How did you feel about the family you married in to? (long-ish)

Errata

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Thanks for the quick responses!

OH and his family are not big on confrontations. They prefer to let something slide than to sound off about it (another thing where our families are so different!), but OH was mad about the wedding thing and said that he'd tell them we couldn't make it. I told him that whilst I appreciate the sentiment, in all honesty, all I could see that doing is making them think we (or more likely me!) was just making a fuss and being awkward, so I wouldn't let them have that on us, and told him to go with good grace, but that I would need the car!

I don't think they'll walk all over me/us and it's not so much about boundaries - more that I don't want to be closely "associated" with them (eeek).

And seriously, will I still love my baby if he/she remind me of "Uncle XX" every time I look at him/her?

Dear me, you have an awful lot to learn :rotfl: Will it settle your mind if I say 'No, not a chance - you'll want to keep it in the cellar'

starsteel

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

]Yes, I think they would think that to be honest. Not so much MIL, and perhaps it would never be said but I imagine BIL and FIL would feel that way.... OH wouldn't mind if I kept my maiden name, but I don't want to have a different name to my children. So I can't win on that one really - and we won't be double-barrelling as neither of us like that and our names don't really go... And I guess I hate the thought of my baby being/feeling more part of their family than mine because it will have their name.

I guess I just needed to rant a bit, it's been bothering me and I can't really fully talk to OH about this... As much as he can sense how I feel and we do talk about our families misgivings, I think it would still hurt him if he thought I felt this strongly about it

In the run up to my wedding last year, I kept changing my mind over whether or not I was going to take my husband's name. In the end I couldn't bring myself to do it - his surname belongs to him and mine belongs to me. I simply changed 'miss' to 'mrs', which you can do via phone or email without having to go to all the hassle of showing the marriage certificate.

My mum found it a bit strange, and some relatives just assume I have my husband's name, but it's really not a big deal. He has his name and I have mine. He would have changed his, but I didn't want him to.

If you don't want the same name as his family, then don't have it. Don't make it more of an issue than it really is. As to having children, they'll probably have my husband's surname, but neither of us really care. There's no need to invent problems for the future!

luxor4t

CH27 wrote: »

Keep your distance & don't b*tch about them to your OH as that will cause friction between you.
Decide on some basic ground rules & stick to them.....

Very wise advice - shame it took me so long to recognise that DH's close family won't ever change. Once a decision has been made in that family, it is set like concrete.
Now that I realise they won't change their minds about me, even after almost three decades, I just sit back & ignore them. Being half the country away also helps

make_me_wise

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

OH's brother has never been particularly kind to me (never said anything nasty specially, but generally totally ignored me if I was there), and has always been very jealous of his more "successful" younger brother (ie OH)

OH's dad is similar to his OH's brother, though has a kind heart and has always been nice to me.

His mum is a real sweetie, but has let "her boys" do pretty much whatever they want.

And maybe they are right in thinking I'm a snob because I'm dreading our baby looking like the dad or brother (both are short, fat, missing teeth, bald).:eek: As much as I joke, this is a semi-real fear of mine........................

Blimey as odd relies go I think you are getting off relatively lightly to be honest. Okay so the future bil sounds like a bit of a k-nob. Just be civil at family get togethers, remember his birthday and pop a card in the post at Xmas and dont bother with him in between. Problem solved.

The future father in law sounds a tad on the tedious side and more than a bit childish but as you state he has a kind heart and has always been nice to you.

You are on to a winner if you like the future mother in law. She sounds like she has raised her boys in an odd fashion. However from what you wrote she seems to like and value you.

The bit about what your baby will look like made me chuckle. Aren't all newborns short, fat, missing teeth and bald?

My advice is value the good and ignore the bad.

See getting married as a relationship between you and your fiance. Okay so his family are thrown in with the deal but you can control how involved with them you want to get. Its not like walking down the aisle suddenly means they all move in with you and you have to be around them 24/7.

heretolearn_2

To be honest I think your baby hormones are getting on top of you here - so they are a bit different to your own family but EVERY family is different to your own family. They don't sound nasty or anything, the car thing was just one of them being a bit pushy but you and OH can say no. Other than that they sound fine to me, you should try some in-laws! Try reading the stories on here about in-laws who are downright evil, manipulative, nasty, dangerous etc...You need to put all this in perspective. My own ex in-laws were also very different, a Cockney sort of family, found it a bit hard at times but their hearts were in the right places and that's all that matters.

The whole worry about the baby looking like them and being more in their family than yours thing really is just your hormones, honest. It's a weird concern you are on there, but we all get weird concerns when we are pregnant for the first time. One of my friends became permanently convinced she was being burgled at all times and had to keep rushing home to check. You are just feeling possessive about your baby, that's nature for you, just make sure you don't put that possessiveness into action or you could cause a big rift. There's plenty of baby to go round :-)

scottishminnie

your hormones are fine. I'm not going to post my experience but all I will say is that my OH family ruined the first 10 years of my marriage and his failure to stand up for me certainly contributed.

You need to be very sure that he will support you or you will be heading for a miserable time. Don't waste time like I did - I won't ever get those years back (we are still together but that time was a write off and badly affected how some things have turned our for us)

On the name subject - keep your own. I hate the fact that I took a name connected with people like them. It's not an uncommon name but I go out of my way to avoid using it, I so wish I had kept my own name.

Mupette

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Has anyone else felt this horrible towards their in-laws?

If my MIL to be was still alive i would feel a privilage to marry her son, OH's both parents are no longer on this mortal coil, which just leaves OH and his.... *sigh Brother.

Self centred rude man.

Made friends on fb with me just so he could see how his brother was doing, when OH gave in and joined fb, i got blocked. (no loss to be honest)

When OH was invited to visit brother and his wife, he said great i'll bring me and my son, i think the words used was "It's not a F**kin cafe" from that comment i knew what i had instore.

They have been invited to the wedding BIL and SIL oh joy.
They tried to use me so OH would see them more, i can't make OH see his brother more if he doesn't want to, why should i.

Families ehh can't pick em

summerday

I'm pregnant too and must admit I'm questioning things and thinking about things irrationally at times. I do understand that you're concerned about his family, but as long as you don't live that close to them then they won't have a huge influence on your child's life. You will love it no matter what it looks like, and more importantly you will raise it so it doesn't behave anything like its grandad or uncle!

I mostly do get on really well with my inlaws, his mum especially is very sweet always giving me little treats etc, but sometimes it breaks my heart to see how much favoured the younger son is (OH'S brother). There are so many more photos and medals etc on display of him compared to the few of my DH- admittedly DH hasn't got as many degrees etc but he's done pretty darn well for himself and I'd be so upset if my parents had so much more out on display of my siblings than they did of me. Sometimes I've really had to bite my tongue to avoid saying anything as I sit in the midst of the brother's shrine... but it's worth it to avoid the long lasting ill effects of a family row.

belfastgirl23

Any family looks a bit crazy close up and if these are the worst things you can say you're not in a bad situation

But I agree with the others, set firm ground rules when you move - be clear about how often you see the ILs, whether a pop in is welcome etc.

You might find you're more than happy to see them when the baby comes along though

Torry_Quine

I remember the first time my MIL visited us. She ran her finger along the mantlepiece and said 'When did you last dust this'.I told her to ask her son as he was unemployed and did the housework, she was horrified although he was quite happy to do his share while I worked.