Real Life MMD: Should my husband move away for a better job?

clearmydebts

Seakay wrote: »

I don't think that this is a moral problem, your decision must be based on what you and your husband want for yourselves, each other and your family and on the financial requirements that you have.

The only moral issue might be if you are forcing your husband to do anything that he doesn't want to do eg
Does he want to live in Ireland or is it just that you want to be near your biological family
Where does his family live? Does he like to be near them and visit them often?
Does he want to work in Germany?
Does he want to work all week and then spend hours on a round trip to see his family for a few hours?
Will you miss him more than Ireland if he is away?
If not are you married to the right person?

Also, what exactly are the financial benefits of each scenario and have you explored them all?

Would you pay off your debts faster and then be able to change location as a family if you stayed where you are while he worked away?
How long is the contract work likely to last?

Lol - no I am not forcing my OH to move to Ireland. He wants to return too. His family live about a 3 hour journey away in Ireland and we would see them about once a month if we moved back. OH would be more than happy with that.

He would prefer to get compressed hours in his current job than move to Germany.

I will miss him terribly, but on the plus side, he will get the chance to study on the nights he is away and we are only viewing it as short-term.

clearmydebts

satori wrote: »

My father, my grandfather and my uncles (Army, Navy, engineering) worked overseas all their lives. They would be away from 'home' for 4 to 6 months at a time (merchant navy), 11 months a year (engineering), and even for several years, without leave (WW1 and WW2). On top of that, during the 2 world wars, there was the strong possibility that they might never come back, and even that they might be reported 'missing, presumed dead', which was the case for my father during WW2, when he was a POW of the Japs. He was not married yet, but his parents were extremely worried, and blaming themselves for having allowed him to leave France in June 1940, when he was only 18.
I know it's hard for you to be separated from your husband, but you can keep in touch thanks to the phone and the internet, and see each other several times a year.
If the contract is for a long enough period, why don't you move to Germany? It is a very child-friendly country, and I bet there will be many expats' housewives you can socialise with where your husband will be working. Not to mention the fact that if your husband manages to stay there for a couple of years, your kids will have the opportunity to learn German, a wonderful asset for their future careers!

Thanks for the post and for sharing your experience.

clearmydebts

John_Pierpoint wrote: »

The man with a wife and children has given hostages to fortune.
If you have trouble with money or health, then you will start sliding backwards down the global rat race league table. Those are the two priorities

Contracting is usually more risky than being a permanent employee; but no job is safe in a debt ridden economy; Other things being equal, I cannot see the attraction in moving to a country that is one of the PIIGS club. How are the Irish relatives making out?
Where do the children's 4 grandparents live?
In Africa they say it takes a whole village to raise a child - what sort of support can the children's near relatives offer you both?
Why is it that the further the people of Irish descent live from Ireland the more attractive it becomes?

It is very difficult to comment further without knowing your housing situation (Renting?), your current support network and the employable skills you are both able to offer.

I won't bother to list the occupations where the principle bread winner has nights away from home regularly.

Our family can offer real and regular support, we are a very close family. Luckily my family didn't get caught up in the Celtic Tiger stampede so are quite comfortable and this isn't likely to change.

clearmydebts

Gillsx wrote: »

If he relocates on the short time till the debt is payed then you will have a better life as a family once debt is payed off and you're in Ireland. But don't forget that there are also cons which could mean you drift apart. I've lived separate from my husband before and it made us stronger and enjoy every second of the weekend with each other. I think if you know its not forever and make those moments special when you are together then it's worth doing.

Thanks - some great advice. I would fully intend to make every moment as special as possible when we are together. And we are both fully committed to the fact that it won't be long-term.

clearmydebts

Augustus_the_Strong wrote: »

A real dilemma for a change! This would probably work ok if you can manage without your husband (maybe with help of Irish family), and if it's time-limited. Otherwise, why not consider all moving to Germany, as someone has suggested? You may feel homesick but you may find it's a great opportunity. Once enough money is made to pay off your debt, you can all move to Ireland. Best of luck.

Thanks for the post Augustus.

pennypinchUK

This isn't so much a money moral dilemma, but a question of what your values are. Many people up and down the country face exactly the same dilemma, even if one of the couple might work away in another part of the UK, or works such long hours that they only get home to sleep.

If being a close family is important you'll likely not want to be apart, in which case your husband wouldn't take the job. But if long term money concerns over-ride family and you're confident it won't affect the bond in your family and your husband will be okay with seeing his 2 children only at the weekend, he'll take the job.

N.I.M

Fujiko wrote: »

Sorry to disappoint you NIM but I regard being described as European as not far short of an insult!

With all due respect that wasn’t exactly the thrust of my statement now was it? I was more pointing out that a human being has a situation they are having difficulty with and rather than suggest a solution / approach them respectfully you take the opportunity to attack like a playground bully who sees someone in a weakened state and decides to make themself feel important.

Fujiko wrote: »

I am English/Scottish and apart from the first three years of my quite long marriage have always lived some considerable distance from my family, moving twice because of my husband's work after the birth of our daughter who, incidentally, herself lived in the Far East for four years, again because of her husband's work and during the birth of her first child, so as a family we do know something about being homesick. Did we miss each other? Of course we did, but I would suggest that being geographically close is not necessarily the most important thing, given that we all have to make choices about our lives which are rarely totally satisfactory. Could I suggest that family support, concern and dare I say love cannot be diminished by distance? That was certainly my experience.

I now understand what your opinion is and why, had you posted this the first time I wouldnt have called you a bully.

clearmydebts

pennypinchUK wrote: »

This isn't so much a money moral dilemma, but a question of what your values are. Many people up and down the country face exactly the same dilemma, even if one of the couple might work away in another part of the UK, or works such long hours that they only get home to sleep.

If being a close family is important you'll likely not want to be apart, in which case your husband wouldn't take the job. But if long term money concerns over-ride family and you're confident it won't affect the bond in your family and your husband will be okay with seeing his 2 children only at the weekend, he'll take the job.

I totally disagree with you. Just because he is away (in the short-term) does not mean that we are not a close family. I'm sure you will be insulting quite a lot of people who have no choice in the matter.

clearmydebts

Just an update. OH has come out of his meeting and his boss has agreed to compressed hours in principle. It will need to go through HR but his boss in favour.

So it looks like OH will be flying home every Thursday evening and going back on a Monday morning, meaning he will have every Thursday, Friday Saturday and Sunday evening (and the 3 days) with us.

romina

just a p.s. - you may know all this already, but just in case.... (This is not tax or financial advice that you should rely on - just what we discovered!)

Consider setting up a company for him to work through. This would let you pay tax in UK/Ireland and claim flights, german accomodation costs etc as business expenses - meaning you pay them from pretax income, not post tax.

Also - you don't want him to be paying tax in germany. They have big tax breaks for married couples with children - but only if you are all resident there (and German residence is tightly monitored - you have to be registered in the town hall etc). Otherwise, if he pays tax there it will be on a single person rate which is much higher.

Watch child benefit also - if he is employed in a different country, EU rules say you get child benefit there, even if mother can child live elsewhere. Self-employment via a local company avoids the problem.

And don't forget the EHIC for his health costs if he needs anything when he's over there... Feel free to PM me if there's anything else I can help with!