Pocketmoney Discussion Thread

paulwellerfan

thanks for all your advice.
just to add a bit more of my background
i am a single parent and have raised my daughter on my own ( left her dad as he was very abusive when she was a year old)
i attended an access course and then went on to attend uni ( graduated last year) i am now a qualified social worker who earns a reasonable wage but who works very long hours.
i guess i feel guilty firstly for taking my daughter away from her dad and secondly for working so long hours. anyway my daughter feels i help the world ( job) but have no time for her-
she drinks and is very rude to me and half the time will not go to school. she does not appreciate the value of money and never has ( even though i struggled for many years on benefits)
the £30 a week came in to it as i did not have the time to shop for her clothes on a weekly basis plus there is also an element of pocket money in there. i wanted to try to teach her to budget for her self. however this weekend she has gone through the £30 plus more on just one night out with her friends. she refuses to get a paper round and tells me that all her friends parents give their children at least this amount.
i feel a failure with my own child to say the least and dont know how to turn it around.

Mandles

paulwellerfan wrote: »

thanks for all your advice.
just to add a bit more of my background
i am a single parent and have raised my daughter on my own ( left her dad as he was very abusive when she was a year old)
i attended an access course and then went on to attend uni ( graduated last year) i am now a qualified social worker who earns a reasonable wage but who works very long hours.
i guess i feel guilty firstly for taking my daughter away from her dad and secondly for working so long hours. anyway my daughter feels i help the world ( job) but have no time for her-
she drinks and is very rude to me and half the time will not go to school. she does not appreciate the value of money and never has ( even though i struggled for many years on benefits)
the £30 a week came in to it as i did not have the time to shop for her clothes on a weekly basis plus there is also an element of pocket money in there. i wanted to try to teach her to budget for her self. however this weekend she has gone through the £30 plus more on just one night out with her friends. she refuses to get a paper round and tells me that all her friends parents give their children at least this amount.
i feel a failure with my own child to say the least and dont know how to turn it around.

I would cut the money if she is buying drink with it at 15. Maybe do some nice stuff with her. Take a day off and do a day in london with her or something like that(mine love it and are around the same age).
I got all the latest toys and gadgets when i was young and turned into an ungrateful moo!! I realise now and have brought my kids up very different and in general they are very appreciative of all the things they get and treasure time with me and sad things like card games and board games and family days out more than really expensive things.
Don't give her loads to make up for working hard for her.She will see that soon enough. You are a good mum so don't beat yourself up about it and cut the cash a bit! Tough love.

tom555tom

does your daughter work around the house?
id explain to her how you have to work for your money so should she, either she gets a paper round or she helps you around the house, you obviously love your daughter alot, which is the norm.

just say to her if she keep things like her room tidy and washes the pots or even helps put the shopping away then she gets a percentage of her £30

if she fails at one that week she loses £7

anewman

I wish I had you as my parents lol. £30 a week, boy did I miss out when I was younger

stefejb

goodness paulwellerfan - only a parent would feel guilty about taking a child out of an abusive and possibly dangerous environment and then working hard to provide for her seriously if you're comfortable that it's a reasonable amount for what you expect her to do with it and can afford it then so be it. i should imagine that if you were to reduce the amount now or make it conditional there wold be hell to pay. i think she's better off than most and one day she'll realise that too - the bad news is that that's probably a good five years or more away. So long as she knows that once it's gone it's gone.

I have the same thing with my dad. my little half sisters are 15 and 13 - he pays their phone bills (and then they hang up on him) and gives them 200 and 250 euros a month (they live in Holland) and they have fallen into a bad crowd. Even my middle dd(19), who was a horendous teen, has told him that a kid with too much money will always be popular with the wild kids but he's playing out his guilt from having left me and my siblings when we were young.
good luck

liney

Children with too much money on tap spend it on inappropriate things....

I think you give her too much. I would cut it down to a fiver as a result of her abusive behavior, and tell her she can earn it back by behaving herself. Plus, if you give her £30 a week she will never get a part time job if she goes to college, and may even get additional money in EMA! Paycut. Definately.

belfastgirl23

Would it be worth going along to some parenting classes? Not saying you need to learn to parent, more that I think you need some support in terms of dealing with your daughter. And I have heard really really good things about them, particularly for single parents who need a sounding board for how they're handling things...

LillyJ

When she is at uni she may have to live on £30 a week, which she will also have to buy food with.
I suspect a lot of it is spent on alcohol. It is so expensive. I drank as a 15 year old, and my mum knew (never did me any harm and age 23 I drink approx half a bottle of wine a month!). She said that she wouldn't give me any more money if I had spent it on alcohol, and I had to tell her where I was going and allow her to pick me up so she knew I was safe.

That is nearly the amount that people on Job Seekers get, and they have to pay for food and bills out of it!

bestpud

DD (16) gets £50 a month and buys all her own clothes and 'extra' toilettries.

We get shampoo/shower gel/tooth stuff etc but she buys anything else such as hair wax/make up etc.

She is expected to babysit her little sister for a couple of hours a week for that, while we are both at work, and odd times during the holidays.

I'd pay her extra if it was all evening or more than that though.

She does her own washing but that is her choice since her dad dyed her washing too many times!!

I think you are too generous tbh! Don't feel guilty, you have no need!

RoxieW

Sounds like an ungrateful madam with a chip on her shoulder. I'd sit her down and havea goo old chat about why you're working so hard, perhaps show her the bills and how much you need to earn each month. Ask her to imagine you're living in a council flat on income support, and how much less of a comfortable life she would have if you hadnt taken the work hard route. She should be proud of you. Of she's buying drink with the money I'd cut it to £10 a week, and you want to see what she's buying, but say that if she's responsible with it you'll take her shopping once a month with the £80 you've kept back. Perhaps, if you like, add a £20 bonus that she can earn around the house - that way she feels she's winning a little. Then you kill 2 birds with one stone - she has to quit the drinking/buck up her ideas, and she also feels that she's getting quality time with you. Make it a real girly, re-connect day - do lunch, maybe have your nails done or haircut if due one. Good luck! Oh, and ditch the guilt - she'll use it!