Do any of you have or had a daughter like this?

Running_Horse

DorsetGirl wrote: »

You are reading way too much into this and seem almost fanatical about it. You are putting so much pressure on a girl who has some kind of learning difficulties.

I missed that detail while skim reading the very long post.

How many penises has this six year old girl seen, to be envious of not having one?

Very strange discussion.

Rejected_Mum

Firstly many thanks for all your replies, opinions and own experiences.
I had a gut feeling that some of you might have wondered whether I was over analyzing the situation in regards to too many theories or just plain jealous. Probably a mixture of both I have to admit. Most of the time I try not to let it bother me but there are times of course where it gets too much and I can't help but get upset. Of course I don't wish to make her feel bad or push her away further. At the same time I think all children need to be taught/reminded the consequences of hurting others feelings either intentionally or unintentionally. Unless my upset is either stated to her or quite obvious she won't realise and even then apart from the odd few times where I might begrudgingly get a cuddle she'll mostly turn around and say after sighing "Oh Mummy , don't cry/be upset, don't be like a baby!" I'm not the only one who's picked up on her lack of conscience either in regards to other matters/people but she is all to quick to show feelings if someone has upset her even over the silliest of things.

I'm glad there was a couple of you who also have shared experiences of those with learning problems and their difficulty in bonding/communicating with females..made interesting reading. I don't want to pin labels on my little girl for the sake of it whether it be to do with her daddy obsession or development delays although it may appear that way. I am just at my wits end in trying to seek answers, reassurance, hope and help. I could just sit back and take everything in my stride, not bothering but things get to me easily..I can't help that.

The trouble with her dad is that he tries to be her friend more than her parent in letting her get away with too much (it's a more easier life for him)- not that he'd ever admit this to anyone. We've had upmteen talks about him doing his fair share of disciplining, backing me up but it never lasts long. It's like he fails to see the imoportance of setting/keeping to rules, boundaries and routines. All I get from him is accused of being a naggy stressy parent and the little gem of "No wonder she doesn't like you/prefers me". It almost seems like he gloats upon that sometimes.

I do give my daughter positive praise usually in the time that we spend doing stuff together that she enjoys but daddy dislikes/can't be bothered with (e.g going the beach/fair, baking cakes, messy art & craft activities) and especially while doing reading/homework... so not everything is negative. Maybe I don't praise as much as I should do but certainly no less than my partner gives her either. I'm not looking for applause or validation either in treating her to nice things/outings but a bit of appreciation in the form of a bit of warmth from her every so often is surely not expecting much when she gives it so freely to her father for doing so much less. You tell me who wouldn't feel resentment/hurt from that eventually?

I forgot to mention last time that it's not just jealousy she shows over her dad and me (if we get close that is) but my teenage daughter and her boyfriend. It jolted my memory as he came over yesterday for the first time in a while and from the very start my youngest had taken a shine to him. So much so that when my eldest daughter tries to spend time alone with him or starts acting affectionate the youngest tries to either annoy them or mussle in claiming she wants a kiss/cuddle from him too. She has been known to say to my eldest daughter ******'s my boyfriend, not yours, which is what I get similar with the "Daddy's all mine, not yours" from time to time..either with a sneery or gleeful look on her face. I dread to think how she'd respond at school if the boys she likes/plays with have other girls come up to them or vice versa if they loose interest. I suppose time will tell.

The parenting classes seem like a good idea... (as does getting more proffesional help in regards to hopefully understanding/dealing with my daughter better). I know that I am a far stressier person that my partner with less noticably patience and higher expectations. This latter being from how I was brought up, his family almost the complete oppisite. He seems to on the whole generally have a more easier ride of it than me though with having more free time and singleton/no tie friends he can reguraly call up to go out. My free time is either spent catching up on on housework or a much needed lie in.

