DreamerHelen's New Diary - "Ad Astra per Aspera"

Hovel_lady

Proud of you too :T

DreamerHelen

Hovel_lady wrote: »

Proud of you too :T

Awwww thanks hun....That means a lot

DreamerHelen

Okay, so I didn't quite make it to 11.30pm....It's now almost 9pm and I was logged on for SIX HOURS!! Which I AM really proud of...

I was famished though so I stopped at 8.30pm briefly to grab something to eat...And now I'm logging back on at 9pm...So I only had a half-hour Break...that's not too bad!!

I am still feeling positive....I have £81 to go to hit my Target....And I'm still aiming to take a SHORT break at 11.30pm...

Am feeling tired but I'll Work through it and carry on...I am determined to hit my original planned Target for the first time...well, ever...!! I AM going to do it!!

Hovel_lady

Good morning

How's being your own hero going? As Sean has yet to show up (must ring him, may be lost) I'm doing pretty well with it here.

Would you mind if I borrowed this idea for my own diary as it's hugely relevant to where I am now?

Have a great day whatever you're planning.
xx

DreamerHelen

Hovel_lady wrote: »

Good morning

How's being your own hero going? As Sean has yet to show up (must ring him, may be lost) I'm doing pretty well with it here.

Would you mind if I borrowed this idea for my own diary as it's hugely relevant to where I am now?

Have a great day whatever you're planning.
xx

Of course I don't mind hun....You go ahead and use it as much as you like

I'm doing okay....Ended up sleeping last night which means that I have to Work on Friday night which I was hoping to have as a Night Off...But hey, that's the way it is so I'm not going to moan about it!!

I'm upset that I can't make Therapy this afternoon, but I simply can't afford it and that makes me mad as well because I know I spent the money on silly things!! :mad: But all I can do is carry on as I've started this Week...and just GO FOR IT!!

DreamerHelen

Hey Everyone

So, I ended up going to Therapy because I spoke to my Therapist who simply said that I could pay next Week....I know that I really need to be there...how can I hope to become a great Psychotherapist if I don't have a proper experience of Therapy myself???

I have noticed that I have started to dream again...and that's really important to me. I didn't get this Username by Accident...I chose it because I have HUGE DREAMS - Only in the past couple of years my Dreams have gone by the wayside...I haven't felt like I was worthy to have dreams or achieve them.

I'm starting to believe that maybe I AM worthy of being happy....and I CAN BE MY OWN HERO - That's really really important to me right now....To be clear about what I want for this Year and to really go for it but also take care of myself properly...something I'm not great at!!

I'm really struggling with having broken up with my (now) Ex....He was the first relationship that I've ever had that was pure and magical and I felt like I couldn't do anything wrong when I was with him...like I was genuinely cared for and genuinely attractive...And that is really really hard to let go of....

Hovel Lady has inspired me to be honest so I'm going to try.

When I was a kid I suffered with terrible acne...really really badly...and I was left with little scars on my face which are still there as an Adult now (although no one else seems to see them, I can see them!!)...I am very very overweight, morbidly obese actually...and I think of myself as completely unattractive and ugly....People have asked me if I could change something about myself what would it be and my answer is always the same - My face.

I can change my Weight, change my hair colour and wear different clothes but I can't change my face - Which I consider to be ugly...

I know I need to stop thinking this way and start to look at myself in the mirror and be happy...and even look in the mirror and say "I'm beautiful" - Something I've rarely been able to do and I don't think I've ever been able to do it truthfully...

Thats had a really bad effect on my self-esteem because I just see myself as ugly and unworthy of being happy or having anything good in my Life....But THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! I just need to start to believe it now....And right now I'm not sure how...But I have to believe that I'll get there.

I'm feeling kind of peaceful at the moment....Like I know that there are major issues in my Life but somehow I will find a way to "be okay".

I have a small-ish Target tonight of £38 so I'm going to start work at 8pm and just work through until I've made that Target....and if I'm not tired then I'll earn a little extra....

Feeling a little vulnerable having shared all that....But I have to trust the lovely people on here to be kind...

