Real Life MMD: Should my husband move away for a better job?

clearmydebts

kessington wrote: »

I lived abroad with 2 tiny children with my OH in early career. It was hard, and very lonely at times,we were broke but we had a lot of fun, made some lifelong friends and learned a lot about each other and how we wanted to be a family together.
Have you done all the sums properly? the hourly rate may sound good but have you worked out all the extra costs - take away tax, extra travel costs, medical bills/insurance, rent, food, play group fees, petrol, child benefit etc - there may be financial losses as well as gains to consider. Will your OH have paid holiday? are the flights at manageable times and frequencies? How will you feel about sharing child care at the weekends - a hand's on dad might feel less inclined to be fully hand's on if he's worn out with work and travel and you might feel fed up if you've done all the family work during the week.
How much support would you get with your family at home? Really and honestly? and would this be maintained once you are over the honeymoon period of being home - would you be able to work for example? what do your family and friends in Ireland do? - if they are working and you are not then quite honestly you are unlikely to find them having a lot of time on their hands once the initial excitement of seeing you wears off - it won't be like a short visit when they are happy to make an effort.
If you feel you need a breather while having the baby that's one thing but don't expect a prolonged stay to be an easy answer. If you went to germany would a family member be able to come and help with the initial settling in and new baby phase to ease you in?
You need to do all the sums, the financial and emotional ones and go into this with as much factual informatiom as you can. that way your head will help your heart to make the right decision.

Thanks - some really good points to consider here.

clearmydebts

nczm wrote: »

If your concern is splitting up your family (with such young children I don't see the massive concern - I also had part time parents and spent time being passed from family to minders until the age of 10 and we're still a happy unit and stronger than ever) could you not consider relocating with your husband - a shared sacrifice?
If the debt can be cleared in a couple of years you'll be in a position to relocate back to Ireland (assuming you still want to) in time for your eldest to enrole in school, plus you get to introduce a cultural experience to your babies - I'm sure its a scientific fact that children who speak multiple languages from a young age have higher mental stimulation for learning (win-win).
Good luck!

Thanks for the post. As I pointed out in a previous post, if it were a permanent post I would be much more likely to consider a joint move, but we might be moving to several different places in Germany, over a short space of time.

clearmydebts

NAP6W wrote: »

It is a moral dilemma that only you can decide. My father worked non stop and we had a very high quality upbringing but never saw him. He said to me not to make the same mistake as you never get that time with your kids back, so I took a slightly lower paid but more rewarding job closer to home and I am much happier. I have one brother in law who is wealthy but works offshore 4 weeks away 4 weeks home and one brother in law that works in the middle east and has to be a tax exile. I asked my kids if they would allow me to do that and they said NO. Thay are not bothered about the extra cash they want their Dad!!

Thanks for the post. I agree that it is important for children to be with their Dad and that's why it would be short-term.

clearmydebts

deborah007 wrote: »

I think you and your husband should go for this opportunity. You will have family support back in Ireland and the opportunity to pay off your debts.

Even if the work only last six months to a year you will be better off financially and will be 6-12 months down the road with lower or paid off debt and the family support in the interim.

Will your husband be able to get a job in Ireland in his role when the contract finishes? Or will he be able to study in Germany and move onto a new role with his experience?

Whatever you decide good luck for the future, particularly with the new baby.

D x

Thanks Deborah. The study he wants to do means that he would have way more of a chance of getting a job in Ireland when it is completed.

clearmydebts

kessington wrote: »

good luck then! in the end there are happy people and unhappy people so I hope you can all be the happy kind.

Thanks. In general we are very positive, happy people so I hope we can be too!

clearmydebts

ixolite wrote: »

i had just found out i was expecting our second child when my husband was made redundant - this was back in 1981

after about a year with no luck he took a contract in Saudi Arabia, he flew out and i stopped at home with a 17 month old and a six week old baby as me going with him was not an option

he stayed out there about 14 months only coming home once for a couple of weeks leave, in between times we spoke on the phone once a month.

to do this was a joint decision but then again given our circumstances at the time it was go for it or go under

it wasn't easy and you need the support of family if you stay behind
my daughter (the Baby) did take a bit of time to get used to having a dad again when he got home but long term no problems as far as her and her brother are concerned - they don't feel scarred for life!!
benifits were the job market was better when he got back, we had no debt, and saved enough (because i had got used to having so little) to buy a secondhand camper van that we had loads of fun holidays with kids

finally we are still together and look back on it as an adventure that we don't regret

so go for it

Thanks for your post. That must have been so difficult, but as you said, your children don't feel scarred for life because of it!

clearmydebts

danthemoneysavingman wrote: »

I worked away from my family, only seeing them at weekends (funnily enough the contract was in Ireland!).
But I stayed away too long and it put a big strain on our family.
You would benefit from the support of your family with the new baby of course - but is there a future for getting work where you wish to locate to in Ireland? or would hubby be away forever more?

