Do any of you have or had a daughter like this?

Rejected_Mum

Hi there!

Although I may appear as a newbie I have posted before on here (a long time ago) under my main user name but wanted to start afresh in regards to this problem. I'm hoping some of you can offer some advice or even share similar experience's of this from older children (past toddlerhood) so I don't feel quite so alone. Sorry it's a long post.

For some years now my recently turned six year old daughter has been what you'd call a classic Daddy's girl. I remember this all too well with my eldest two teenagers when they were little (with ex partner) although not half as bad, but it subsided considerably around about the time they started school. This hasn't been the case with my youngest though which leaves me not only feeling constantly hurt and rejected but wondering if there is something more worrying than I initially thought?

It doesn't help that my partner leaves the bulk of disciplining her up to me (he either makes out he's too tired, can't be bothered for an easy life or that I'm just too stressy) so of course this makes me out to look like the bad guy. Also with my youngest being his only child he has more spare time and energy to devote to her. That's not to say I don't - she and I still do plenty of loving fun things/outings together. She's always been very possesive over her dad in getting annoyed (sometimes agressive) if we are showing affection towards one another..and yes she has been explained to why, reprimanded, included..all sorts. At the same time it's like trying to get blood out of a stone trying to get affection from her where as she willingly gives it to her dad and tells him she loves him. I will begrudgingly get cuddles and occasionly kisse's (via her holding her cuddly toys),she makes out she hates giving kisse's but I've seen her openly kiss her Dad. I'm only told by her that she loves me in systemetic response at bedtimes when I've said it first. She still acts like a toddler in that sometime's she will kick up a huge fuss/play up if her dad is going somewhere/doing something by himself or even won't go to sleep/stay with her come bedtime.

About the only times she isn't Daddy obsessed is when he's at work/out for the day at weekends, the odd time he's sternly told her off (shifts her favouritism) and probably say about 75% of the time she's ill/hurt..almost like she's sussed that women stero typically are the best ones to deal with all that stuff.(no offence to any males reading this). Anyway I may aswell become invisible again the moment he gets back from wherever. It's not just upsetting, it seriously grates on me big time. Take for example birthdays/Christmas..I go out of my way planning her parties, using my last pennies so as she wants for nothing. Her dad barely gets her nothing or doesn't contribute hardly to costs and has admittedly said if it were down to him alone he couldn't be bothered finacially or stress wise to do the above. I get all her clothes, treat her, take her to nice places but it seem's never ever enough.

All this only seems the root of the problem though- it almost appears that it's not just me. She seems to embarrasingly ignore/are rude to other females, paticularly say my mum and sister. As loving as they are they come across as no nonsense sort of parents and possibly she's sussed that? Take the other day for example with my mum taking her out on the morning of her birthday to treat her to some new clothes- she screamed in tears like my mum was going to murder her. I can't tell you how bad that made me feel.
The female exceptions to the above are her nearly eight year old cousin who we sometimes have over to play, her elder sister,her school teacher/assistants she's got to know over two yrs and her paternal nan who I think she subconsciouslly clicks with due to shared "learning difficulties"... but even then she can be fickle with those. She only plays/communicates with boys at school unless put into a situation in class where she has to be with girls (seated by/group work). That has stemmed from nursery..always boys and mainly younger ones than herself. I have told her teachers I am concerned that within a few years when these boys will tire playing with her because it's too embarrasing/she's not one of them she will drift through school being a depressed loner because by that time any females would have formed well solid established groups.

Back during her nursery/pre-school days I began to question whether she clicked more so with boys rather than talkative girls her own age because of suspected attention deficit disorder, auditory processing disorder and (my mum has always thought mild autism) which can all overlap...but I'm not even sure now?
The school of course are aware and even agree something is "wrong" as academically she is behind for her age in many learning areas. (Could this be a reason why she acts toddler like still in her parent/sex preferration- who knows?). So far the few tests she's had from various health officials show she has many signs indicating the above conditions but nothing is concrete certain due to these conditions being hard to correctly diagnose at such a young age- apparently.
That is another battle in itself I feel so alone in continously fighting to get a diagnosis/the right help and helping her at home. Her dad only in the past year after seeing official test reports agree's somethings wrong but he's so blase about it (maybe because his mum is similar) it makes me want to scream and cry. But then again he shows the same style of parenting in regards to bedtimes/meal times and so forth so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

Back to the main topic though I am beginning to wonder whether it's gone beyond the simple Daddy's girl/Electra complex to something more and where it will all end? She's tom boyish to a degree in many preferences even though she still likes some "girly things". At my most paranoid I have thought she might have "penis envy" as bizzare as that sounds and one of those kids who will gradually turn around and say they're trapped in the wrong body.

Appreciate any advice given as I feel at my wits end. Thanks for reading and taking the time to reply if you do.

delain

Erm... I can't help much with the bulk of your post, but I do have twins with Autistic tendencies, and I know they find the 'code' that girls use with each other bewildering, and that they often 'get it wrong' without really knowing what they have done! Thus twin2 (7) has lots of boy friends, although she'll say she doesn't, they are the ones who call and wave to her when we see them out and about.