I'd just like to add no my daughter has not seen many penise's in her life time (gosh how that made me laugh). I should think at the most it's only been her fathers by accident a couple times. The Penis envy theory stems a lot deeper than that to which you'd have to read up on the Electra complex. I don't proclaim to be any kind of expert in psychology but am fascinated by it. Indeed I had not heard of Freuds/Carl Jungs theories before seeking answers to her behaviour and where as I may not agree 100 % with them, there is some bits that I could eaisly see/asscoiate as to the why's and how this might occur.

delain

I think Daddy does need to wake up and smell the coffee...Exactly how is 'No wonder she prefers me' going to help the situation?! It's a cruel thing to say to you, especially if he isn't pulling his weight with discipline.

My little Squeak loves her Daddy, she is only 11 months, but when Daddy comes home from work no one else will do for a couple of hours. He loves the fact that she's missed him when he's been at work, but is quite firm with discipline and would never say that to me. Apart from the fact that I'd go mental if he did, I like to think he has more respect for me than that!

MessyMare

However, penis envy does not mean that you have a gender confused child. It's more to do with the 'priveledges' etc of being male. I used to be a right daddy's girl, and at several points as a child I told my mum I hated her- I was an utterly horrid child! However, as I became a teenager I grew apart from my dad and towards my mum, now we're pretty much inseperable. She was also the disciplinarian in our family. I think what other posters have said about when she comes to you in times of need is also true

jellyhead

I think maybe you're feeling that neither of them appreciate you. It's not all your daughter - her father isn't backing you up. You keep saying that he can't be bothered with certain aspects of parenting. If my husband wasn't involved with days out, swimming etc. I think I'd feel that there was something wrong. How is your marriage?

On the other hand, maybe it's his way of backing off and allowing you some special time to bond with your daughter? who knows.

Also, if husband and daughter think you're a stress head, have you investigated that at all? Are you moody, angry, disapproving etc? Maybe you could see your GP? Evening primrose oil might help if it's PMS you have - is there a pattern to the arguments with your husband about the situation? It's only since doing the parenting course and taking more notice of what's happening in our arguments that I've realised I lose my patience with my teenager once a month, and there are days when I could quite easily hit him. I've started taking evening primrose oil, but the reality is that once a month I am an evil witch

Sublime_2

Relax OP. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

My daughter never used to hug me much, but always would cuddle, and kiss her daddy, and is very intelligent, and sociable. She only used to play with boys, apart from her girl cousins, and one other friend, but has started to mix more.

By making a issue of it, you're making her turn away. Let her love you in her own way.

Rejected_Mum

Thank you again to the last few posters.
Indeed my little girls dad did do a decent amount of discipline yesterday with her which is a first in a long time. That's only because I'd had a very trying day of her being rude and physically attacking me on and off for hours which all stemmed from her shouting demands with no manners and me not backing down. She was like some obstinate wild child on drugs. I could of easily smacked her but was afraid that if I started I wouldn't stop. It was a relief to actually escape and go to work for a few hours come tea time. I was dreading coming home and as awful as this sounds wanted to completely avoid her knowing that she'd still be up. My partner had been aware of the days events from me telling him earlier and in that time while I was working had a major go at her. He reminded her to appologise to me which was said with no feeling or remorse what so ever. Even so it was at my insistence that he deal with putting her to bed and yes she played up. My partner has this usual typical rountine of giving up after a few minutes of trying to get her to do as she's told and leaving her to her own devices..I can only presume in the hope of that I'll take over if I'm there which annoyingly is usually the case. However he soon realised that I certainly wasn't up to it so tried again and again with her to the point where upon the 4th attempt he was shouting, threatning her with smacks and having priveliges taken away. The irronicness of all that as I sat there listening downstairs, was as he so often reminds me (including only 30 minutes before that) was he doesn't ever need to shout or threaten her with a smack like I do when she's seriously playing up, which is why she responds better to him in behaving. Well I could of said something but bit my tongue.

Our relationship is not good most of the time but you know I keep working at it in hope- the trouble is were complete oppisites in every way.
This is going to sound so awful to some of you but I dread the day my teenagers have left home and I am stuck left with him and our daughter. I think I will become more lonely and more depressed than I am already if that's possible. Sometimes just sometimes when things get really bad with both of them I so wish they could move out together or I sit there closing my eyes in the stupid hope that upon opening time will rewind itself by ten years or twenty in the future. But most days I wish I could just die to completely blot all the hurt out thinking that would be more convenient to all concerned. He could bring her up how he wants without my nagging and she would have her daddy all to herself and wrapped around her little finger so to speak.

