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Nice people thread part 4 - sugar and spice and all things
Comments
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lostinrates wrote: »lydia,
another thing to consider: a breakthrough for dh (as an adult not a child, so not sure how similar it would be, but his siblings had been trapped in a grief cycle for a LONG time) was when he stopped remembering the date of the death and we started celebrating his mother's birthday instead. That way the memories were all the ones of love and good times, not the grief and end. I know his siblings still mark the anniversay of her death...calling each other, maybe trying to meet up, but I do know dh has benefited from stopping that.
Thanks. That's helpful. At the moment, the death date is a day when his parents want to meet up with us, and my kids are acutely aware of the date and it would be weird not to mark it. But it's an idea for the future. Already they are wanting to do positive things today - DS wants to go out and spend money on stuff to take his mind off things!
We celebrate LNE's birthday too - by meeting up with his parents again, but also by giving each other presents. I've told the kids it's like Christmas - it's not possible to give presents directly to the person whose birthday it is, so we give them to each other instead.Do you know anyone who's bereaved? Point them to https://www.AtaLoss.org which does for bereavement support what MSE does for financial services, providing links to support organisations relevant to the circumstances of the loss & the local area. (Link permitted by forum team)
Tyre performance in the wet deteriorates rapidly below about 3mm tread - change yours when they get dangerous, not just when they are nearly illegal (1.6mm).
Oh, and wear your seatbelt. My kids are only alive because they were wearing theirs when somebody else was driving in wet weather with worn tyres.
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_party_Woohoo! I join the rest of you in having a 5 figure thanks count.Do you know anyone who's bereaved? Point them to https://www.AtaLoss.org which does for bereavement support what MSE does for financial services, providing links to support organisations relevant to the circumstances of the loss & the local area. (Link permitted by forum team)
Tyre performance in the wet deteriorates rapidly below about 3mm tread - change yours when they get dangerous, not just when they are nearly illegal (1.6mm).
Oh, and wear your seatbelt. My kids are only alive because they were wearing theirs when somebody else was driving in wet weather with worn tyres.0 -
I don't think lying, adultery and leaving one's wife should be described as being a good husband, even to keep children thinking their dad was great.
The divorce law was changed many years ago to take away the emphasis on apportioning blame. Prior to that, the law took the view that the one who committed adultery etc was to blame for the break-up of the marriage and the other party was wholly innocent. The law now recognises that it's much, much more complicated than that, and I think that there may be an alternative lesson you could be telling your children. However, I really don't know your personal circumstances, so it would be utterly crass of me if I were to do any more than suggest that you perhaps think about it.No reliance should be placed on the above! Absolutely none, do you hear?0 -
The divorce law was changed many years ago to take away the emphasis on apportioning blame. Prior to that, the law took the view that the one who committed adultery etc was to blame for the break-up of the marriage and the other party was wholly innocent. The law now recognises that it's much, much more complicated than that, and I think that there may be an alternative lesson you could be telling your children. However, I really don't know your personal circumstances, so it would be utterly crass of me if I were to do any more than suggest that you perhaps think about it.
ETA: I know you are trying to be helpful, but really, it's OK, I'm not presenting this to my kids in the unbalanced way that you fear that I am. Here's my initial spur-of-the-moment response to your post, but I suggest we leave this now.
Yes, yes, yes, no marriage break-up is ever all one person's fault. I know that. They know I know that. I got loads of things wrong. I've told them that. I've told them some of the mistakes I made in the hope that maybe they can learn from my mistakes rather than making the same ones themselves.
Nevertheless, when things weren't going well in our marriage, I tried to fix them. I did not cheat, and I did not walk out. I did not pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. I did everything I could to work on my own issues once I had become aware of the problem. The same cannot be said of him. My kids know that.
Just because blame isn't 100% one person, doesn't mean it's exactly 50/50 either.
Oh, and actually divorce law does recognise blame. He divorced me for unreasonable behaviour because I didn't feel I could in good conscience agree to the no-fault divorce that he wanted.Do you know anyone who's bereaved? Point them to https://www.AtaLoss.org which does for bereavement support what MSE does for financial services, providing links to support organisations relevant to the circumstances of the loss & the local area. (Link permitted by forum team)
Tyre performance in the wet deteriorates rapidly below about 3mm tread - change yours when they get dangerous, not just when they are nearly illegal (1.6mm).
Oh, and wear your seatbelt. My kids are only alive because they were wearing theirs when somebody else was driving in wet weather with worn tyres.0 -
We've had hundreds of conversations about this. I always point out his many good points, and remind them (even when DS is very angry with him) that he loved them and did a much better job than most non-resident dads. But they know that it was his choice to leave, not mine. They know exactly what my views about marriage are, and they know I think that he was wrong to leave. I say things about hoping they will grow up to be like the best of both of us: I tell them I hope they'll be good at being on time like him (and not me) and good at staying committed to their spouse like me (and not him).
I don't think lying, adultery and leaving one's wife should be described as being a good husband, even to keep children thinking their dad was great.
It helps that I really don't think he was a bad person. There were loads of good things about him, and lots and lots of strengths, but he had two or three major character flaws that ruined things for him in several areas of his life, including our marriage, but also other things like crashing and burning career-wise twice.
My mum was more into calling my dad a worthless piece of !!!! at every given opportunity, which didn't really help. You're doing the right thing
It's funny though, because my parents divorce and the conversations that followed seem to be along similar patterns as yours, but a lot less healthy. Growing up, if I did something bad I got 'You're just like your father.' But whenever I did something good I got 'You're turning out like your granddad, it's good, he'd be proud.' Don't think that was a very healthy approach either.“I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.” - P.G. Wodehouse0 -
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lostinrates wrote: »anyone any thoughts on the trapdoor kegs?
My only thought on that is that once again I have lost the thread?No reliance should be placed on the above! Absolutely none, do you hear?0 -
lostinrates wrote: »My parents did that while married :rotfl::rotfl:
Anyhoo......
anyone any thoughts on the trapdoor kegs?
Didn't have enough screen resolution to see very clearly on the youtube clip you posted, but think I see what you mean. Unfortunate pockets, as suspected, I think. Meanwhile I wish the manufacturers of little girls' leggings would make them of thicker material. This would mean that they would last a little longer, and also that their underwear wouldn't be visible through the leggings. Must find something for DD to wear - either some alternative bottoms or else some shorts or a skirt to wear over the leggings.My only thought on that is that once again I have lost the thread?
Look back a page or so for youtube clips of Keira Knightley on a Ducati.You've been very restrained, thanks. Better than I deserved.
Just a friendly exchange of opinions. This is the NPT - what else would you expect? Do you know anyone who's bereaved? Point them to https://www.AtaLoss.org which does for bereavement support what MSE does for financial services, providing links to support organisations relevant to the circumstances of the loss & the local area. (Link permitted by forum team)
Tyre performance in the wet deteriorates rapidly below about 3mm tread - change yours when they get dangerous, not just when they are nearly illegal (1.6mm).
Oh, and wear your seatbelt. My kids are only alive because they were wearing theirs when somebody else was driving in wet weather with worn tyres.0 -
Just a friendly exchange of opinions. This is the NPT - what else would you expect?
I'll be honest...I sometimes wonder how we manage it. We all have rather different opinions on things held dear to us. I am staggared at how we don't argue worse and more often. I know nice people who would be less nice than you have been today. I am genuinely honoured to know you, because you are exceptionally nice.0
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