Love and Hugs, Helen xxx

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The Stuff of Dreams

Save £4100 Before the End of 2011 Challenge
I'm currently Studying. My College Fees are already taken care of for the rest of 2011 but next Year I have to pay £4100 - I'll be paying a LOT of it from Tax Repayments and the rest will come from Ebay Sales and extra Wages.

Currently £0/£4100 (Hopefully I'll Be Getting Tax Back This Week!!)

Terramundi Pot Challenge (To Open Saturday 19th November 2011)
I'm going to an Exhibition at Olympia (not sure if I'm allowed to post the name of it since it's a bit, ummm, risque LoL). I'm going to buy a Terramundi soon...and then start Saving with extra's from Wages (I can do as much Overtime as I like).

Currently £0/£500 (hoped)

Budweiser Bottle Challenge (To Open 31st December 2011)
I have a great big massive Plastic Budweiser Bottle (appropriate since I used to work for the people that own Budweiser!!) and I'm going to fill that up with the odd pennies and coppers and 5p's and spare change.

This is for my Flight/Hotel/Food/Spends/Excursions on my Trip to Morocco in January/February 2012!! - A Big Ask But I'd Love To Get There!!

Currently £1.56 (Starting Again!! :A)

£144 in 144 Days Pt 1
This is all going to be from earning an extra pound every day from Overtime at Work, starting Wednesday 9th August. This first part is going to be for a set of the Beauty and the Beast DVD's (remember the old Series with Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman?) and also a new MP3 Player.

Currently £0/£144

£144 in 144 Days Pt 2
This second part will be for what I call my "Soho Fund"....And that's for some fun things from Soho (I think I might leave that one for all your imaginations!! LoL :rotfl:)

Currently £0/£144

£144 in 144 Days Pt 3
This third part will be for a Table for Two (haven't decided who with yet!!) and a Meal and the Show for the Wam Bam Burlesque Club in London for January or February of next Year. It looks amazing there but the Tickets for a Meal combined with the Show is £70 each..so that should work out nicely then!! :T

Currently £0/£144

Writing A Book Challenge
So, I've been meaning to write a Book for ABSOLUTELY AGES!!! But never actually gotten around to it. So now I'm going to write one...Even if it never gets Published, so what, I'll still have written a Book. First step is to find out about practical stuff - ie: How many chapters should there be, how many words per chapter, etc. Then a Synopsis of the Book. Then start writing it....Oooooooh scary!!! - Nothing done so far, MUST get started!!

Losing The Weight For ME!!
So, I'm currently MASSIVELY overweight..by about 10 stones (and no, I'm NOT exaggerating). I'm currently Ummmm'ing and Aaaaaaah'ing over Joining Slimming World and I'm not sure right now. So at least for this Week my Plans for Weight-Loss are on Hold until I decide what to do.

Start Weight: To Be Confirmed
Weight Lost: 0 pounds so far

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Hovel_lady

Big hugs for you :grouphug:

Thank you for sharing and being so honest. I know how scary that is, I've done so much myself these last few days.

You're an amazing, beautiful woman and you must start believeing that because if you don't no-one else will. I have similar issues and it's only very recently that I've stopped avoiding mirrors.

I have scars from the self harm and some days I don't worry if people see them but sometimes I just have to hide them. People in the past have been very judgemental about it without finding out why I do it. It's not for attention, just a way of dealing with impossible things. The scars mark where I've been if you like.

Here for you if I can help and cheering you on anyway.

Hope you make tonights target quickly.
xx

DreamerHelen

Morning Everyone!! :money:

Hovel Lady, I had to Reply to your previous Post first. Thank You sooooo much!! I have NEVER had anyone put it like that - My Scars (I also have underarm scars from numerous Abcesses) mark where I have been...they mark what I have gone through and they are my history...they show that I'm a survivor...they are something to be proud of!!

That's such a major revelation to me, I've never looked at it like that....I should be proud of all my Scars...they show what I've survived...And show that I can survive anything that is put my way.

"And Big Deep Breath"

Some of my Tax Money finally came through!!! :T :T :T And for some reason it was the larger amount that I'd claimed for second....The first smaller amount hasn't come through yet so I need to give the Tax Office a Call and make sure that it's coming...