I didn't mean to make it sound that he doesn't do things with her/takes her places..he does, it's usually things that they alone enjoy but I don't or for when I need a break from her/have mountains of house chores to catch up on. Occasionally we go on family outings..but usually that's just on her birthday these days. Any other outings in the past have made me feel like I've inconvenienced him in some way..if it wern't for the fact that these trips and most treats are payed for by me (which our daughter is aware of) I'd no doubt feel the same vibes from her then too.

Yes I suffer from pmt which no doubt doesn't help with my stressy emotional nature and will look into the evening primrose oil..thanks for that. I just don't know if I have it in me sometimes to wait for years to see if all this blows over, to actually feel some love from her which I haven't for 3 plus years...I don't want to feel just used as some one who will do because daddy's not around, because she gets more out of me, because I'm the better Florence Nightengale. Mentally I already feel like I have reached my limit with not just my partner and our daughter but from just about getting through the last several years from bringing up two teenagers and all that entails. Who knows why she is the way she is?..even if it is because of privelidges of being male makes her shine to them more and act colder towards females it still cuts me up so much because I'm not just any female as I tell her sometimes..I'm her MUM who has done nothing but love, cherish, nuture her and so forth which is tearing me up inside. It's hard not to make a issue of it- if it were typical toddler behaviour lasting no longer than a year or two like most of that mummy's boy/daddy's girl stuff does it wouldn't of been so bad. Again if she were stroppy teenager full of raging hormones at least I could understand why. That is the hardest part of it all..not knowing why? I have tried to "accept it" as some of you have said like it seems no big deal but it is. I can't pretend or "put up" otherwise. : (

Steel_2

OP, did you have post-natal depression after her birth?

I only ask because an old boss of mine is in a similar position to you with her son, and it was down to her being very ill after the birth and then having PND for a year. The normal bond between mother and child wasn't made because she simply couldn't - she was too ill.

jellyhead

Sorry you're feeling like this OP

Have you seen the child development centre and got a diagnosis of her learning difficulties? I was just wondering if knowing there was something different about her might be a relief because you could read about whatever it was and find strategies for dealing with it but most of all realise that it's not something you're doing wrong. Sorry if she is diagnosed and I missed it.

You sound so depressed, have you seen your GP?

Well done for letting your OH put her to bed last night. Maybe it could become a regular thing a few times a week? Either he'll realise how difficult it is and stop criticising your methods or you may decide on some strategies together which help. Being consistent is the most important thing that we were told on the parenting course. It's no good one parent using the techniques if the other parent doesn't back them up.

Fingers crossed that things start to improve - the situation doesn't sound like fun for you or for her.

Allegra

OP, as you are obviously keen on psychology, may I suggest that you give Freud a rest for a while and read up instead on neurodiversity, especially on the autistic spectrum ? This book would be a very good place to start:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Complete-Guide-Aspergers-Syndrome/dp/1843106698/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1312965663&sr=8-1

And this is a must-read when it comes to dangers of giving to much weight to Freud's theories when it comes to neurodiverse people:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/History-Autism-Conversations-Pioneers/dp/1405186534/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1312965725&sr=1-1

I appreciate that your daughter has not had a diagnosis yet (CAMHS via a referral from GP would be a good start here if you are not doing this already), but as a mother of a daughter with autism (she is diametrically opposite to your daughter here in that she does not do interaction with males at all), I can very much sympathise with the feelings of rejection - if this is the cause of it, then really the only way to deal with it is to get informed about the condition as much as possible and completely re-evaluate your own expectations and take it from there. You have the child you've got, and just because this is different to what you expected, or have been used to with your other children, it does not mean that you can't still have an affectionate and loving relationship - it will just have to be on her terms rather than yours. But we parents are good at adapting to the needs of our kids anyways, it's just figuring out what those are that we sometimes might need some help with