How did you feel about the family you married in to? (long-ish)

ellay864

Wow guess I got lucky with my first marriage...I come from a very small family and not that close, my XH came from a large scouse family, nearly all still based in the city, very close to each other and I loved being part of it. When we split I was gutted to lose them - his mum is still in contact with me, sends me card and money for me to treat myself every birthday and Christmas and I always send her flowers, we speak on the phone and she's now asking me how my wedding plans are going. I guess it's really cos I'm mother of her grandsons but I love her to bits and now feel worse about her being such a small part of my life, than losing her son!
OH now - I only really see his mum and sister, and his kids. Took a while to get to know his mum but we're fine now - no problems, just we didnt see a lot of each other. His sister is great. I've escaped all the horror stories - had more problems with my own family than either of my men's!

Mrs.W_2

In the run up to mine my partner's marriage, my future FIL made no secret of the fact he thought his son could do better.

Given the fact that he'd ignored his mistress for some time and she'd even taken to phoning our house in an effort to get a message to him, I thought the same about his wife.

Seventeen years and two children later, my marriage is still going strong. He and I still keep a respectful distance.

alwaysskint96

Dont have anything to so with mine. I suppose my SIL is ok, polite the couple of times Ive seen her. My FIL has never spoken a word to me, even when sat in the same rppm he doesnt even reply to hello, Neither of them even acknowledged meat my wedding reception

\And I dont have DHs name either for basically that reason

They live 2 mins drive away and have never visited. Charming people NOT

Chaos_Monkey

Hi OP

I'm another who doesn't particularly like my in-laws! It's not that they are nasty people, it would be easier if they were. But they are controlling/interferring and DH and BIL get treated like 7yr olds even though they're in their early 30's. This treatment has extended to me once in a while.....FIL wanting to keep my passport whilst on hliday with them (never ever again!!), almost having a standup row in B&Q about what colour we were going to paint the rooms in our new house.....the list goes on.

I didn't change my name, mostly because I believe it shouldn't have to, but quite a part of it was that I couldn't bear to be outwardly in 'their' family. I also felt it would just contribute to the in-laws feeling of entitlement over me. Needless to say, they didn't approve. Actually, FIL had a bit of a face on about us getting married too, but hey-ho! It's all good now though - we live on the other side of the world now

CM

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

What if I were to say

'It is never going to work, you had best dump the dead weight now, as your baby is going to be ugly and you are going to turn into a fat, tracksuited chav whilst your husband will turn into his father and brother and encourage your child to be useless as possible. So you had best pack your bags and run off to a nice suburban accounts office where you can marry someone of your own class instead'?


If your reaction to that is :eek: or :mad: , then I think you are going to be fine together, as you love your OH and it will work. If your reaction is more of an 'oh dear, I think I might regret it if I don't', then the relationship is doomed and it is better to get out now.


However, I suspect that the first reaction is far more likely.

j.e.j.

It's possibly just pre-wedding nerves and anxiety about things? Do talk about this with your hubby-to-be if you can.

It's unrealistic to expect to like all of the in-laws (or for the OH's family to like all of your family). There are always going to be some people who you'd rather avoid!

But if the family generally don't really accept you this is going to be more of an issue. OH's family are not just going to 'go away'.. You have to decide if you can truly put up with their 'quirks' for the rest of your life, lol

Birdie85

Honestly, when I got married I didn't decide whether to take my DH's name or keep my own until about 2 weeks afterwards. I ended up taking his name as I wanted the same name as my children (when they join us!) and also, he felt it as a slight against him that I didn't want to take his name, he didn't see it as being joined to his family, but wanted a new family with the two of us, with the same name. I'm still not loving it TBH, but I'll get used to it!

DH's family could be worse, but they could be better! In fact, your original post sounded a lot like my in-laws. FIL has health issues but does nothing about it, in fact he'd love to have something seriously wrong with him because he thrives on the attention. He resents his children because they take too much of their Mum's attention from him. He's been a terribly emotionally absent Dad, OH has said that when we have kids he's going to do the exact opposite of his Dad since he knows what not to do!

MIL acts like butter wouldn't melt... but underneath it all she's manipulative. We got married abroad which meant both families were with us for 2 weeks, she spent the whole time feeling jealous of my relationship with my own Mum and trying to get between us... all the while convincing OH that she was doing nothing wrong. She has 3 sons and makes them fight for her attention, she never sees all 2 at once because they talk to each other instead of her and she hates that. Both MIL and FIL are oddly attached to me, think they wanted a daughter so have latched onto me in a really scary, overly close way, it makes me feel really awkward when they tell me the love me... 'Errr.... thanks?'

I'm worried that when we do have a baby they'll be round all the time, they only live 5 minutes away, and I'm already thinking of excuses as to why they can't drop by every single day to see the baby!

Oh and I'm another one worrying that baby might take after the ugly uncles. I have no idea how my handsome blond husband is related to his ugly, dumpy, ginger brothers and dad! Everyone who's seen our wedding photos has been shocked when we've pointed out who belongs to DH! I'm really hoping that MIL had an affair 28 years ago that she's never admitted to! :rotfl:

zaksmum

My MIL was lovely but severely depressed for most of the time I knew her.

She took a couple of overdoses which she later referred to as her "little trick" and ended up being sectioned. She did improve after treatment though.

I felt so sorry for her.

dontone

To the OP, I could have been writing much of what you have written 10 years ago. I can sympathise with you in regards to you inlaws.
My BIL is a spoilt brat, lives on his own, MIL does all his shopping, washing and ironing. He thinks it's his right to pick on my DH anytime we go visit and he is there, bacuse MIL will defend him if DH talks back. FTR my BIL is 37, he's DH's younger brother and about 13 years ago had a breakdown from which he is fully recovered, but MIL is that scared of him going off the rails again, she allows him the rule the roost and do and say as he pleases.
He doesn't get any change out of me and the last skitty comment he made in my direction got fired straight back at him and i get a heck of a lot more respect from him now. He also backs down from the verbal bullying directed at my DH when I'm around because he know knows I won't tolerate it.
My MIL must have been the inspiration for Hyacinth Bucket. She has never forgiven us for getting hitched in Vegas and she wasn't invited - although we told our immediate families about 12 months in advance what the plan was in regards to our wedding. Her revenge was to not tell any of DH's aunties/uncles etc on her's or FIL side (he was forbidden to even mention it to his brothers and sisters, which caused them to be angry at her)
My FIL is one of the sweetest men I have ever met. He is Richard Bucket. He just goes along with it for a quiet life, and also he is starting to become less mobile. Cue skitty comments from MIL and BIL at times, so I stick up for him too if we visit.
The last time my mum and her met, she completely blanked my mothers greeting and scowled at FIL because he said hello to my mum. (She considers my mum to be beneath her :mad:)
I would say to you OP is just to ride it out and bite your tongue as much as you can. Believe me, my tongue is rather scarred from biting :rotfl:but there will be times when you have to be a bit hardened to it and occassionally throw a comment back. I get a lot more respect from them now, and tbh my DH was starting to resent going to see his folks mainly because of BIL and I have had to encourage him to not let him get to him and leave it to me to, not so much be nasty, but not to let BIL take advantage of DH's sweeter nature.
Please remember that you are your own person, if the inlaws don't love you, then tough, your DH does, he has chosen to be with you. He loves you for what you are.
And you love him for what he is, not because of what his family are.