As a child myself, I did not like girls either. From a very young age I learnt that they are manipulative, nasty bullies, and if your face doesn't fit (mine didn't) they can make your life a living hell if you don't understand the way they work.

I had good friends from the age of 5 who were boys, and am still in touch with some of them now at 26! They never 'outgrew' me, that said we were all misfits in one way or another.

The point of that is - Children who have difficulties often cannot cope with the complicated social behaviours of girls. I couldn't, I have female friends now but deliberately keep myself on the edge of the group, I know how quickly they turn on people. My twins do try to be accepted, which I never did, but apart from the odd one or two most of the girls seem to just brush them off. They usually only get invited to boys parties, which is telling, because the girls don't want them around and (surprise surprise) the boys do!

In case it isn't clear, I'm quite happy being a woman, I have children and an OH, I also have (strictly platonic) male friendships, and men I know have been known to ring me and say 'My girlfriend says this, what does she really mean and what have I done?' because they know that I understand that women in general expect you to be telepathic. What I don't get is when said women get jealous because their OH spoke to me... No I don't want to steal your man, he just wanted to talk to someone!

Kimberley82

I really think you are looking too far into it. Some children are just like that.

flutterby_lil

My son is 3 and I love him being a daddy's boy. It really makes me smile and know ow much his daddy means to him.

From how I see it you are feeling pushed out and jealous (I am not being nasty or accusatory here this is just my view) that you do everything and pay for everything and she doesn't appreciate you. She appears spoilt and likes the attention without boundaries or consequences of her behaviour from her daddy.

I think you need to talk to daddy and maybe tell him that he needs to discipline her too.

Other than that can't think of what other advice to give you.

grey_lady

Just a thought, if you do most of the disiplining - how much positive praise and reinforcement do you have time to do? I'm sure there was a parenting expert on tv ages ago who recommended 3 positive interactions to every negative.

CH27

Rejected_Mum wrote: »

Hi there!

Although I may appear as a newbie I have posted before on here (a long time ago) under my main user name but wanted to start afresh in regards to this problem. I'm hoping some of you can offer some advice or even share similar experience's of this from older children (past toddlerhood) so I don't feel quite so alone. Sorry it's a long post.

For some years now my recently turned six year old daughter has been what you'd call a classic Daddy's girl. I remember this all too well with my eldest two teenagers when they were little (with ex partner) although not half as bad, but it subsided considerably around about the time they started school. This hasn't been the case with my youngest though which leaves me not only feeling constantly hurt and rejected but wondering if there is something more worrying than I initially thought?

It doesn't help that my partner leaves the bulk of disciplining her up to me (he either makes out he's too tired, can't be bothered for an easy life or that I'm just too stressy) so of course this makes me out to look like the bad guy. Also with my youngest being his only child he has more spare time and energy to devote to her. That's not to say I don't - she and I still do plenty of loving fun things/outings together. She's always been very possesive over her dad in getting annoyed (sometimes agressive) if we are showing affection towards one another..and yes she has been explained to why, reprimanded, included..all sorts. At the same time it's like trying to get blood out of a stone trying to get affection from her where as she willingly gives it to her dad and tells him she loves him. I will begrudgingly get cuddles and occasionly kisse's (via her holding her cuddly toys),she makes out she hates giving kisse's but I've seen her openly kiss her Dad. I'm only told by her that she loves me in systemetic response at bedtimes when I've said it first. She still acts like a toddler in that sometime's she will kick up a huge fuss/play up if her dad is going somewhere/doing something by himself or even won't go to sleep/stay with her come bedtime.

About the only times she isn't Daddy obsessed is when he's at work/out for the day at weekends, the odd time he's sternly told her off (shifts her favouritism) and probably say about 75% of the time she's ill/hurt..almost like she's sussed that women stero typically are the best ones to deal with all that stuff.(no offence to any males reading this). Anyway I may aswell become invisible again the moment he gets back from wherever. It's not just upsetting, it seriously grates on me big time. Take for example birthdays/Christmas..I go out of my way planning her parties, using my last pennies so as she wants for nothing. Her dad barely gets her nothing or doesn't contribute hardly to costs and has admittedly said if it were down to him alone he couldn't be bothered finacially or stress wise to do the above. I get all her clothes, treat her, take her to nice places but it seem's never ever enough.

All this only seems the root of the problem though- it almost appears that it's not just me. She seems to embarrasingly ignore/are rude to other females, paticularly say my mum and sister. As loving as they are they come across as no nonsense sort of parents and possibly she's sussed that? Take the other day for example with my mum taking her out on the morning of her birthday to treat her to some new clothes- she screamed in tears like my mum was going to murder her. I can't tell you how bad that made me feel.
The female exceptions to the above are her nearly eight year old cousin who we sometimes have over to play, her elder sister,her school teacher/assistants she's got to know over two yrs and her paternal nan who I think she subconsciouslly clicks with due to shared "learning difficulties"... but even then she can be fickle with those. She only plays/communicates with boys at school unless put into a situation in class where she has to be with girls (seated by/group work). That has stemmed from nursery..always boys and mainly younger ones than herself. I have told her teachers I am concerned that within a few years when these boys will tire playing with her because it's too embarrasing/she's not one of them she will drift through school being a depressed loner because by that time any females would have formed well solid established groups.

