Real Life MMD: Should my husband move away for a better job? 11 August 2011 at 1:51PM edited 16 August 2011 at 6:00PM in Money Saving Polls 149 replies 31.4K views

Former_MSE_Lee

Money Moral Dilemma: Should my husband move away for a better job?

We have approx £14,500 debt we're struggling to pay off and I'm expecting a second baby in September. We'll be okay until my maternity pay runs out in June 2012, but want to return to Ireland as I've been homesick since our son was born 15 months ago. My husband's in a good job but isn't well paid. He's been offered contract work in Germany for €60 an hour, which would help us pay off our debt quickly and allow me to move home to Ireland and live with my parents for a while, but we'd only see him at weekends. So we could stay here with his safe job but struggle for the next five years in a place I don't want to be, or move and have money but break the family apart.

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pipadeepip1

What's the dilemma? If your husband can take a post with a salary that will clear your debts and give you money in your pocket. You should also be able to live where you want, and you will be living like 1000's of other families who choose to work, because many in this day and age do just that. I worked away and for a lot less than your husbands projected salary. The debt may well drive a wedge between you but with him working away you have a chance.

ironlady2022

If he is willing to relocate I would job search harder nearer home! If he is being offered that amount of money per hour, I'm sure he will get a good job, good salary somewhere nearer home.

skylight

A good stable and loving home is more important than money.

As a family, you need to decide what will be worse for your family. If he or you cannot bear to be apart from each other then no amount of salary is going to fix that. But if the debt is dramatically longer term than the debt, will that force you apart anyway??

Whatever you decide to do, it needs to be a strong and very joint decision - not one where you have to co-erce or be co-erced into making.

emidee

It depends what your priorities are - do you value paying off debt / living somewhere more than seeing your husband every day?

And what about your kids? Are you ok with them having a part-time father?

Do you think your relationship could survive being apart for the majority of the week? There's no point in getting the debt paid off if by doing so, you split up over it. Is there any chance your husband could find work in Ireland?

Remember this not only affects you & your husband, but your children too.

Petaldust

If you're that much in debt why on earth are you having another child? No wonder Martin's email this week is about the importance of the introduction of debt education in schools :wall:

LetMeOut_2

People serving in the armed forces often live like this when spouses and children can't relocate with the serving person, if that's what needs to be done to give the children and you a reasonable life you will work with it, and it won't be forever - won't take more than a couple of years to pay off. Could be worse- could be sent away for 6 moths at a time, 10 months away one year, 9 months the next year!

I would go for it, as I say, a lot of forces families live like this and we all adapt to it, it's your outlook that makes the difference!

matador_uk

I'd like to add my two penneth as someone who grew up with a supposed 'part time' father- what a load of old tosh. I'm 29 and from the age of 8 to 24 my dad did a weekly commute from NE England to London, prior to that it was daily Kent to London and we rarely saw him through the week as we were in bed by the time we got home. I love my dad to bit and appreciate the sacrifices he made to give us a better life, my dad loves me and wanting a more comfortable life for his family was a driving force for him.

Yes it was difficult sometimes, yes we missed him and he us, but we never took our time together for granted.

I say go for it, even just for a short time. Getting out of debt will be better for your family in the long run, living with your parents will give you adequate 'at home' support with two young children, and the time you spend with your husband will be so much more precious.

Try it- if he hates it he can try and look for something closer to home, but in the meantime would be really making a big dint in your debt repayment. Good luck!!

tototo

Wherever there is money I will go, we live to make money, otherwise you'll be in even deeper debt with 2 babies, one man's low salary and unhappiness. All you need now is to clear the debts. If you trust your hubby why not let him go, that is a good income honestly, and you'd see each other weekly, less arguments, more money, kids are fed and hopefully eating away that debt.

gigibelle23

Why not consider all of you moving to Germany? I know you're homesick for Ireland but maybe a change from where you are now will help. I've spent a lot of time working in Germany and have grown to love the country immensely. I didn't know any German before I went but it isn't too difficult to pick up (Michel Thomas does a wonderful audio course) and I have found the Germans I've met to be wonderful, warm and cultured people. Whereabouts is his job? Perhaps he could go there first and get settled and then you could move over after your baby is born and you feel ready. It would be a way of him earning the money and you staying together. Just a thought ;o)

makeup

Petaldust wrote: »

If you're that much in debt why on earth are you having another child? No wonder Martin's email this week is about the importance of the introduction of debt education in schools :wall:

I think this is a bit harsh, we don't know the OP (and it is none of our business). And anyway, too late for that advice now!!!

I think this is a very hard one to judge and advise on - much harder than the normal ones!

My immediate thoughts that popped into my head are as follows:

When exactly does this job start? Will it mean that your husband is likely to miss the birth - how do you and he feel about this?

Are you going to be able to call on the support of your family while in Ireland? My sister's girls were both nightmares for sleeping - neither took many naps during the day but were up all through the night. My sister and her husband were able to take turns with naps / getting up and that helped her get through this. I see you are proposing moving back in with your parents - have you discussed this with them and how it will work for them and childcare etc!!!!

How long would this arrangement be for? A year goes really quickly but if it was longer - how would you both feel about this?

Is it definite he would be able to be back every weekend - try and found out what the reality is - if it was once a month would this still be ok?

I think I would say that you both need to have an honest, cards on the table conversation about how you would both feel about being apart and also about how you are going to pay off the debt and what the plans are for the future once the debt is cleared.

If your husband is going to be absolutely miserable being away from the babies or you are going to be the same away from him - maybe resenting him if you feel you are doing all the hard work with the kids then it probably isn't worth it.

However if you are both resigned to the seperation, it is for a fixed time period that you know you can deal with, and you will have clean slate and can build a new life for your family then maybe it is something you should do. With things like skype these days you can feel a lot closer and maybe you could go out with the kids for a week or so every once in a while as well to see him?

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide and of course good luck for September!