Do any of you have or had a daughter like this?

mishkanorman

I think your biggest problem is you are forgetting that she is a child, a young one at that. They shouldnt be made aware of the half the stuff your daughter has been !

My boys quite often will barge in-between my and my OH for hugs, its not because they dont want daddy to have mummy hugs, its because it looks so nice to have that affection they want it as well.

Some days I have horrific trouble out of my 2, days when they are just so full of it that my entire day is spent correcting their behaviour and getting into shouting matches. It happens to us all, we all have an off day. However at the end of it, we have bed time hugs and make sure we've made up, when its all calm and forgotten about I talk to them about what went wrong, simple terms no more telling off about it but just re-affirming that its not on. It gives them a chance to say if I upset them about something, just because Im mum doesnt make me 100% right all the time !

It saddens me the way you view your daughter OP, I really think you need to address your depression before you look at your daughter/husbands behaviour. If you are depressed it will change your ability to deal with things, minor stuff that should be left to pass will become deal-breakers and seem like the end of the world. Change your focus to you, you may find once your back on top and stronger you will be able to spread the calmness to your family.

mishka

Rejected_Mum

Hi again

Thank you for the continuing advice/support....

To answer some questions no I never had post natal depression and actually bonded as per normal with her, I can see why you might of thought that though. We were very close up until her nearing the age of three but back then I wasn't too paticuraly worried. Yes I Have suffered from depression on and off for about the past ten years and have in the past seen my doctor, tried certain perscription drugs but they made me feel a lot worse. I don't know to be honest how I've got through some of the bleakest darkest days so far (not just because of my youngest) but something's pulled me through after generally sobbing for a long time, probably a reality check of if I can't get myself through it, no one else will bother as peoples patience with "depressed people" kind of wains after a while. Yes I guess little things do get to me more than most but this issue to me doesn't seem like a minor thing and has been ongoing for some time....

Yes my daughter has/is being monitored by a speech and language therapist who tests her at school every so often. She's also been seen by ear specalists (normal hearing fine), several other health official types (including school one) too over the past couple of years (Have kind of last track). She is also on a waiting list to be seen by education psychology and it's been recommended by the therapist that she see a speech, language and communication needs team.
The last report was quite thorough and without having to go into too much detail basicly the diagnosis at the top states: Delayed receptive and expressive language skills. Difficulties with auditory, memory, attention and listening skills. Can't remember no mentionings of CAHM'S or referals for this on any reports or anything said to me so I presume it's up to the parent to get the ball rolling with that via the GP? I've heard of it mentioned a bit on here but don't know what they do exactly/if any different from any of the health officials tests she's had already? But if it gets her a proper diagnosis sooner and more help than of course I'm all for it.

If only her dad were more consistent with his discipline though..that's half the problem. I keep telling him but get excuse's back. He is supposed to put her to bed most evenings as I'm at work but often I'll come home to find her either still up late or having got back up and he can't be bothered to keep doing it. I seriously blow my top with him some nights especially when she has school the next day. I don't need it coming through the door.
Her learning difficulties are not the problem in accepting her for how she is even though I have to admit sometimes I wonder "Why me?" , "Why my child?" and it is tough work and hard going. But it's accepting the coldness, the lack of affection that I can't handle. I have learnt not to expect much from her, but still keep all options open with contionous bonding time together and showing her love regardless in hope but after each knock back and then seeing how she is with her dad it's like a knife through my heart each time. Even after say "bad days" I always let her know how much she's loved/give hugs but she doesn't want to know. Since all the fiasco on Tuesday with her playing up it's gone from half hearted sort of hugs to nothing at all virtually. She'll change the subject or run off or make out she's occupied and doesn't want to be distracted. I got something of a half hearted attempt of a hug before work yesterday after pleading but even then she put a fleece blanket between us as a barrier, kind of how she uses her cuddly toys to kiss me rather than herself. Her terms are blimin hard to cope with sometimes.

Thank you for the book links..they seem very interesting from the little I managed to read about them. I will see if I can get hold of some copies. I am and always will be open to all ideas/suggestions/help.

