DreamerHelen's New Diary - "Ad Astra per Aspera"

Hovel_lady

Like the sound of your treats. Not sure about the box though

Sorry to hear about the colonoscopy. Doesn't sound like much fun. Do you have anyone you would want to go with you?

Hope it goes well if your ex does turn up & enjoy relaxing.
xx

Hovel_lady

Just been re-reading your diary from the beginning.
Do it yourself sometime - do you see how your thinking has changed for the better since you started it?
You're becoming your own hero and that is something to celebrate so have this :j and this :T.

xx

DreamerHelen

LoL Hovel Lady...."The Box" will come in handy...honest... :A

Yeah, Mum will go with me to the Colonoscopy but she won't be allowed in the actual room with me....I know they give you a Sedative but it still frightens me half to death...I have a high emotional-pain threshold but not a very high physical-pain one!!

I really should go back and re-read this Diary from the beginning....I was thinking that the other day... Thank you for the nudge!!

My Ex isn't coming around this Afternoon which I'm disappointed by....I can't decide if he's genuinely busy or just trying to get himself gently out of my Life....but when I've offered to remove myself from his Life it was an emphatic "No" in response....So I'm not sure what to think. I DO know though that I MUST concentrate on ME this Year....and whatever happens with him will happen whether I panic about it or not...

I'm still going to have my Afternoon Off though....I'll be working all night tonight and I have to stop at 8am tomorrow as I'm getting a New Phone delivered...

Oooooh I forgot to say about that!!! My Contract is up for Renewal and I will always have a personal Mobile Phone so decided to renew....and I asked if I could have an I-Phone without thinking they would actually give me one and they HAVE given me one!! In fact I've got the newest one...and I-Phone 4. I'm not much into Gadgets but this is something I have wanted for a while...and I got it for FREE!!!! Although obviously they'll make their money on me every month I suppose...I guess it's not very MSE but I can afford to pay the small Contract Fee so I'm happy with that...I always seem to get myself into trouble with PAYG Phones as I put waaaaay too much credit on them...at least with a Contract I don't ever go over my Minutes...

I know I know...I'm trying to justify it...and in the end as long as I can justify it to me then that's what counts...I think....LoL

Right...going for a bit of a sleep and chill out....Catch ya all later...xxx

Hovel_lady

Glad you have someone to go with you.
Maybe your ex doesn't know what to think either so he's decided to avoid the issue and not come round. Sometimes we all do that. Well, I do anyway.

You don't to justify yourself to us, honest. As long as you're happy with the phone and can afford it that's all that matters.
Catch up later xx

DreamerHelen

Thank you Hovel Lady hun....I DO tend to justify everything that I do....I also tend to feel like I'm a burden, like nobody wants me around and I think the main problem is that I don't want me around!! But that goes back to feeling unworthy....

Yeah, I don't know what to think about my Ex....I think maybe he is just busy....And I'm overthinking it....He certainly seems to want to be in my Life...Think I'm just going to try and stop panicking and see what happens!!

Well, I managed to get some Sleep this Afternoon and it's now 8pm and I'm going to grab a bite to eat and start Work by 9pm....

Have a HUGE Target of £115 tonight - Not sure if I'll hit that by morning since I HAVE to finish by 8am so that I'm available to take delivery of my Phone...isn't it bloody sods law that they say "Oh it'll be delivered between 8am and 6pm"...so I'll probably get it at 5.55pm!!! LoL...hopefully not!!

Anyway...onwards and upwards xxx

Hovel_lady

You're no burden to me, it's great to have you there.:D
I overthink stuff too and it's a hard habit to break but I'm trying.

Yes, why do delivery people think we want to sit round all day waiting for them to turn up? :mad:

Hope you meet your target, let us know.
Catch up later xx

DreamerHelen

Morning Everyone...

Feeling a bit crap this morning!! Ended up going to sleep last night and didn't wake up until 7am this morning!! :mad: :mad: :mad:

Somehow I've got to figure out how to stay awake and meet my Targets....Now, somehow, I've got to make £444 before Sunday evening which is nigh on impossible...especially since I'm having 3 teeth out tomorrow morning and might not be up to talking on the Phones for the rest of the day....

Not quite sure what to do!!

And I'm sat here waiting for my Phone Delivery...I just hope that it doesn't turn up at 5.55pm...that would just be incredibly annoying and inconvenient!!! :mad:

Also, I broke up with an Ex about 2 and a half years ago....I would consider him the love of my Life and probably my Soulmate....and it's his Birthday today. I haven't had any Contact with him since October 2009....But I'm dying to Email him and wish him a Happy Birthday...just to have some sort of contact with him....But I know that it would open up all sorts of problems and painful memories....So I just have to get through today without Emailing him....And after today I won't have an excuse for Emailing...So I hope I can get through today and be strong....

I've also got to go out and deliver my Application for a Placement for next Year (to do with my Course)....So that's also why I'm hoping that my Phone Delivery doesn't take all day!! I really really don't want to have to deliver this Application tomorrow after having Dental Work done....And tomorrow is the Deadline....so fingers crossed this bloody delivery will come quickly!!

So that's my Update...

Thank you Hovel Lady for saying you want me around...that's nice to know

Hovel_lady

Morning

Sorry you're feeling so carp today. Boo to dentists.

Getting in touch with your ex - I can understand why you want to but really think about it first. Opening old wounds is really painful.

Hope the phone turns up soon.

Thinking of you xx

DreamerHelen

I'm sat here with tears dripping down my face...feeling thoroughly miserable and unloved and pathetic and unworthy of being around....

I just feel like nobody wants me....And that's the way it should be...I'm not worthy for anyone to actually care about me....

I've done crappy things in my Life and although I'm reliable for everyone else I can't seem to get it together enough to be reliable for ME....and that hurts...

I just spoke to my most recent Ex (we'll Call him M)....I asked him what he wanted from me and I told him that if I couldn't give him sex (which I can't cause he's now with someone else) then what else could he possibly want me for....He said that he didn't want me for anything...He just wants to be friends. But I don't get it...why would anyone want to be friends with a fat ugly person like me?

I just feel unworthy tonight...really really unworthy...

I feel about an inch tall....and if I could shrink myself away to nothing then I would...

If anyone is reading this please don't worry, I won't do anything stupid....well except maybe for stuffing my face with crisps and chocolate!! I've been suicidal and I got through it...and I'm not that bad yet....Just feeling really really down....

In other news - My Phone came and I love it...but can't even bring myself to be excited about that right now...

I have the Dentist tomorrow and I'm terrified...and that's another thing....2 years ago I had 14 teeth taken out and now wear partial dentures....that just makes me feel even worse about myself....for goodness sake, I'm 33 and need to wear dentures!! And now they are taking even more teeth out tomorrow!!!

I'm just a fat, ugly, pathetic, unworthy, stupid nothing...At least that's the way I feel....and I'm sure I'll feel better later...at least I hope so....But I just had to get it out there somewhere in the ether...So maybe some higher power out there will give me the strength to carry on for just a little while longer...

I don't know what to do....I don't know where to go....and I don't know who to Call or what to do to make myself feel better....My Life feels empty...just work, work, work, work and more work at the moment...And that's really hard...

I'm sorry if this worries anyone....I'll be okay...Just need to vent right now....

I'll update all my Totals later...I don't have the heart to do it right now...

Hovel_lady

Big ((hugs)) coming to you all the way from Hovel land.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad at the moment. You're a wonderful amazing woman who does deserve to be loved and have a happy life. I wish I could convince you of that.

I'll be around until late - PM me if you want to.

I'm here for you, thinking of you xxx