How did you feel about the family you married in to? (long-ish)

Blue_Monkey

OH and I have been together for 9 years, we're engaged and have our first baby on the way.

I feel pretty bad writing this to be honest (and just to warn, it's a bit of a vent/rant), but I need to see if anyone else has ever felt the same, and if so, how to deal with it.

I love OH dearly, and can't wait to be his wife, but I just can't get my head around marrying in to his family.

OH's brother has never been particularly kind to me (never said anything nasty specially, but generally totally ignored me if I was there), and has always been very jealous of his more "successful" younger brother (ie OH). He has softened a little since being with his wife (last 2-3 years or so) but I can't quite shrug off the way he's treated us in the past. OH is a bit sad they aren't particularly brotherly, but in the main doesn't seem to care that they aren't close and has no desire to improve the relationship. As an example, when he was getting married, about a week before the wedding, his wife-to-be called me and said "Oh, we've forgotten about you in terms of transportation to the wedding. You'll be alright getting there won't you? Oh and by the way we thought your OH could take your car to drive his brother to the venue, so you might have to get a train...".... I've also not heard a peep from the brother or his wife of them to congratulate us on our baby or engagement (though the brother has sent OH messages on FB).

OH's dad is similar to his OH's brother, though has a kind heart and has always been nice to me. OH loves his dad, but I don't think really respects him in a role-model kind of way (in fact says he tries not to be like him!). He's a very self-absorbed man and everything he says or does is for attention. He drinks too much and has a heart problem, yet doesn't do anything about it and it becomes this whole "silly me look what I'm doing" thing which is madness. Its like he thrives off of people nagging him to look after himself!

OH's dad gets this weird competitiveness between my family and his in terms of money. OH's family have never had much and whilst my parents are certainly not loaded, comparatively, I guess perhaps they seem better off (the irony is OH's parents are younger and recently mortgage-free and mine are 7-8 years older and nowhere near being MF!).

OH's dad and brother often make comments about me/my family/the town we live in, being "posh" and put on a snooty accent. I ignore it for the most part, but I've also told OH that it upsets me as it's akin to calling me/my family snobs. Until these comments, I'd never really thought one way or the other about whether either family was richer or poorer, or better or worse, and in fact the whole class thing doesn't sit specially well with me. However for the purposes of this post using the definitions on Wikipedia :cool: is quite apt and would put mine in the middle class category and his as working class....... Either way, I would never make comments about them being "common or downmarket" (or whatever the opposite to "posh" is) as surely it's just rude (even if I did think it bore any relevance)?

His mum is a real sweetie, but has let "her boys" do pretty much whatever they want. She has always put herself last and whilst I think there is some value in putting up rather than speaking up, I also don't get it... She cried once when I went round there because she was so sorry for the way OH's brother treats me, and said she was so ashamed. Yet, nothing has ever been said to him about it! She called me re the wedding transportation and the general tone was the same (ie I'm sorry for their behaviour but I've not said anything to them). She never pushed OH academically and told him he didn't need to go to any exams, then thanks me for pushing/supporting him in his career!

I feel like a right cow writing this out, but I can't shake off the feeling that I'm going to become "one of them" when I marry OH and take his surname. This isn't helped by the fact that OH's brother's wife has the same first name as me - so my married name will be the same as hers! I know I'm not marrying them, but it still bothers me that I'd be linked to them like that, on paper anyway.

And maybe they are right in thinking I'm a snob because I'm dreading our baby looking like the dad or brother (both are short, fat, missing teeth, bald).:eek: As much as I joke, this is a semi-real fear of mine........................

It's not that I don't like them, I do, they are just so different from my own family that it just weirds me out joining their family.....

I'm sure I'm not the first person to feel like this, does anyone have any tips or advice on how to handle it?!

Has anyone else felt this horrible towards their in-laws?

tattycath

The point is you're marrying him-not his family-you can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives. chin up.

Steel_2

You've just got to take a deep breath and remember you are marrying the man, not the family. As long as he knows how bad his family is and will stick up for himself and you, you'll be ok.

It's when someone doesn't stick up for themselves or their OH the problems start, because it can be interpreted as implicitly agreeing with the other side against their OH.

It sounds like this family will walk all over you unless your boundaries are very strong.

1echidna

Be patient, I've pretty well got used to OHs family but it has taken over forty years.