Allegra

Rejected_Mum wrote: »

Her learning difficulties are not the problem in accepting her for how she is even though I have to admit sometimes I wonder "Why me?" , "Why my child?" and it is tough work and hard going. But it's accepting the coldness, the lack of affection that I can't handle. I have learnt not to expect much from her, but still keep all options open with contionous bonding time together and showing her love regardless in hope but after each knock back and then seeing how she is with her dad it's like a knife through my heart each time. Even after say "bad days" I always let her know how much she's loved/give hugs but she doesn't want to know. Since all the fiasco on Tuesday with her playing up it's gone from half hearted sort of hugs to nothing at all virtually. She'll change the subject or run off or make out she's occupied and doesn't want to be distracted. I got something of a half hearted attempt of a hug before work yesterday after pleading but even then she put a fleece blanket between us as a barrier, kind of how she uses her cuddly toys to kiss me rather than herself. Her terms are blimin hard to cope with sometimes.

Hey, I hear you Here, have a dodgy hug off an internet stranger instead, and believe me, I need it as much as you do ! :grouphug:

But, you know, that's where understanding of the causes is vital, and an absolute life-saviour at times: if your daughter does have an ASD or similar, then knowing that, for instance, she does not have the same need for physical affection and emotional closeness that we do will help immeasurably. The fact that she apparently seeks it from her Daddy could simply be because she sees it given by or to Daddy more than she does the other way round, and apes it because it seems to cause more happiness and pleasure than it does the other way round. Likewise, some forms of contact - like the contact she does not initiate herself - can be actively unpleasant, even painful to her, and rejecting this does not mean that she is rejecting you personally.

So, for instance, my daughter can be almost suffocatingly clingy and affectionate, when she feels like it - hanging on to me sometimes and not letting go, even if I am on my way to the loo or summat - whilst at others, when she is not in the mood, she will snarl at me and even lash out physically because I have accidentally brushed her arm. Ever had a cat ? It's like that - when they want you, it's up on your lap and shredding your trousers; when their mind is on something else, touch them at your peril and prepare to be bitten or scratched !

My point is, when you are aware that sometimes physical contact can be downright painful for your child, then having hugs through a blanket, instead of feeling like a rejection because she puts a barrier between you two, becomes very precious, because she is actually trying to cope with something she dislikes, for the sake of pleasing you, by minimising the unpleasant aspect of it. See what I mean when I say that understanding is crucial ?

As for CAMHS, yes, go to GP, explain your concerns, ask for a referral. In some areas schools also refer to CAMHS, and those referrals seem to be taken as more urgent, but in some they don't - we had to go through the GP every time we saw them, and it took forever, which means that the sooner you go the better.

Good luck !

Rejected_Mum

Thank you Allegra for the internet hug,lol. Here's giving you one too :grouphug:. Sorry if you're going through a bad time aswell.

Yes it all kind of makes sense what you are saying. I do..well try to understand everything from her point of view and will I think just have to appreciate/accept what little affection I do get from her and hope it improves. I think it would be easier to comprehend if she showed no affection to anyone, rather than say hardly any/none at all to me or female members of my family. Her dad isn't necessary more affectionate towards her than I am..but he is eeerrm probably more energetic/immature like at times much the same as his mum so maybe that's more it. :rotfl:

From what you say then I think it's best I get a doctors appt asap for this referal to CAMH'S.

Thank you again and to everyone.

P.S Daddy (well her's) has promised from now on he is going to be more disciplined with her from now on and back me up following a talk last night. Not sure if it's through feeling sorry for me or what or how long it'll last?..but anyway wish me luck, I'll need it,lol.

Steel_2

Rejected_Mum wrote: »

I got something of a half hearted attempt of a hug before work yesterday after pleading but even then she put a fleece blanket between us as a barrier, kind of how she uses her cuddly toys to kiss me rather than herself. Her terms are blimin hard to cope with sometimes.

Why are you pleading with her to hug you?

You are putting a lot of stress on a small child.

dizziblonde

Basically (skimmed as the font's too small for me to read before my first cup of coffee)... daddy's the soft touch who does all the shiny stuff without any of that nasty discipline stuff... COURSE she's going to favour him - she's 6 years old and they ain't mugs! If the jealousy when you're hugging or whatever gets her attention - then she's going to continue doing it!

As for shifting loyalties - they ALL do it at that age. I supply teach - and I can guarantee you by about 10am the girls in most classes will be declaring me the best teacher ever and similar... and by 10am the following morning, whoever's the warm body in front of the class that day will be the best teacher ever - it always makes me laugh (but I allow myself to be flattered by it).

