Sisters debt. Bank of Mom and Dad.

dirtysexymonkey

op - please dont take this the wrong way but im worried about your sister. from what youve posted on here she sounds as if shes being pulled and pushed from all angles, especially from the husband. if hes so humiliated why is he still deadset on getting the money? i think you did the right thing with your sister, but something about the husband isnt sitting right with me. he reminds me of someone i used to know who like your brother in law also had everyone think that he was victim and nothing was his fault. it later came out that this couldnt have been further from the truth.

notakid

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

op - please dont take this the wrong way but im worried about your sister. from what youve posted on here she sounds as if shes being pulled and pushed from all angles, especially from the husband. if hes so humiliated why is he still deadset on getting the money? i think you did the right thing with your sister, but something about the husband isnt sitting right with me. he reminds me of someone i used to know who like your brother in law also had everyone think that he was victim and nothing was his fault. it later came out that this couldnt have been further from the truth.

He's not wanting the money I promise! He would have felt humiliated by my phone call and will be acting all stubborn and childlikebut he won't be doing anything to try and resolve the problem.

Thats why I've zero compassion, if he doesn't want phone calls he should have been trying sort out something. Also my sister can be a little sensitive she will be over reacting about his mood instead of telling him to sort himself out. My sister can be a martyr to herself.:cool:

However, I promise he is not the conniving type at all. He has so many good qualities. He is gentle kind and generous. Those are his good points and they do outweigh the bad I promise!

dirtysexymonkey

notakid wrote: »

He's not wanting the money I promise! He would have felt humiliated by my phone call and will be acting all stubborn and childlikebut he won't be doing anything to try and resolve the problem.

Thats why I've zero compassion, if he doesn't want phone calls he should have been trying sort out something. Also my sister can be a little sensitive she will be over reacting about his mood instead of telling him to sort himself out. My sister can be a martyr to herself.:cool:

However, I promise he is not the conniving type at all. He has so many good qualities. He is gentle kind and generous. Those are his good points and they do outweigh the bad I promise!

the smart ones never show it outwardly until they slip up. if your sister suffers from depression (and it is a real illness) then i dont think comments like 'she can be a martyr to herself' are very appropriate. i hope you dont say things like that to her because they wont help at all. for all his good points, if hes letting his ill wife deal with all this then he isnt that good at all. i fear you may be being taken in by him.

notakid

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

the smart ones never show it outwardly until they slip up. if your sister suffers from depression (and it is a real illness) then i dont think comments like 'she can be a martyr to herself' are very appropriate. i hope you dont say things like that to her because they wont help at all. for all his good points, if hes letting his ill wife deal with all this then he isnt that good at all. i fear you may be being taken in by him.

No I wouldn't say that to her much like I wouldn't want her to list my less than perfect traits to me but I'm just trying to explain what makes them tick.

I promise you, he is a good man. I've said before, he suffers depression too, his upbringing has not equipped him to deal with money matters so he has left it to my sister. He tries but both of them are similar in nature that they would rather avoid than deal with something head on.

All of us are a mix of good and bad. I have continually said on this thread that they are both good people. I do not believe my sister is more at fault than my BIL, I'm just explaining what has happened and how they react to be in this situation. My sister can act the martyr, she will beat herself up saying she is a bad person but she won't take the responsibility on of dealing with the matter and sorting it out.

Errata

notakid wrote: »

No I wouldn't say that to her much like I wouldn't want her to list my less than perfect traits to me but I'm just trying to explain what makes them tick.

I promise you, he is a good man. I've said before, he suffers depression too, his upbringing has not equipped him to deal with money matters so he has left it to my sister. He tries but both of them are similar in nature that they would rather avoid than deal with something head on.

All of us are a mix of good and bad. I have continually said on this thread that they are both good people. I do not believe my sister is more at fault than my BIL, I'm just explaining what has happened and how they react to be in this situation. My sister can act the martyr, she will beat herself up saying she is a bad person but she won't take the responsibly on of dealing with the matter and sorting it out.

It's unfortunate when one of a couple is like that, disastrous when they both are - as evidenced by their current debt. I guess the fact that they had to remortgage by a substantial amount a while back to get their finances straight and now they're in debt again doesn't auger well fo the future - unless one of them gets a grip. They're not kids, they can't run away from things, they're parents and responsible for two small children.
And of couse, it's much easier for your sister to beat herself up than to take action to sort things out.

notakid

Errata wrote: »

It's unfortunate when one of a couple is like that, disastrous when they both are - as evidenced by their current debt. I guess the fact that they had to remortgage by a substantial amount a while back to get their finances straight and now they're in debt again doesn't auger well fo the future - unless one of them gets a grip. They're not kids, they can't run away from things, they're parents and responsible for two small children.
And of couse, it's much easier for your sister to beat herself up than to take action to sort things out.

In all honesty both are real people pleasers with low self esteem and little confidence.