If the work away can be strictly limited (e.g. to 6 months) that should work OK - but then what to do after?

not an easy decision as the stability of your family unit is at stake!

Good luck, but I strongly suggest you both look to the future to see what is ultimately feasible.

Thanks for the post. There is always the chance that there won't be work in Ireland after a year. I suppose tjhat's what the dilemma is - will be a worse financial position.

clearmydebts

ohit wrote: »

Sounds like the move to Germany, to achieve the financial goal, is not going to be an arrangement forever.

So, short-term sacrifice for long-term gain.

Thanks for posting Ohit.

clearmydebts

romina wrote: »

I moved to Germany to give birth to my son and spend my maternity leave there (German husband) with a view to staying permanently. Decided that I wanted to go back to work, so son and I moved back to the UK when he was 10 months old. He's now 7 and my husband has been over here at weekends since then. He flies back friday evenings and goes back very early Monday morning. He's made several buddies on the plane - lots of people do the same.

I get a lot of family support here - otherwise it would be impossible (I have a job and a commute) - but more than that, my son gets enormous benefits from living in an extended family. Sometimes it is really difficult being a single parent all week and readjusting to being a 2 parent family at the weekend - but you can get through lots of things if you work at them.

In terms of your relationship - a lot of people worry that the other person will meet someone else. Actually feel like I trust my husband more - if he wanted to see someone else over there, I'd probably never find out - but in a strange way, that means that my only option is to trust him. Also - if he cares enough to work like a demon and get up at 3.30am every Monday to fly back - that must mean he wants to come here in the first place!

I would agree with a previous poster though - have you actually been screed for PND? Just becuase your friend has different symptoms doesn't mean that you don't have it. To not be homesick for 17 years and for it then to develop post birth might mean something else. I had PND too - and felt better when back in the UK on visits - even before I had any treatment, just as you say you do - that doesn't rule it out either...

Good luck!

Thanks Romina. It sounds like you were in a very similar position and it seems to work very well for you. I have no conerns about trusting OH, I trust him 100% and would have the same attitude as you.

I will discuss PND with my midwife when I see her next week.

clearmydebts

N.I.M wrote: »

Unfortuneately thats unlikely to change for at LEAST 12 months, Irelands in a VERY deep hole and has a lot of climing to do to get back out.



Is your marriage worth risking on an "I think?" For me its the condensed hours no question. I'm not bothered about how well I live as long as the one I love is there next to me all the time.



As I said above I'll be very surprised if anything shows up in Ireland in the next couple of years, and keep in mind the cost of living over there is a LOT higher than in the UK



Fujiko, I'm afraid I have to call you in on the way you approached this one. I agree that first loyalty is to the husband...HOWEVER a husbands first priority then has to be the happiness and wellfare of his family. As to their pregnancy, should she abort it cause they can't afford it? Because it is inconvenient? Or maybe...just maybe theres more to the story than you understand? At the risk of being accused of being a bible basher or whatever "Judge not, lest ye be judged"

Your comment on homesickness convinces me you are probably one of these people who insists on being called "european" or else have never been parted from your family for more than your holidays. I'll tell you this much, the call of Ireland to the heart of any proud greeblooded Irishman or Irishwoman is not something to be taken lightly so I'd advise you not to insult it when you know nothing of it.

In my opinion, you could have been a helpful and friendly MSE'r and just written "In my opinion you should put your husband and children first, and go with him to Germany. You never know, you might even enjoy it!"

But no, you needed to be a judgemental lil git who needed to make themself feel better by belittling others. Theres a word for people like you...BULLY!

Now CMD, if you guys are set on the whole he goes to germany/condensed hours in the UK thats fine, but you need to travel to see him along with him coming back to see you. Were it me I'd want my wife and kids with me as much as possible. I know how stong the song of eileen can be, but remember you did choose your life, husband and kids in the UK, and Ireland is kinda up s*** creek without a paddle economically at the moment and jobs are VERY thin on the ground, I've looked. So don't imagine that 12 months time he could be there with you. Work to "It could be 10 years before he works in the country we live in" and see how you guys feel about it then.

Hi NIM - compressed hours is our first choice. I have to disagree with you about the cost of living though. Everything for us, from rent to childcare is more expensive over here. I could afford to work at home (even without family support) but couldn't here.

I had already agreed with him that I would travel back and forth too, although it would be only with 1 baby at a time, as I couldn't physically manage two together on my own.

And yes, I did choose my life in the UK, but because I chose to move to the UK 8 years ago doesn't mean I should have to live here based on a decision I made 8 years ago when I wasn't married and had no children. I made a decision to have children but that was because it was the right time in our lives. I didn't commit to live in the UK forever with the children.

With regards jobs, in the area he wants to study, there are plenty of jobs in Ireland. In fact that area is booming, just not in the section that OH is in. We said we would review it in 12 months but I think 18 months - 2 years is more realistic for him to get a job. It certainly won't be 10 years!