Do any of you have or had a daughter like this?

Running_Horse

My daughter is definitely a daddy's girl, despite me being the strict one. I do everything to encourage her to spend time and do things with mum, and expect a serious backlash not too far into the future. But equally, what am I supposed to do? Not spend time with her reading and playing in the park? This time will soon enough be gone forever. Every child is different, and not all will neatly follow the psychobabble labels some will apply to them. Relax, and find girly things that daddy will not be interested in doing.

VfM4meplse

CH27 wrote: »

You aren't doing her favours.
It seems to be that you are looking for applause & validation from your daughter & that is wrong.

Agreed. She's playing you like a fiddle.

DorsetGirl_2

Rejected_Mum wrote: »

Hi there!

Although I may appear as a newbie I have posted before on here (a long time ago) under my main user name but wanted to start afresh in regards to this problem. I'm hoping some of you can offer some advice or even share similar experience's of this from older children (past toddlerhood) so I don't feel quite so alone. Sorry it's a long post.

For some years now my recently turned six year old daughter has been what you'd call a classic Daddy's girl. I remember this all too well with my eldest two teenagers when they were little (with ex partner) although not half as bad, but it subsided considerably around about the time they started school. This hasn't been the case with my youngest though which leaves me not only feeling constantly hurt and rejected but wondering if there is something more worrying than I initially thought?

It doesn't help that my partner leaves the bulk of disciplining her up to me (he either makes out he's too tired, can't be bothered for an easy life or that I'm just too stressy) so of course this makes me out to look like the bad guy. Also with my youngest being his only child he has more spare time and energy to devote to her. That's not to say I don't - she and I still do plenty of loving fun things/outings together. She's always been very possesive over her dad in getting annoyed (sometimes agressive) if we are showing affection towards one another..and yes she has been explained to why, reprimanded, included..all sorts. At the same time it's like trying to get blood out of a stone trying to get affection from her where as she willingly gives it to her dad and tells him she loves him. I will begrudgingly get cuddles and occasionly kisse's (via her holding her cuddly toys),she makes out she hates giving kisse's but I've seen her openly kiss her Dad. I'm only told by her that she loves me in systemetic response at bedtimes when I've said it first. She still acts like a toddler in that sometime's she will kick up a huge fuss/play up if her dad is going somewhere/doing something by himself or even won't go to sleep/stay with her come bedtime.

About the only times she isn't Daddy obsessed is when he's at work/out for the day at weekends, the odd time he's sternly told her off (shifts her favouritism) and probably say about 75% of the time she's ill/hurt..almost like she's sussed that women stero typically are the best ones to deal with all that stuff.(no offence to any males reading this). Anyway I may aswell become invisible again the moment he gets back from wherever. It's not just upsetting, it seriously grates on me big time. Take for example birthdays/Christmas..I go out of my way planning her parties, using my last pennies so as she wants for nothing. Her dad barely gets her nothing or doesn't contribute hardly to costs and has admittedly said if it were down to him alone he couldn't be bothered finacially or stress wise to do the above. I get all her clothes, treat her, take her to nice places but it seem's never ever enough.

All this only seems the root of the problem though- it almost appears that it's not just me. She seems to embarrasingly ignore/are rude to other females, paticularly say my mum and sister. As loving as they are they come across as no nonsense sort of parents and possibly she's sussed that? Take the other day for example with my mum taking her out on the morning of her birthday to treat her to some new clothes- she screamed in tears like my mum was going to murder her. I can't tell you how bad that made me feel.
The female exceptions to the above are her nearly eight year old cousin who we sometimes have over to play, her elder sister,her school teacher/assistants she's got to know over two yrs and her paternal nan who I think she subconsciouslly clicks with due to shared "learning difficulties"... but even then she can be fickle with those. She only plays/communicates with boys at school unless put into a situation in class where she has to be with girls (seated by/group work). That has stemmed from nursery..always boys and mainly younger ones than herself. I have told her teachers I am concerned that within a few years when these boys will tire playing with her because it's too embarrasing/she's not one of them she will drift through school being a depressed loner because by that time any females would have formed well solid established groups.

