DreamerHelen's New Diary - "Ad Astra per Aspera"

DreamerHelen

Upsidedown_Bear wrote: »

Yay to meeting target, going to the zoo and healthy food :T
Go you :T

Thank You hun....and Thank You for being so sweet and for looking out for me....

Bad news is that I've burned myself....I did it a few days ago on my Wrist with some Steam that leaked out of the side of a Ready Meal that I was cooking....and it's gone really nasty...so I've just put some Witch Hazel on it and a Dressing and it feels a bit better...so I'm hoping that will help....

Anyway....Going to be Working later on.....for most of the Night...

Upsidedown_Bear

Ouch, sorry to hear that

Hope it gets better very soon

DreamerHelen

Upsidedown_Bear wrote: »

Ouch, sorry to hear that

Hope it gets better very soon

Thanks hun....I hope it feels better soon....

I'm sat here having a major freak-out about Monday....I don't even know what set me off....but my heart is racing and I've been crying....

I know it will be okay...but I'm still terrified....what will they ask me? What if they call me all sorts of names? What if he gets off?

I'm supposed to be Working all night as I still have a long way to go to hit my Target....but I just don't know how to make myself log on....I'm completely freaked out....

I've tried doing something practical and it helped for a little while but at some point I DO have to log on and Work....and I know then that there will be lots of waiting around for Phone Calls and I have to be all upbeat and friendly and right now I'm not sure I have it in me to be that to anyone...

So that's where I'm at right now....

Sooooo close to applying for another PayDay Loan....Except I know that will just lead to more problems....but I'm completely freaked out about how to earn enough money this Weekend...without going completely mad!!!

Sorry for splurging....Just freaking out here....I'll be okay....

The_Dragon

huge huggles hun! Hopefully the bar steward will get what is coming to him and it will all be over quickly and you can get on with life

Upsidedown_Bear

DreamerHelen wrote: »

Thanks hun....I hope it feels better soon....

I'm sat here having a major freak-out about Monday....I don't even know what set me off....but my heart is racing and I've been crying....

I know it will be okay...but I'm still terrified....what will they ask me? What if they call me all sorts of names? What if he gets off?

I'm supposed to be Working all night as I still have a long way to go to hit my Target....but I just don't know how to make myself log on....I'm completely freaked out....

I've tried doing something practical and it helped for a little while but at some point I DO have to log on and Work....and I know then that there will be lots of waiting around for Phone Calls and I have to be all upbeat and friendly and right now I'm not sure I have it in me to be that to anyone...

So that's where I'm at right now....

Sooooo close to applying for another PayDay Loan....Except I know that will just lead to more problems....but I'm completely freaked out about how to earn enough money this Weekend...without going completely mad!!!

Sorry for splurging....Just freaking out here....I'll be okay....

I'm not surprised you're freaking out and feeling terrified about Monday. I certainly would be. It's a perfectly normal reaction to what is going on. Really really not nice I know but perfectly understandable. Please don't feel bad because of how you feel.

Do you have anyone to go with you on Monday? Will someone from the police be there or Victim Support?

I do think that another payday loan is a bad idea for you. Can you leave the decision about getting one until Tuesday and see how you feel then?
You have money in your savings pots that you could use if you need anything. I know you want to save the money but I think it would be better to take a little out that you need so you don't borrow more money.

What would help you right now to feel a bit better? Anything you can do? Don't worry about work for the moment, it can wait.

If you want to PM me rather than post here please do.

Thinking of you - you're doing great x

DreamerHelen

Thanks Dragon and Upsidedown Bear....

I went to sleep in the end because all I could think about was the Trial and I figured that becoming unconscious was probably a good idea....It's something that I have done in the past when I'm distressed....and it usually Works...

I'm still feeling wiped out though....Tried to Work but its dead....I've re-jigged my Budget so I CAN survive on what I've earned already...but would like to earn more if I can...

So right now I'm umm'ing and aah'ing about whether to go back to bed and try and Work in the morning or whether to try and Work now....

Thank You again for all of your kindness....xxx

Upsidedown_Bear

Glad you got some sleep. Sometimes I find like you if something is bothering me the best thing to do is sleep.

Sending big hugs to you x

Upsidedown_Bear

Sending lots of strength and positive thoughts to you.
Can't be there in person but my thoughts are with you x

The_Dragon

I hope today isn't too traumatic

DreamerHelen

Morning Dragon and Upsidedown Bear....Thank You for all your best wishes....

But I'm afraid that the worst is still to come....Yesterday they started late and didn't get through what they wanted to get through....so I sat and watched my Video Interview with the Jury and Judge also watching it and probably watching me...And that's all we did....

So today I have to face the cross-examination by the Defence Lawyer....who will probably tear me to shreds and try and discredit me and call me all sorts of names although the Prosecution Lawyer said they can't do that....but I'm still scared...

I came home last night with a cracking headache which was why I didn't have the heart to Post anything....

I've been up since 3.30am this morning....Managed to do some Work to keep my mind off things...and once I'd finished Work I continued with my Tax Return and did a few practical things just to try and keep my mind off what is going to happen today...

I know, and I keep telling myself, that all I can do is go in there and tell the truth...and I know that is the case....but I'm still scared...

The good thing is that I was screened off yesterday so I didn't have to see "him" again....although part of me wanted to get in his face and yell and scream "Why did you do this to me!!!!!"....But I know that wouldn't be productive...

So I just have to get through today...and then my part should be over and then I just have to wait for the Verdict...

I have lots of Support around me....My Mum was with me and I also had an Advocate from the Rape Crisis people....and they were both amazing....and then lots of Friends Texting and Emailing to make sure that I'm okay...so I feel really supported...

I'm supposed to be going to College tonight but it will very much depend on how things go today...so we'll see what happens....If I can't go then I won't....but I'd like to try...

I'll try and come back later on to let you all know how I got on today...Wish Me Luck....I think I'm gonna need it!!