Back during her nursery/pre-school days I began to question whether she clicked more so with boys rather than talkative girls her own age because of suspected attention deficit disorder, auditory processing disorder and (my mum has always thought mild autism) which can all overlap...but I'm not even sure now?
The school of course are aware and even agree something is "wrong" as academically she is behind for her age in many learning areas. (Could this be a reason why she acts toddler like still in her parent/sex preferration- who knows?). So far the few tests she's had from various health officials show she has many signs indicating the above conditions but nothing is concrete certain due to these conditions being hard to correctly diagnose at such a young age- apparently.
That is another battle in itself I feel so alone in continously fighting to get a diagnosis/the right help and helping her at home. Her dad only in the past year after seeing official test reports agree's somethings wrong but he's so blase about it (maybe because his mum is similar) it makes me want to scream and cry. But then again he shows the same style of parenting in regards to bedtimes/meal times and so forth so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

Back to the main topic though I am beginning to wonder whether it's gone beyond the simple Daddy's girl/Electra complex to something more and where it will all end? She's tom boyish to a degree in many preferences even though she still likes some "girly things". At my most paranoid I have thought she might have "penis envy" as bizzare as that sounds and one of those kids who will gradually turn around and say they're trapped in the wrong body.

Appreciate any advice given as I feel at my wits end. Thanks for reading and taking the time to reply if you do.

Those things are normal parenting things. You aren't doing her favours.
It seems to be that you are looking for applause & validation from your daughter & that is wrong.

Sorry if i'm way off but that jumped out at me that way.

tizerbelle

Rejected_Mum wrote: »

I go out of my way planning her parties, using my last pennies so as she wants for nothing. Her dad barely gets her nothing or doesn't contribute hardly to costs and has admittedly said if it were down to him alone he couldn't be bothered finacially or stress wise to do the above. I get all her clothes, treat her, take her to nice places but it seem's never ever enough.

To me this is the problem - your OH NOT your daughter. Why is he not contributing financially / emotionally to your daughters upbringing. He is playing the role of generous uncle and not father - he needs reminding she is his daughter and he has to take an equal role in parenting be that organising parties / taking her out and most definitely discipline. Sort him out and she'll realise he's not the soft touch he once was.

Gigglepig

Agree with the poster above that your OH should be more involved in the difficult parts of parenting, and set boundaries.

Your OH is the one who needs to be a good role model for your children regarding how to treat their mum and other women kindly and warmly. He should not permit your children to treat you with any disrespect.

mishkanorman

That seems like a lot of negative labels to apply to such a young child because you are feeling left out !

Mips

My little girl is the same with her Daddy. She idolises him! If she could choose, it would be him all the time!

She is also very affectionate and loving with me and if we watch a movie, she loves to lie in between us in bed and watch it - we like to watch animal documentaries with her because the chatter from her and the interest she takes is just fascinating! We could listen to her all day!

I would say perhaps the learning difficulties are the reason she is more 'for' Daddy, or she could just be like that.

As for the penis envy thoughts, you understand yourself that's paranoia - and as parents, we're all paranoid at times. My daughter slipped out of a bumbo or similar onto a stone hearth and banged her head!!! That afternoon she started pulling tongues all the time - I was convinced I had brain damaged her :rotfl:

I've worried one of my twins was autistic, slow... all kinds.

But I doubt she has penis envy, more just a little tom boy who loves her Daddy like many little girls

jellyhead

I don't mean this to sound like a criticism of you at all, but have you thought about parenting classes?

I did the Webster Stratton course 2 years ago and found it helpful. My youngest is fine but my eldest was throwing tantrums and I thought I could get some tips on how to talk to him without me getting angry. I'm not an angry person - I think my eldest might be the only person I ever get angry with, but something about the way he argues with me pushes my buttons

I increased the positive praise (it still works, even with teenagers) and thought about my facial expression and my body language a bit. It's him and not me, everyone knows this. He has temper tantrums with everyone. But still, I picked up some ideas on how to resolve things and stop the negativity escalating into huge tantrums.

My son is dyspraxic and probably has aspergers - he's being assessed again. He seems to find communicating with me (and other females) more difficult than communicating with males. He thinks I'm a stress head, and I nag too much.

The reality is that my husband (lovely as he is!) is much stricter than I am and is quite domineering and always gets his own way, but my son doesn't see it that way at all. He thinks I'm the strict one - I can only assume it must be something to do with my body language, facial expressions or the way I word things. If I get angry after lots of provocation, telling him to do something lots of times etc. he reacts as if my anger has come out of nowhere and is completely unjustified. He doesn't 'get me' at all, it's as if he doesn't understand what I'm saying a lot of the time.