So, I've got everything up to date - I paid my Electricity (which was majorly out of date), paid my Phone Bill (which was due by the end of this month), paid my Council Tax (which stops me from going to Court) and also put some money into my £144 in 144 Days Challenges....I have also put some money in one of my Online Saving Pots for my College Fees - I want to put it into an ISA but need to open one with my Bank first....

I've also bought myself a couple of things on Ebay...only small-ish Items but things that I really wanted. One in particular means a lot to me and I'm really quite emotional, I think I certainly will be when it comes through!!

So, managed to earn £8 before I went to sleep last night...Now I have another £30 to earn before I can get on with my Day...

Have a Doctor's Appointment at 11am and need to be in the Shower by 9.30am....So I'm going to Work from 4.30am until 9am and hopefully that will be enough to get my £30.

So, feeling very very positive!! :j :j :j

Love and Hugs, Helen xxx

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The Stuff of Dreams

Save £4100 Before the End of 2011 Challenge
I'm currently Studying. My College Fees are already taken care of for the rest of 2011 but next Year I have to pay £4100 - I'll be paying a LOT of it from Tax Repayments and the rest will come from Ebay Sales and extra Wages.

Currently £600/£4100 (YAY, Got Started With A Big Chunk At Last!!)

Terramundi Pot Challenge (To Open Saturday 19th November 2011)
I'm going to an Exhibition at Olympia (not sure if I'm allowed to post the name of it since it's a bit, ummm, risque LoL). I'm going to buy a Terramundi soon...and then start Saving with extra's from Wages (I can do as much Overtime as I like).

Currently £0/£500 (hoped)

Budweiser Bottle Challenge (To Open 31st December 2011)
I have a great big massive Plastic Budweiser Bottle (appropriate since I used to work for the people that own Budweiser!!) and I'm going to fill that up with the odd pennies and coppers and 5p's and spare change.

This is for my Flight/Hotel/Food/Spends/Excursions on my Trip to Morocco in January/February 2012!! - A Big Ask But I'd Love To Get There!!

Currently £1.56 (Starting Again!! But I WILL Get There!! :A)

£144 in 144 Days Pt 1
This is all going to be from earning an extra pound every day from Overtime at Work, starting Wednesday 9th August. This first part is going to be for a set of the Beauty and the Beast DVD's (remember the old Series with Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman?) and also a new MP3 Player.

Currently £20/£144 (Finally Made A Start!! :j)

£144 in 144 Days Pt 2
This second part will be for what I call my "Soho Fund"....And that's for some fun things from Soho (I think I might leave that one for all your imaginations!! LoL :rotfl:)

Currently £0/£144

£144 in 144 Days Pt 3
This third part will be for a Table for Two (haven't decided who with yet!!) and a Meal and the Show for the Wam Bam Burlesque Club in London for January or February of next Year. It looks amazing there but the Tickets for a Meal combined with the Show is £70 each..so that should work out nicely then!! :T

Currently £20/£144 (Finally Made A Start!! :j)

Writing A Book Challenge
So, I've been meaning to write a Book for ABSOLUTELY AGES!!! But never actually gotten around to it. So now I'm going to write one...Even if it never gets Published, so what, I'll still have written a Book. First step is to find out about practical stuff - ie: How many chapters should there be, how many words per chapter, etc. Then a Synopsis of the Book. Then start writing it....Oooooooh scary!!! - Nothing done so far, MUST get started!!

Losing The Weight For ME!!
So, I'm currently MASSIVELY overweight..by about 10 stones (and no, I'm NOT exaggerating). I'm currently Ummmm'ing and Aaaaaaah'ing over Joining Slimming World and I'm not sure right now. So at least for this Week my Plans for Weight-Loss are on Hold until I decide what to do.

Start Weight: To Be Confirmed
Weight Lost: 0 pounds so far

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Hovel_lady

Good morning

Glad the idea of scars showing you where you're been is helpful. It's something that just popped in my head one day and is so true.

Yay to tax money coming through :T and to treats. We all need them sometimes don't we?

Hope the doctors appointment goes well and really very pleased you're feeling positive.

You go girl :T

DreamerHelen

Thanks Hovel Lady hun....I AM feeling positive and that's new to me!!

I will share and tell you Guys what I ordered, it might sound a bit strange though LoL...

