How did you feel about the family you married in to? (long-ish)

CH27

Keep your distance & don't b*tch about them to your OH as that will cause friction between you.
Decide on some basic ground rules & stick to them.

Consider double barrelling your surnames to be different from SIL.

Tish_P

Or pick a new surname together that means something to you both. Or see if he's amenable to taking yours - although it's surprising how few of the blokes who are all "it's just a name, why does it matter?" about *your* name are willing to extend the principle to *theirs*.

pelirocco

1echidna wrote: »

Be patient, I've pretty well got used to OHs family but it has taken over forty years.

ETA And her to mine

Very good post , especially pointing out it works both ways


( hell , its took me 20 odd years to get used to the OH :rotfl:)

gratefulforhelp_2

CH27 wrote: »

Decide on some basic ground rules & stick to them.

A lot will ride on how you manage expectations, so communicate your groundrules via OH to his family.

Tish_P wrote: »

Or pick a new surname together that means something to you both. Or see if he's amenable to taking yours - although it's surprising how few of the blokes who are all "it's just a name, why does it matter?" about *your* name are willing to extend the principle to *theirs*.

Funny and true:eek:

red_devil

not actually married but as goodas been together for ages.

Oh has no mum or dad as they died before i knew him.

He has a brother and a sister and we dont speak to them. Its a shame but thats the way it is. We have nothing in common and having them in our lives was very stressful we havent spoken for ages now.

Any

Apart from the transport thing, you are seriously thinking about it too much.
Who cares? They've never really been nasty to you, they are different type of people then you are used to, but you cannot change the way you are just because you want to.
And to be honest, neither can your OH.

Unless they are nasty to you and your OH is refusing to stand by you, you haven't got a problem.
It's not like you have to live with them under one roof?

I don't know that many people that purposely seek company of their MIL/BIL/FIL... and anyone who judges people by the family they got married into??

And I am sorry, but the thing about you loving your baby as much if it resembles the "uncle" I find silly and I am not even motherly type!

You are thinking about it to much to be honest.

lostinrates

I very rarely see my inlaws. Dh has a good relationship with his family and I think that's vital to maintain, thus I keep out of the way. I know he puts me first, he proved that early on and its made it easy for me to magnanimous in difficult situations or when his families needs and mine conflict.

I did take his name, but have friends who BOTH took both surnames on marriage and others who kept their own name on marriage.

Peanuckle

If I'm reading this correctly then you're currently pregnant? (Congratulations!) I'm surprised noone has pointed out that with hormones all over the place during pregnancy it's not surprising that this issue is becoming a major thing for you. I'm not saying you're wrong but things like this tend to feel a lot more important than they actually are.

I've not been the luckiest when it comes to in-laws, my first husband's family tried to ban me from his funeral and reported me for being a bad mother so they could go for custody of my children. Not the most pleasant bunch! I managed throughout the marriage by keeping my head down when I HAD to deal with them, letting the vitriol and spite just wash over me and by having a good old chuckle at the fact that most of the younger members of the family (my husbands nieces and nephews) had either emigrated or moved so far away that they only popped in once in a blue moon.

My second marriage was much better, my father in law was a fantastic man and I was honoured to know him before we lost him at the beginning of this year, his wife sadly passed away before I came along. DH's, sister however, is someone I would quite willingly swing for. She avoided her father for the last 9 months of his life and now blames us for being there whenever she wanted to visit (she lived about 10 minute from him whereas we live 200 miles away but visited as often as we could). She is up to her eyeballs in debt again, she was already bailed out by Father in law twice and even ran up a credit card in her father's name knowing full well that the debt would die with him, she didn't care about the stress he suffered from debt collectors in his final days over it. I could go on....but thankfully, I'm not the only one who can't stand her so we spend very little time in her company. DH doesn't know about the card along with several other things that he would be gutted to know but I see no point in upsetting him, or making him think he let his father down by not stopping her, so I'll keep those details to myself.

Remember, you don't have to live on their doorstep even if the house is close and very soon you'll be too busy caring for your own little family to even care what they're doing. At the end of the day you're marrying your partner and not his baggage

Jacks_xxx

I sympathise completely my lovely. Once you have a child people from your OH's family are much more "in your life" (and in your face!) than they were before. They have an influence over how your child is brought up. Things your child sees the family doing are what your child grows up believing are "normal". Not to mention all the helpful interference because they think they know better than you do, and unsuitable presents, bad language issues, different attitudes to alcohol, "newspapers" left open at page 3, different ideas about what constitutes good nutrition for a small child etc. (Ooh don't get me started! )

I had major misgivings about the way women were treated in my husband's family. My FIL was a bully to put it plainly. I couldn't stand him. MIL wasn't "allowed" to watch Coronation Street or any of "her" programmes on the main tv and had to use the little B&W one.

Both her husband and sons talked to her as if she was an idiot - just because she was female as far as I could tell. She always wears skirts and quite early on she asked me about how often I wore trousers and told me that she'd tried a pair of trousers once in the early 70s but her husband and sons had pointed and laughed so hard she'd binned them immediately and never tried again. When the men heard what we were talking about they roared their heads off all over again.

None of them treated her with any respect. My OH's behaviour towards her was shocking to me, and we nearly split up over it.

I could see that it all stemmed from FIL and no way on gods green earth was I going to take his surname.

So I didn't.

Our children have my surname too.

bagginslover

My boyfriends sister tried to beat me up last time I saw her! She is possibly the most selfish person I have ever met, I refused to bow to her demands (it would have damaged my own mental and emotional health to do so) so she attacked me. If their dad hadn't pulled her off, and literally dragged her, kicking and screaming back to her own house, I don't know how far she would have gone. She is no longer welcome in our house, whether I am in or not, and I no longer visit their father-she'd been told not to come over the day she attacked, and despite OH and his dad promising she won't be allowed over, I can't quite trust that to be the case. OH was initially on my side, but as time has gone by has decided he can't shut out his own sister, and I should forgive her. I will not forgive her, especially without an apology, which I am never likely to get. It's no big loss to me, we were never close.

His mother is a funny one too. The odd remark here and there about me not cutting up his toast, or putting his clean clothes away for him like he's a 5 year old. I just jibe back at her that's he's a big boy now, and if he can't put away his own things, or cope with a bit of toast, perhaps she'd like him back? I think she thinks it's all a big joke, but it gets to me when it's every tiny thing (those were just examples).

His dad is great though, really nice salt of the earth type, he would do anything for us, and we do for him in return. Half the renovation work in our house has been done with his help, the other half with his advice

As for names.... OH and I aren't married (or even engaged) but it's something we've talked about. I don't want to drop my surname, it's part of who I am, and I don't want to change it. He wants me to take his. I'm willing to compromise and double barrel mine, so long as any children are also double barrelled, he won't have that either, nor will he double barrel his own name. It is just a name, but it's MY name .

I also dread my future children getting OH's family nose, it's huge!!