Nice people thread part 4 - sugar and spice and all things

neverdespairgirl

Hope you all manage to draw some comfort from each other today, Lydia. And from your Dad and brother.

I'm straight, fair, and long.

PasturesNew

LydiaJ wrote: »

Greenland may be fairly big, but there's no way it's nearly as big as South America, which is how it looks on that projection.

Area of Greenland: 2,166,086 km2 836,109 sq mi
Area of South America: 17,840,000 km2 6,890,000 sq mi

Source: Wikipedia

PasturesNew

GDB2222 wrote: »

You've walked through your flat-pack furniture?!

If this weren't the NP thread, I might say: Yes, through the back of the flatpack wardrobe, into Narnia.... where house prices only ever go up

But this is the NP thread, so I won't.

PasturesNew

LydiaJ wrote: »

In general, I am finding that looking after DS & DD is being a useful distraction from my own loss.

I'm sorry for your loss, I know how that feels as I'm just 3 months into mine. The distraction is good as you feel useful and have to plough on for the sake of other people .... I trust that one day you'll have the privacy and freedom to have proper moments of grief.

I'm guessing your remaining old is able to look after themselves so they're just dealing with grief, disbelief and loneliness; that's a blessing. If your old were the one being looked after it'd be a whole new world of change and stuff.



My thoughts are with you in the coming days/weeks, as they were over the weekend.

Davesnave

Glad you're not facing everything alone, Lydia.

As Pastures says, there'll be a time to grieve, but I found there was time to say "Thanks" first.

Davesnave

Straight & dark brown, now with equal amounts of silver grey, but plenty of it, mind. It will be shorter tomorrow, but my hairdresser is having a day off.

LydiaJ

PasturesNew wrote: »

I'm sorry for your loss, I know how that feels as I'm just 3 months into mine. The distraction is good as you feel useful and have to plough on for the sake of other people .... I trust that one day you'll have the privacy and freedom to have proper moments of grief.

I'm guessing your remaining old is able to look after themselves so they're just dealing with grief, disbelief and loneliness; that's a blessing. If your old were the one being looked after it'd be a whole new world of change and stuff.



My thoughts are with you in the coming days/weeks, as they were over the weekend.

Thanks Pastures.

Yes, I do get some private time for my own grief. That's partly why I didn't tell the kids straight away. It gave me Friday on my own to go and visit Mum and deal with my own feelings. I'll be doing the same thing on Wednesday this week when the kids are back at school.

I'm doing OK. I've had a lot longer to prepare for this than you had. Mum was diagnosed (initially just with Parkinson's) 5 or 6 years ago. Then she was taken very seriously ill in the spring of 2009. We thought she was within hours of dying then, but she didn't. Also, losing someone to dementia is a strange kind of loss. The person is still there and you still love them, but you no longer have the relationship with them that you used to have. I know that nobody can ever be fully prepared for the death of a parent, but the circumstances mean I'm better prepared than most.

Yes, my dad is more than capable of looking after himself. He's been 24 hour carer for the last 2.5 years, and done everything for both of them. He'll need comfort and company, of course, and a bit of general "looking after", but not significant amounts of practical help. My brothers will all help with the funerally-type-stuff, and my eldest brother is a probate solicitor, so he'll do all the legal stuff. My main contribution is being the one who lives closest and can visit most often, and I also help out a bit with his computer. I don't suppose that role will change much. I'm also hoping to be the one who has him for Christmas this year, but there'll be time enough to sort that out later.

All his life he's been a busy man with many and varied interests. He gave up everything when she was taken ill in 2009. Once he's got through the initial awfulness of the death, I imagine he'll find interesting and worthwhile things to fill his time with. And he's peaceful about it right now. He knows she's given up, and he accepts that. He doesn't want her to go on suffering like this. He said to me the other day that he'd been wondering if it would have been better for her to die back in 2009, since she's had such a miserable time of it since. Dementia AND Parkinsonism AND a colostomy AND endometrial cancer is a hell of a lot for one person to go through.

So really, although there's pain and grief for myself and my dad and my brothers, my main concern has to be my kids, who have nobody to rely on but me.

silvercar

So really, although there's pain and grief for myself and my dad and my brothers, my main concern has to be my kids, who have nobody to rely on but me.

Hugs to you.

IMHO kids are more resilient to the loss of a grandparent than you would expect. Although it is another loss for them, it is not as bad as losing a parent. Plus kids think that their parents are old and their grandparents are ancient. The kids will also have friends who have lost, or never had, grandparents - so there will be understanding amongst their peers.

LydiaJ

silvercar wrote: »

Hugs to you.

IMHO kids are more resilient to the loss of a grandparent than you would expect. Although it is another loss for them, it is not as bad as losing a parent. Plus kids think that their parents are old and their grandparents are ancient. The kids will also have friends who have lost, or never had, grandparents - so there will be understanding amongst their peers.

Well, yes, but....

Kids usually cope with the loss of a goldfish. For DS, the death of the goldfish was almost unbearable. This is a boy who is being seen by mental health services because his existing bereavement is "stuck" to the extent that he is talking about suicide - not just once but repeatedly. The death of a grandparent on top of that is not at all the same as the death of a grandparent for a kid whose life is otherwise "normal". He may deal with it OK, or he may not. I just don't know yet. I have reached the stage of feeling relieved that I don't think he would be able to commit suicide. The main risk for suicidal youngsters is paracetamol overdose. DS has an unusual reaction to paracetamol in that it makes him vomit - immediately and copiously - so he wouldn't be able to overdose on it.

DD, I think, will get through it OK with the usual sort of help.

lostinrates

Lydia is DS's support able to be hurried through on the basis of having to deal with another family loss?

If there is anything at all I can do practically...(food for the freezer or something) please let me know. Otherwise, like all the NPs...we are here to listen and care.