ETA And her to mine

tattycath

His mum is a real sweetie, but has let "her boys" do pretty much whatever they want. She has always put herself last and whilst I think there is some value in putting up rather than speaking up, I also don't get it... She cried once when I went round there because she was so sorry for the way OH's brother treats me, and said she was so ashamed. Yet, nothing has ever been said to him about it! She called me re the wedding transportation and the general tone was the same (ie I'm sorry for their behaviour but I've not said anything to them). She never pushed OH academically and told him he didn't need to go to any exams, then thanks me for pushing/supporting him in his career!

Maybe his mum isn't 'strong' and doesn't feel she can say anything to them. She probably thanks you for pushing/supporting him because she admires your strength. My mum is timid and wouldn't say boo to a goose -wouldn't dream of saying anything 'in case it causes friction,' maybe your future mother-in-law is the same.

Blue_Monkey

Thanks for the quick responses!

OH and his family are not big on confrontations. They prefer to let something slide than to sound off about it (another thing where our families are so different!), but OH was mad about the wedding thing and said that he'd tell them we couldn't make it. I told him that whilst I appreciate the sentiment, in all honesty, all I could see that doing is making them think we (or more likely me!) was just making a fuss and being awkward, so I wouldn't let them have that on us, and told him to go with good grace, but that I would need the car!

I don't think they'll walk all over me/us and it's not so much about boundaries - more that I don't want to be closely "associated" with them (eeek).

And seriously, will I still love my baby if he/she remind me of "Uncle XX" every time I look at him/her?

Nara

Ugg families can be so annoying.

I have the same problem but opposite :P

My OH is an only child so I don't have any one to deal with other then his mum and dad, who are both nice and easy to get on with however I have 3 siblings and my OH finds it very hard to get involved in my family as mostly they do his head in. Tbh 2 of my siblings do my head in also, and if i had the choice i wouldn't really want to see them that often, I don't agree with the way they are living their lives and it winds me and my OH up. (they live off benefits, free brand new house much nicer then the one i could afford to buy!, don't work, pump out child after child i could go on)

I often wondered what happened in the way the 4 of us were bought up and how i ended up so different and with different morals. My OH jokes that maybe i was adopted. !

Anyhoo i would blab on about my situation, but the best advice i can give is to marry him as you love him, and to ignore any comments they may make about you or your family, i find for people trying to hurt/wind you up the best way to get them to stop is not let it bother you and ignore it, then they soon get bored and move on..

Magicboo

Families are carp! I think you'll find that everywhere (except in the very lucky cases) there will be one half of a couple who isn't that fond of the some part of the other halves family. I don't particularly "get" my MiL, DH can't stand my sister. We come to the agreement that if I want to see my sister, I'll do it on my own and if his mother is doing what she does best-whinging then not doing anything about it, I might make some comment on it, but as it doesn't effect me directly, I don't let it get to me. Your future BiL might just not be particularly chatty or think it important to congratulate you on your engagement/baby news (congratulations, BTW!), but as long as their not doing anything directly to be not-nice to you, I'd just let it wash over you and concentrate on you, you OH and your bump.

picnmix

Don't worry about the family, over time you will develop coping strategies of dealing with them, my OH's family are an unusual bunch with some perculiar ways (that is a very polite way of describing them) When we first married they used ot really bother me and upset me, but now after many, many years I have my own ways of dealing with them.

On the baby note, most babies are short, fat, missing teeth, bald:rotfl:

evi3000

I wouldn't take the family name for starters. When I got married (quite recently) I didn't take my husband's name. Firstly because I am me and want to continue being me (if that makes sense). We have children together and they have their fther's surname but I don't (and it makes no difference whatsoever)
Secondly, I do not get on particularly well with his family so I didn't want to use that surname. They've never been rude (well his mother has a couple of times but I actually don't care) but they've never been very welcoming in all the years we've been together (over 12 years now) and I tried for many years but eventually gave up.

Noctu

Blue Monkey, apart from a few minor details I could have written your post myself. My DH (we married only a couple months ago)'s brother and mother have treat both of us like s**t and I resent the fact that now I have the same name as his mother (Mrs XXXXXX).
All I can say is that there's no way you're going to become anything like them just because you're marrying your OH, I certainly haven't and have no intentions of doing so!
I can totally resonate with your OH's family disliking confrontations as my OH's family are exactly the same - my opinion is that whilst you shouldn't go looking for a confrontation, sometimes people need to be told when they're treating you badly...

I've taken solace in the fact that me and OH are blissfully happy, and his family can go have their stupid little quirks/feelings/problems etc, as long as it doesn't become MY problem (which is easier once you distance yourself from them) then that's all that matters!