Sisters debt. Bank of Mom and Dad.

belfastgirl23

OK well that's a slightly different context.

If your sister really is worried and panicking and knows that what she's doing is wrong, but feels she has no choice, have you really talked her through other solutions to her debt and told her that you'll support her 100% (albeit not financially) if she seeks help from National Debtline or starts using DFW board? I am glad you're trying to take care of her and that this isn't causing friction, but ultimately she's going to keep getting herself into this situation which is stressful and distressing.

The talk would probably start with you telling her that you're worried about her and about the stress this is putting on her and that you're also concerned because she seems to have difficulties managing money and even if the immediate situation is sorted out, it's not good for the family to keep going through this level of stress. And that it's a life skill like any other and one that can be learned with proper support and information. And that you're there to support and help her as much as possible in learning it. Also that maybe her situation isn't hopeless and that people can and do pay off debts like this the old fashioned way. And if you can find a way to say gently that it's your turn to be looking after your parents now, so much the better, acknowledging that sometimes it's hard to realise that they are the age they are.

It will be interesting to see her reaction. If she is a good person as you say it should be relief that there might be other solutions and a slight discomfort at putting so much on her parents.

Steel_2

Your sister sounds like a nice person. She is also financially inept because she keep being bailed out.

Debt can narrow your vision until it is so blinkered and you're so full of panic the only way out you can see is getting the money from someone. And as someone else said, you end up crossing boundaries on things that ordinarily you would think are a dreadful things to do, like asking your cancer-suffering mother for money and worrying her unnecessarily when she should be recovering.

If it is just a case that because she is financially inept she has no idea of the options open to her, then be gentle with her and you and your parents guide her, but on no account should your parents give her money to clear it. 60k of income between the two of them is enough to sort it out, and they need to start their financial education sometime so it might as well be now. Besides, when your parents pass, who will she turn to when her money runs out? You?

If it is the case that she knows what the options are, but it seems like hard work, nice person or not, she needs dumping on her !!!! until she grows up. The school of hard knocks needs another pupil. Nobody likes the idea of debt management plans or IVAs or the length of time and serious commitment they entail, but you suck it up when needs must.

notakid

Thank you for both your posts they have helped tremendously/

I've been sitting her stewing a little as every Saturday she calls me and asks and pops round, today she hasn't because of yesterday and my response to the pictures.

Now, I know she is at home feeling like a victim. That's one of her failings also she uses it as an excuse to shut down and not listen when she doesn't want to hear.

Believe it or not, I'm quite a blunt person in RL! Its not a good mix with someone who can be very negative and stubborn.:o

I need to call her I think and break the ice, but like yesterday, it could all end in tears as I know she hasn't looked at the website despite me telling her again and again what a great resource it is.

anguk

Something that hasn't really been mentioned but what does the sister's husband think about all this? My OH is very proud and he would be mortified if I asked someone to bail us out.

Is it your sister who is spending so he's letting her sort it out with her parents or is he also to blame for the debts but is quite happy to sit back and let someone else deal with it?

Ultimately it's up to your parents if they give her the money but I can't help feeling that in a couple of years time they're going to be back in the same position and there will come a point where your parents aren't here to do that or the money will run out.

I think your parents need to look at the bigger picture, they're in their 70s and your mum is unwell (sorry to hear that) what happens if it gets to the point where they need care or to move into a nursing home? They'll need their money to pay for that. My grandmother had substantial savings and lived independently until she was in her late 80s then she became unwell and had to go into a nursing home, her savings are paying for her care.

paddy's_mum

notakid wrote: »

Now, I know she is at home feeling like a victim. That's one of her failings also she uses it as an excuse to shut down and not listen when she doesn't want to hear.

Maybe the wisest thing you can do for your sister is to write to her, reminding her of this aspect of her own nature, and pointing out that if she continues to shut down and not listen, she is lining herself up for utter disaster, probably dragging her family down with her.

Sometimes, your ties to someone mean you have no other option but to practise a little tough love and ultra-straight speaking.

notakid

Well I thought I'd give you all an update and you can see I'm not as saintly as I seem!

I waited all day for a phone call and I hadn't heard so I gave her a call at around six oclock, her husband told me she was asleep so I told him that I didn't like being taken for a mug, and a phone call would have been nice to explain why they were worrying OAP's before doing a SOA! I then put the phone down.:o

He then rang back and said he knew it would cause ructions and he wasn't talking the money. I then lost my temper and said that I wasn't worried about the money but that they should stop acting like victims and as the damage was already done by worrying the parents maybe they should stop buying prints and repay the car loan.:o Too late I said this wasn't between me and him but my sister and myself.

My sister then came round we had a blazing row, we calmed down I found out she had broken down and hadn't meant for my parents to know. I said to come on here and do a SOA, pay of the credit card loan with the money our parents will give her and sort out a cheaper loan.

Its kind of cleared the air, its hard because I don't understand depression. I told her I felt better if I found things out rather then just worrying. She has visited the site but only the general advice given by Martin she has been trying to ring the debt lines but no ones returned her call. I've told her that her debt to earnings was not a problem and probably the debt companies won't really be able to help I've said that I think the debt free forum would probably be invalable and I'm sending her the link to the SOA to post.

She said they hadn't brought any prints only the free ones and we not considering buying the others. I'm hoping she will post on the debt free board but I do think she is feeling sorry for herself and thinks I've added to the stress. However honestly, I feel that wasn't a problem of my making.

Hopefully she will sort stuff out and start to feel better, I've just got to mend bridges with her husband now! :eek::p

belfastgirl23

Well done you. You are being the best kind of friend for her, someone who will tell hard truths but still be there. Her husband might well be grateful too, if the overspending is largely on her part maybe he also is worrying about it but doesn't know how to get to grips with it. Don't give up now!

Sounds like she is at least making a start, we all have to find our own way into this sort of thing.

KnightSmile

I think you are being the best sister in the world - giving her the tough love she really needs! She might not like you right now for being this way but in 5-10 years time she will look back at this point and quietly thank you (even if its to herself) for your intervention.

Seriously well done.

January20

You are human notakid and if your sister didn't want to hear what you thought, well you shouldn't have been put in a position where you knew of the situation. Like others I think it's good that you had a row and told them the truth about their situation and what they are putting your parents through. Protecting people is not always the best solution.

You say you have to mend bridges with her husband, but what kind of a man is he that lets his wife -who seems to be suffering from depression- deal with all of this? From what I gather from your posts, they both work and have 2 kids so she has as much on her plate as him, as well as not feeling very well. Why doesn't he do something? Why doesn't he help with the soa and posting on here and trying to sort things out rather than let her ask the money from your parents? Is it just laziness?

notakid

Hi January!
Thanks for the link earlier that is one of the links I've passed over to my sister!:D

With regards to my BIL, I truly think matters were taken out of his hands, my sister broke down and told my parents, they offered the money. He has had no part in this. Yesterday my sister told me that her husband was dead set on borrowing the money and felt humiliated that this had come to pass..

However I agree with you, he should have sat down and tried sorting things out, but we have similar husbands both expect us to do the finances and both become stressed and angry when faced with things they don't understand, that's why I would never criticize.:o

He always comes from a very dysfunctional family himself, he has never been taught good money management.