Sisters debt. Bank of Mom and Dad.

onlyroz

£60k a year income and no childcare costs? I wish. Tell them to get a grip and sort their lives out.

January20

Notakid, I think you should also take your sister to have a look at the Debt Free Wannabee forum, get her to put a thread in there with her Statement of Affairs: http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html . Indeed, even if she doesn't post an soa, she should really look at her budget, do a spending diary for a month and see where they spend their money and why.

And finally, remember you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Your sister and her husband have got to want to change their spending habitS and stop hiding behind excuses like she had depression 10 years ago, and whilst there is somebody willing to give them money to repay their debts, they have no incentive to change. Sometimes, you really have to give tough love.

ETA: notakid, it's nice to see you in this part of the forum

gillypkk

id be having stern words with both parties - your sister and your parents!

your sister for even thinking about asking your parents to bail her and her husband out and your parents for considering it!

sorry but your sister and hubby need to grow up and start acting like adults. i also suffer bad depression but that doesnt give me the excuse to live beyond my means and take money off my family!

DitaVonTee

notakid, I can sympathise with your position, my mother was exactly the same with money, just slipped through her fingers like water and she relied heavily on my grandparents (my grandparents reared me) so they were mum and dad to me.

It was only as I started to get older, I realised the financial strain she was placing on my grandparents, so I started digging my heels in and advising them not to continue borrowing her money, as they never got a penny back either! My grandparents were pensioners by the time I realised what had been going on, they'd loaned my mother enough money to buy her house outright three times over.

Final straw came for me not long after my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, mother hit her for £2k to clear some more debts she'd ran up, I advised my grandfather it wasn't a good idea to continue giving my mother money - as in effect that's what they were doing as they weren't getting it back, but what mother ended up doing was taking my grandmother to the bank when she asked her to take her when myself and my grandfather were both at work, so she ended up with the money she asked for anyhow.

My gran passed away 18 months after she was diagnosed with alzheimer's, to be honest it was a relief not only for my grandmother as she were suffering, but for the predator I call my mother as I realised she had not only blew her inheritance but would have no one to turn to in the future.

I wish you and your family well, and your sister can dig herself out of the hole she's put herself in and your father and yourself can concentrate on getting your mother well, you shouldn't have to be worrying about this when your mother is litterally fighting for her life, how selfish of your sister.

Thing about people with depression, my mother suffered with it too, they can become terribly manipulative and know exactly how to push peoples buttons blaming their illness as an excuse to behave so badly!

Errata

notakid wrote: »

To be fair you've hit on a bit of a sore point for me. I've had some personal troubles too but have made sure my Mom knows nothing of them and then my Sister dumps all this on the table!

However, I know its because she can't think of a way out. I wish I'd been a little more sympathic when she had broached the subject. If I had, maybe she would have come to me first instead of dumping it on my parents.

This will seem very harsh, but it appears your sister and BIL put their own need for money way before any concern for your mum's health. Doesn't that tell you something?
Your sister and BIL earn £60k a year between them - of course they can think of a way out of their debts - they've chosen the easiest way for them, bank of mum and dad.
I feel sorry for you because you're in the middle of this, but not half as sorry as I feel for your mum who's living with the knowledge of what her five year survival rate is, as is your dad.
I'm afraid that not only are your sister and BIL spendthrifts, they're are also heartless.

Mupette

I would tell parents not to bail her out... she is not learning any lessons and will always run to daddy...

RAS

research the term "enabler", it describes anyone who allows another person to continue behaving in a way that harms themselves because they refuse to say no.

Get you sister and her OH on here and people can help them. It is time they took responsibility for their own lives.

Phils_debt

i for one wouldnt borrow the money out even though i love both my daughters more than anything.
i am in debt at the minute to the tune of just over 10k i coud borrow the money from my mother no problem but i wont even ask its not her debt its mine and the wifes we made it and will get the satisfaction or clearing it ourselves ,there is no lesson learned if you create loads of debt and someone else pays for it

melancholly

there's simply no way they should get a free handout without first addressing their current spending habits.... if they constantly spend beyond their means, it won't do them or your parents any good at all. whatever happens, even if they do get a lump sum, this intervention has to be about more than just topping up their income in the short term.

independently of what your parents do, in your position i would tell your sister in very clear words that right now, she isn't allowed to put any stress on your mother. we all have that in families; sometimes you deal with stuff yourself because you don't want to stress other people out as they have enough going on.

you can't make someone have a lightbulb moment..... but you can hopefully make them see that the whole world doesn't resolve about themselves (although the fact that this needs saying is staggering!).

good luck.

podperson

Your sister is never going to learn to manage her finances if her parents are still bailing her out at her age. Could you sit down with her and go through a budget - they are earning a decent wage and have no childcare costs so where is the money going?? Then she would be in position to speak to someone like cccs or payplan and they could advise on what the best option in her situation would be - probably going on a dmp. If she realises that she isn't magically going to get the money to pay the debts then hopefully she will grow up a bit and take some responsibility for sorting out the problem herself.