How did you feel about the family you married in to? (long-ish)

marywooyeah

I understand your worries, but disagree that you can't choose your family - if you dont like someone there's nothing to stop you distancing yourself from them.
I just married my OH and don't like his brother's gf and have said I will be civil but wont be inviting them over every week.
I think the transport thing is out of order though - I'd say me and OH are going in the car its up to his brother to sort out his own wedding transport - don't they have a wedding car?

Tish_P

You don't have to take his surname if you don't want to, if that part of it is bugging you. Although I could imagine that would get you swiftly condemned as "thinks she's too good for us".

celyn90

To be fair, when you are married and living away; you probably won't see them all that much. I worried alot about this before we got married; but I haven't actually seen any of them since Febuarary. OHs sister and brother are coming to visit in September; but that's fine as I like both of them. They are quite different to my siblings; they lack the independant streak that I'm used to (his sister still lives at home, doesn't work/go out). My mum always reckoned the best life lesson she could teach us was not to need her; OH's mum is exactly the opposite; I'm guessing she has trouble letting go of her kids because the thought of spending 24/7 with my FiL is a vile prospect. I dislike him immensely; but the language barrier is a welcome buffer here.

You are going to be linked to these people, but you are building your own family unit now and that is the most important thing.

I refused to take my OHs surname when we got married - his family was genuinely shocked by this; but it isn't compulsary to change your name.

cyclingyorkie

marywooyeah wrote: »

I understand your worries, but disagree that you can't choose your family - if you dont like someone there's nothing to stop you distancing yourself from them.
I just married my OH and don't like his brother's gf and have said I will be civil but wont be inviting them over every week.
I think the transport thing is out of order though - I'd say me and OH are going in the car its up to his brother to sort out his own wedding transport - don't they have a wedding car?

The transport thing is out of order - completely!

OH is from a large family but in 26 years together I only met the 'decent' ones. One uncle was invited to the wedding. M-i-L said 'don't worry - he won't come' - and thankfully he didn't cos B-i-L had said he wouldn't come if the Uncle came.

You set your terms - you don't have to have them over every day....

balletshoes

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

And seriously, will I still love my baby if he/she remind me of "Uncle XX" every time I look at him/her?

no, your baby will resemble you, your OH, or a combination of the 2 .

marywooyeah

you'll love your baby even if he came out covered in fur! he's your baby and your his mummy - no one can ever have that bond that you will share, and no one can describe the love that you will feel until you hold him in your arms

happy pushing!!!

gratefulforhelp_2

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

His mum is a real sweetie, but has let "her boys" do pretty much whatever they want. She has always put herself last and whilst I think there is some value in putting up rather than speaking up, I also don't get it...

Read this and before you say your vows be very very sure that your OH will treat you as you wish and not how his mum has been treated.

For myself, whenever we see SIL, which is thankfully not often, she goes on and on and on about whether I have yet made it to become a proper "SURNAME* - we have been married 5 years:eek:

Now I don't have to worry about upsetting MIL (she isn't with us anymore) I will feel able to tell her she's not a real SURNAME either, since she has married into another family.

Really, though, its all nonsense, so long as you both have equivalent expectations, it will be ok.

Blue_Monkey

Thank you all I really thought I was going to get flamed for sounding so horrid about them!

I know that what you all say is right, I'm not marrying them, we don't have to see them that much - I guess just being newly engaged and with their grandchild on the way, it's hitting home that I will forever more be more linked to them. Also, OH and I have been living in Australia for the past 18 months, so whilst I've learnt to deal with them over the 9 years we've been together, I guess its also hitting home that we are going to be 10 minutes around the corner from them!

I can just picture getting back and FIL talking about being proud of another "XXXX" on the way (ie the baby) and I know he'll say things like he sees me as a daughter and will be pleased to welcome me into the family, and I guess I'll just need to smile on the outside whilst cringing on the inside.

So silly I know... I need to get my head around the fact that I'm still me, regardless of my surname or who my in-laws are. I like the comment about making our own little family, I'll need to remember that.

Noctu wrote: »

I've taken solace in the fact that me and OH are blissfully happy, and his family can go have their stupid little quirks/feelings/problems etc, as long as it doesn't become MY problem (which is easier once you distance yourself from them) then that's all that matters!

Hmm... We're due to move back to the UK in a few weeks from Australia where we'll be living 3 miles from them!!

Tish_P wrote: »

You don't have to take his surname if you don't want to, if that part of it is bugging you. Although I could imagine that would get you swiftly condemned as "thinks she's too good for us".

Yes, I think they would think that to be honest. Not so much MIL, and perhaps it would never be said but I imagine BIL and FIL would feel that way.... OH wouldn't mind if I kept my maiden name, but I don't want to have a different name to my children. So I can't win on that one really - and we won't be double-barrelling as neither of us like that and our names don't really go... And I guess I hate the thought of my baby being/feeling more part of their family than mine because it will have their name.

I guess I just needed to rant a bit, it's been bothering me and I can't really fully talk to OH about this... As much as he can sense how I feel and we do talk about our families misgivings, I think it would still hurt him if he thought I felt this strongly about it

Blue_Monkey

marywooyeah wrote: »

you'll love your baby even if he came out covered in fur! he's your baby and your his mummy - no one can ever have that bond that you will share, and no one can describe the love that you will feel until you hold him in your arms

happy pushing!!!

Eek - thanks! I hope so....

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Read this and before you say your vows be very very sure that your OH will treat you as you wish and not how his mum has been treated.

For myself, whenever we see SIL, which is thankfully not often, she goes on and on and on about whether I have yet made it to become a proper "SURNAME* - we have been married 5 years:eek:

Now I don't have to worry about upsetting MIL (she isn't with us anymore) I will feel able to tell her she's not a real SURNAME either, since she has married into another family.

Really, though, its all nonsense, so long as you both have equivalent expectations, it will be ok.

OH and I have had this chat.... My parents are divorced and my mum is a strong, career-driven, woman who believes in equality, and my dad has re-married someone who is meek and mild, and does everything for my dad. In fact MIL and stepmum are quite good friends as they are pretty alike! I'm far more like my mum and I think that whilst stepmum and MIL do find that admirable in me (and my mum) they also find it pretty alien :cool: So anyway, OH and I have discussed that I'm never going to the woman that does everything for him and puts herself last and he appreciates that and says he wouldn't have it any other way - partly because he's seen how his dad does EXACTLY what he wants and doesn't want to do the same. He is a bit too nice and too much of a mummy's boy to see fully that it's not totally one-sided and that MIL has in part, allowed, that situation to be the norm, but I have no doubt in my mind that he does all he can to not be like his dad.

mrs.butler

You are not alone. I have had trouble with my OH's family since we got together. His sisters first words when I stepped in their house was "Who the F@#K are you?!! I have been in tears many times since because of his parents, and it got so awkward that his Dad didnt speak to me on our wedding day.

I have got to the point now where I let it go over my head. My OH and I had so many arguments over them, with me calling them every name under the sun, and all it does is cause friction between us. We were raised very differently, and I dont believe that they are bad people but they are so different to what I am used to. We bought a house two years ago, and they are yet to step foot in it, and only call my OH when they want something, but that suits me fine, as I dont want them in my life.