,etc…) makes me  (depression or paranoia?)

I do hope nobody here will judge me bad for this post. I just thought I should be honest with people here. Tiff said that you guys wouldn’t mind – and she is normally right about things. I feel really bad about posting this.

Sorry if this post has made you - I didn’t mean to lol

Truth being – at the moment, my mood out of 10 (10 best 0 bad) is about a 3.

I have periodically asked myself If I being selfish – most of the times I say yes but I am not the kind of person to be selfish, so I don’t understand it.

Thanks for reading, and if you did fall asleep during this, i dont blame you

***WAKE UP NOW***

rose07

slowlyfading wrote: »

Not much to say really... I'm just in the middle of exams and revision and really fed up can't afford to go home like i had planned next week and generally feeling rubbish.
i guess on the up side is that I've not self harmed for four weeks now.. though its getting harder.
thanks for the support
sf x

Hi sf, and welcome

pull up a chair, make yaself comfy and cup of tea in hand

Exams are pants arent they? Are you at uni? What are you studying? You can only do the best in your exams hun. I finished uni a while ago now, but it was the hardest years of my life, but im soo glad i made it through it. Dont forget to ask for help when you need it.

Do you miss home alot?

Have you been to see a GP? And are you getting help with your SH hun?

Oh im asking questions like a tube a smarties.

take care hun, remember we are here to listen

xxx

mclaren_2

rose07 wrote: »

Na, i cant complain really either, there are people alot worse of them me, i have seen this 1st hand recently.

Oooo i was thinking bout that place, with the trees and the river, the dunes? where we went and took pictures.

Im still hunting for my camera....trying to decide, a holiday or camera, holiday or camera, hmmmm

xxx

the Dean lol. Get both. Camera costs cheap. YOu can get a basic starter DSLR for about £350 now - unless you wana get a pro one and then you could get D200 for £900 or a D2xs for £2500 (d2xs imo is best out of all the cameras availible) so save up! lol

put money away for both holiday and cam tho

cant go holiday without a camera.... can ya?

slowlyfading

mclaren, I dont know what to say apart from to give you a well needed -hug-. No one ever said that life would be as hard as it can be from day to day - and many people seem to have the perfect lives. I hope the appointment goes well for you and you know, telling people is not being a burden, its so you can have someone who will sit and listen so you can talk through what's bothering you. I'm here if you ever need a chat, just pm me
sf x

slowlyfading

rose07 wrote: »

Hi sf, and welcome

pull up a chair, make yaself comfy and cup of tea in hand

Exams are pants arent they? Are you at uni? What are you studying? You can only do the best in your exams hun. I finished uni a while ago now, but it was the hardest years of my life, but im soo glad i made it through it. Dont forget to ask for help when you need it.

Do you miss home alot?

Have you been to see a GP? And are you getting help with your SH hun?

Oh im asking questions like a tube a smarties.

take care hun, remember we are here to listen

xxx

Thanks for replying. I'm in my second year, studying music :rolleyes: which is SO much harder than I ever imagined, and i seem to do so much more work than a lot of my housemates. I'm stressing over exams as i dont understand the material and going through books and notes is a long and painstaking process.
I do miss home, some days more than others. First year I didn't hardly at all - I loved uni and the people and the lifestyle. This year.. I dont know what happened really. I miss my mum and the dog so much sometimes it makes me hard to breath. I know that she's only a phone call away, but sometimes I just want a hug from her. Sad huh?
I went to the counsellor place on campus twice last year, but the woman i had made it seem like self harming wasn't a problem, that i'd found a way of coping so that was okay. I really want to stop completely but I hate sitting with someone and discussing how I feel all the time, it makes me feel so stupid and pathetic. I should be able to cope with everything.
sf x

mclaren_2

slowlyfading wrote: »

I miss my mum and the dog so much sometimes it makes me hard to breath. I know that she's only a phone call away, but sometimes I just want a hug from her. Sad huh?

Its normal that you just want that - so why dont you? I mean, why not jump on a train next week, and go back home? I dont know how far away from home you are, but i am sure it is easy enough just to geton a train, and gohome to see your mum and dog?

slowlyfading wrote: »

it makes me feel so stupid and pathetic. I should be able to cope with everything.
sf x

Excuse me SF but are you a robot? If you are, then fair enough, but if you are not, and are a human then it is not stupid and pathetic, and you are not expected to cope with everything. Nobody can cope with everything, or else we would not be here in this thread

You need to relax for a bit - and then prioritise things. Things you cant cope with, ask for help with, and those you can, still ask.

People care hun, and if uni is getting too much - talk to one of the managment staff who will help you