I ordered first and foremost a Leatherbound Journal with a Triquetra on the front which represents "three" - So it could be religious or pagan or just have your own interpretation on it. I see it as trying to bring all my parts together and integrating into one complete, spiritual, happy person....and I mean truly truly happy.

Then I ordered a Box for a, ummmm, toy...LoL... Probably the less said about that the better...but I'm pleased with it....

I also ordered my Terramundi to save up for an Exhibition later in the Year and when I get paid next Thursday I can put some money in it....which is great!!

And finally I ordered some Glitter Pens...This might sound silly but I love to create pictures with them....My little inside girl loves them!! The concept of an Inner Child might not appeal to some but I love the fact that I still have some innocence inside me and a funloving part of me that likes to be playful...especially as my Life can be all too serious sometimes.

Trip to the Doctor's went okay....Turns out that I need a Colonoscopy..which I'm absolutely scared to death of....and I almost wish I could get it over and done with but it could be another couple of months before it's done....So, plenty of time to panic about it!!

This afternoon I may be seeing my Ex or I might just have the afternoon off....either way I'm planning on relaxing!!

Catch ya all later...Love and Hugs, Helen xxx

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The Stuff of Dreams

Save £4100 Before the End of 2011 Challenge
I'm currently Studying. My College Fees are already taken care of for the rest of 2011 but next Year I have to pay £4100 - I'll be paying a LOT of it from Tax Repayments and the rest will come from Ebay Sales and extra Wages.

Currently £600/£4100 (YAY, Got Started With A Big Chunk At Last!!)

Terramundi Pot Challenge (To Open Saturday 19th November 2011)
I'm going to an Exhibition at Olympia (not sure if I'm allowed to post the name of it since it's a bit, ummm, risque LoL). I'm going to buy a Terramundi soon...and then start Saving with extra's from Wages (I can do as much Overtime as I like).

Currently £0/£750 (A Lot to Spend and Go Mad With!!)

Budweiser Bottle Challenge (To Open 31st December 2011)
I have a great big massive Plastic Budweiser Bottle (appropriate since I used to work for the people that own Budweiser!!) and I'm going to fill that up with the odd pennies and coppers and 5p's and spare change.

This is for my Flight/Hotel/Food/Spends/Excursions on my Trip to Morocco in January/February 2012!! - A Big Ask But I'd Love To Get There!!

Currently £2.57 (Starting Again!! But I WILL Get There!! :A)

£144 in 144 Days Pt 1
This is all going to be from earning an extra pound every day from Overtime at Work, starting Wednesday 9th August. This first part is going to be for a set of the Beauty and the Beast DVD's (remember the old Series with Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman?) and also a new MP3 Player.

Currently £20/£144 (Finally Made A Start!! :j)

£144 in 144 Days Pt 2
This second part will be for what I call my "Soho Fund"....And that's for some fun things from Soho (I think I might leave that one for all your imaginations!! LoL :rotfl:)

Currently £20/£144 (Finally Made A Start!! :j)

£144 in 144 Days Pt 3
This third part will be for a Table for Two (haven't decided who with yet!!) and a Meal and the Show for the Wam Bam Burlesque Club in London for January or February of next Year. It looks amazing there but the Tickets for a Meal combined with the Show is £70 each..so that should work out nicely then!! :T

Currently £20/£144 (Finally Made A Start!! :j)

Writing A Book Challenge
So, I've been meaning to write a Book for ABSOLUTELY AGES!!! But never actually gotten around to it. So now I'm going to write one...Even if it never gets Published, so what, I'll still have written a Book. First step is to find out about practical stuff - ie: How many chapters should there be, how many words per chapter, etc. Then a Synopsis of the Book. Then start writing it....Oooooooh scary!!! - Nothing done so far, MUST get started!!

Losing The Weight For ME!!
So, I'm currently MASSIVELY overweight..by about 10 stones (and no, I'm NOT exaggerating). I'm currently Ummmm'ing and Aaaaaaah'ing over Joining Slimming World and I'm not sure right now. So at least for this Week my Plans for Weight-Loss are on Hold until I decide what to do.

Start Weight: To Be Confirmed
Weight Lost: 0 pounds so far

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