Sounds like you've got issues relating to her and coming to terms with her SEN and resentment towards dad, and she knows how to push the buttons and upset you (like the fleece blanket thing). See lots and lots of kids who know just how to turn it on to strike at the weak points with a well-timed "I don't love you" - or similar and it sounds very much like that.

Some kids just aren't fluffy and huggy like others - I'm one. I'll recoil and tense up if someone tries to "take" a hug off me - even my husband, even my mum... has to come on my terms or I'm internally fighting the feeling of "woah someone has a hold of me do not like do not like do not like." Friend's younger brother was the same - he'd chat to you quite happily, laugh, giggle and what-not - but he would never ever do the "we're going now give X a hug and a kiss goodbye" thing lots of kids do - even as a toddler - it just wasn't his style. Friend was most upset when her daughter went for her first day at school and she was expecting momentous hugs and farewells at the classroom door and the girl just turned around and said, "bye mum go home and have a cup of tea" and mooched off without another backward glance!

You're reading too much into it all and probably getting yourself wound up about it which is making it much much worse.

Sambucus_Nigra

I'd suggest you taking a leaf out of daddy's book, and letting him show you just how the disciplining is done properly; let him take the lead and the follow up and show you just how it all works.

A week at max before he loses it and decides on your new rules, all written up in advance of course.

jellyhead

internet hugs from another stranger here You sound so down, but things can improve.

I must admit though I really feel for your daughter. Hugging you with a blanket as a barrier was probably very difficult for her, even though she finds it easier with Daddy. My eldest was my cling-on but he found contact with most other people almost painful and with my sister absolute torture (she shouts). If you begged for a hug and she forced herself to give you one - she does love you. But I think you shouldn't beg her again ...

You are stressy and depressed so your facial expressions, body language, tone of voice - everything is more difficult for her to understand and get on with. You say something and think that's enough but if she has delayed receptive language then she may not understand the speech without visual clues, and depressed people are sort of ... flat. This is not criticism, just a sort of reasn why she would find communicating with daddy easier than with you.

The real problem is that you and daddy are not consistent. Fingers crossed that he makes an effort now that you've talked. I'm going camping today, best wishes for the coming week

blue_monkey_2

OP, I do understand how you feel, my son has autism too and sometimes a cuddle is like getting blood from a stone - and emotions the same. Before the diagnosis it was very hard to deal with and it is very easy to feel rejected after all you do. This in turn will lead to you feeling depressed, it is a vicious circle.

Can I ask what your DD has seen day to day though in relation to the usual 'teenage stuff' you mentioned. If she has seen your kids arguing with you and (maybe) getting their way, she could have been learing from them all the time in a round-about way.

I think that also she might well have picked up on the fact 'her' dad is only 'her' dad and not the dad to your other children and this is why she is being like she is. I think she might actually be doing it for attention (hence the situation with your daughters BF, your other daughter was getting the attention and not her on that day). If she is being like that, have you something you can give her to do that she loves, rather than shouting at her, give her something that she likes doing instead? Time to bake a quick cake or something? It's just a thought. I think she may well be doing it for attention though - some children crave it but maybe she has seen your teens playing the pair of you off. They can take a lot in as little ones.

Sounds like your husband has been all too quick to give affection without boundaries and so she wants it like that all the time, whatever the situation. She is not stupid, whatever you might think, it's like the kids who asks mum for a sweet, mum says no and so they ask dad who usually says yes. They learn quickly on what side their bread is buttered.

On the plus side, at least you can go to work for a few hours to get away from it and get a break from it all. Have an off day every day for a week and let him deal with the bed and bathtimes. I've started walking the dog when my husband gets in from work to get me out of the house and away from the kids.

Rejected_Mum

Thank you once more for the latest advice, suggestions and hugs.
It is slowly dawning on me through listening to you all (well reading but you know what I mean, lol) to definitley lower my expectations, accept her for the way she is and try not to pressurise her. I will also watch my body language etc. Unfortunately she probably has picked up on a fair amount of stress/arguements in the household in regards to teenagers over the last several years which probably hasn't helped. Had to laugh at the post in regards to daddy loosing it after a week of doing his rules..nice one. I'm sorry if I haven't answered/commented on your posts in depth..still only half awake here. I have taken everything on board though and appreciate all the help.