Back during her nursery/pre-school days I began to question whether she clicked more so with boys rather than talkative girls her own age because of suspected attention deficit disorder, auditory processing disorder and (my mum has always thought mild autism) which can all overlap...but I'm not even sure now?
The school of course are aware and even agree something is "wrong" as academically she is behind for her age in many learning areas. (Could this be a reason why she acts toddler like still in her parent/sex preferration- who knows?). So far the few tests she's had from various health officials show she has many signs indicating the above conditions but nothing is concrete certain due to these conditions being hard to correctly diagnose at such a young age- apparently.
That is another battle in itself I feel so alone in continously fighting to get a diagnosis/the right help and helping her at home. Her dad only in the past year after seeing official test reports agree's somethings wrong but he's so blase about it (maybe because his mum is similar) it makes me want to scream and cry. But then again he shows the same style of parenting in regards to bedtimes/meal times and so forth so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

Back to the main topic though I am beginning to wonder whether it's gone beyond the simple Daddy's girl/Electra complex to something more and where it will all end? She's tom boyish to a degree in many preferences even though she still likes some "girly things". At my most paranoid I have thought she might have "penis envy" as bizzare as that sounds and one of those kids who will gradually turn around and say they're trapped in the wrong body.

Appreciate any advice given as I feel at my wits end. Thanks for reading and taking the time to reply if you do.

You are reading way too much into this and seem almost fanatical about it. You are putting so much pressure on a girl who has some kind of learning difficulties.

DorsetGirl_2

Also, you sound quite jealous of the relationship she has with her Dad and this maybe what is pushing her away.

jakes-mum

My son was a total daddys boy, right down to physically pushing me aside to get to him, I also felt very rejected by him and my husband couldnt see the problem. I did most of the disipline so thought maybe I was being seen as the bad guy. He is 10 now and always wants a cuddle with me and shares his affection equally between us. He still sees me as the no nonsense parent but doesnt love me less because of it, I think I actually have an easier time of it with him now as its ingrained 'mummy doesnt take any nonsense'.
On the other hand my 3 year old daughter is a total mummys girl, she will cover me in kisses and cuddles and if daddy comes near will actually say 'no, i dont want you!' which breaks his heart, but he now understands how I felt with our son. I am the main disciplinarian with her aswell and it doesnt ever stop her wanting a cuddle nor stop me being the favourite, which made me realise being the 'tough' one makes no difference to which parent they prefer. I dont know anything about autism etc so cant give any advice on that, but I have been the parent who felt unloved.
As you see all of your children as daddys kids, you dont seem to have had that feeling of being the be all and end all to a child. I do feel for you because its horrible to feel someone you love so much doesnt want you. You just have to remember that she does love you or she wouldnt come to you when shes sick and feels vulnerable.

Acc72

DorsetGirl wrote: »

Also, you sound quite jealous of the relationship she has with her Dad and this maybe what is pushing her away.

I agree - strange post from the OP (I am aware of Freudian theories, but have never heard them referred to in "real life" to a "real person", let alone their own child).

To the OP, who is clearly into psychology, do you not think that your own personal behaviours (both conscious and sub conscious) are affecting your childs behaviour ?

delain

What I will say OP is to try and take steps to stop the resentment of Daddy you have build up any further, your daughter wil already have noticed it and it won't be long before she can use it against you, children aren't silly.

heretolearn_2

Maybe you are trying too hard and that's having the effect of pushing her away?

It must be irritating though. I was a proper daddies girl too (although I was always affectionate to my mum) but mainly because dad stuff was just so much more interesting than girl stuff. Hmmm...let me see, help dad dig a big hole in the mud in the garden, or help mum cook dinner. Help dad use drills and saws and hammers and stuff on some DIY or help mum go shopping. Fool around in a dark room with chemicals developing photos with dad or sit and wind wool into balls with mum... really no contest to me as a kid. IT might help you to know that I got a lot closer to my mum once I grew up and had my own kid and needed all that domestic stuff.

What does your daughter like to do with dad? Can you find a way to get involved with her doing that instead?

Spirit_2

I suggest you Give yourself and your little one a break...and stop over-analyzing this.

Daughters seem to have a homing device for making mums feel insecure.

My daughter loved her daddy, preferred her child minder to me, is mildly dyspraxic, very individual and has still grown up to be a great young woman of whom I am very proud....and who at 23 will still cuddle up to me on occasions....and takes me for granted....and drives me nuts ( although the frequency of this is getting less).

Oh...she continues to adore her dad and has a fabulous loving relationship with the former child minder. Somehow though I know that she and I are just fine.

jackyann

Sounds like you're all in a tizzy, and probably can't see the wood for the trees.
Find a professional you trust, who can access information about your daughter's possible learning difficulties & talk to them. That will help clarify your thoughts & help you get some perspective on the main problems and decide how to deal with them.
I suggest the school nurse or family support worker attached to the school (but as this varies so much in different areas, ask class teacher or SEN teacher who they suggest)