moan about my son and some perspective please...

RazWaz

LondonDiva wrote: »

I'm actually more concerned that a boy in the year before his GCSEs is only doing 30 mins of homework a night.

I only left school 6 years ago, and I never did more than 30 mins per WEEK all the way through school, even my through GCSEs. The only thing that took longer was my Course work and that took maybe 1 or 2 hours per subject, for the whole year. And I got pretty good grades (Some were A*). Not everyone needs to spend a lot of time on it.

rachbc

puddy wrote: »

i would say same as the others on here about ensuring the punishments fit the crime.

did the lap top have to be removed for so long for the transgression of not picking up this stuff

in addition and more importantly, did you say to him before hand, what 'crimes' carry what punishments. ie did he know that he has one more warning to pick up that stuff or he would have his lap top removed for x number of days?

regarding the original issue which you have now sorted, i would say that you didnt specify in your OP that buying sweets and sleeping in clothes were things you had specific rules about. if they are not (and i would echo what others have said on here, you gave him money to do with as he wished, you then cant complain what he spends it on, unless its illegal stuff),,, so if they are not, then you either need to implement the rule or ignore that he spends money on rubbish.

stinkiness as has been mentioned is normal

so the trust issue is very important and this is serious. he needs to understand, and this is done by very clear expectations and communication about what is expected. he had his lap top removed, did he know he couldnt use the main computer. is the main computer in the 'public' areas of the house?

its not good practice to allow teens to have lap tops and computers in their rooms, really they should be in public areas so that you can keep a distant eye on whats going on, but obviously all families are different and make different decisions.

regarding the black paint, was this an accident? its not clear from what you say whether he painted his furniture.

why dont you sit down with im when he gets back and get him to devise some rules that you can both negotiate together,,some can be compromises and some will be non negotiable. get him to devise sanctions and rewards for behaviours that the family agree on for him to adhere to.

Re the desk top - its in oh study where DS knows he's not to go as there is lots of other valuable/ fragile stuff in there. OH has set DS laptop up so he can view his screen from his laptop so we do keep an eye, and DS knows this - tbh it all very innocent stuff - scooter and trainer shops mainly, no social networking or anything.

Some of rules have never been explicitly stated no - the sweets thing we had an issue with ages ago when he first started going out alone but thought that had been resolved, but stuff like clearing up your own mess and doing what you are asked no I guess I just figured I didn't need to...they are things that 6 months ago he was capable of doing so I didn't realise I needed to! The washing is a rule yes - don't bring it down- no clean clothes - so now he has 1 pair of shorts and 1 pair of naff old trackies for a 2 week hol - his look out!

The paint was an accident - but one that would have been avoided had he put some paper on his desk like he has been told to do or one that could have been cleared up if he'd told me what had happened.

puddy

ok, so it sounds like some of the things that have have happened recently are 'irritants' rather than actual rule breaking per se. you have be careful not to contradict yourself with the rules. although you have some time ago talked to him about buying sweets etc, it sounds as if the pocket money has no conditions attached to it (as it shouldnt really), so its unrealistic and possibly unfair that you now expect him not to buy sweets with it.

50 or so years ago, most 13 year old boys would be 'wasting' their pocket money or chore money on bags of bullseyes and rubbishy comics. nothing changes!

with regard to thinking that something has been solved and therefore its 'no further action', teens (especially boys) havent the maturity to sustain behaviour at other times of development and transission. they often regress, forget, get into old habits, get distracted,, its part of development. it just means as tiresome as it is, a gentle nudge to get him back on track is needed.

some things that you have specific explicit rules about, like the washing only affect him, so you're quite right, if he is left with his manky clothes for the week, too bad.

other things like disobeying rules or ensuring that he respects the private and public areas of the house by keeping them clean clearly affect others, so if he slips in this area, get him to keep on top of this by drawing his attention to it and drawing up some sort of rota. there will be agreed sanctions and rewards built into that. yes, things need repetion and reinforcement long after you think they are 'fixed'!

most important is the need to be explicit, especially with boys (stereotyping here) their concentration isnt as sharp yet, they're easily distracted and more self centred at this age. you wouldnt expect your employer to just assume you know whats needed or suddenly get angry at you when you forgot to do something, you would know what the sanctions are for example turning up late, missing a deadline etc etc. i know its not the same because by adulthood (hopefully) we have some initiative, undestanding of our actions on others and empathy with that, but he wont have that yet.

with the paint, i suspect that like many kids he is clumsy and doesnt think consequences through yet. i cant tell you the things my OH does and he is a father of 3 adult children and on the wrong side of 50. he recently glued his fingers to a table using superglue....

so, a calm sitting down to discuss rotas, sanctions and rewards, clear expectations and specific rules. i would say to pick the battles of the trust (computer) and the paint (damage to your property) if you are going to change for example the rule about pocket money, you need to justify this really i think as worrying about his health or saying that £5 or so can be spent on junk but you want the rest to be used responsibly, although personally i think you're on dodgy ground if the pocket money is 'his'. if its your own money that you give him for specific things, then thats ok, but really if you give him his 'own' money then unless he's buying drugs its difficult to enforce. is he overweight? are there other reasons why the sweets really need to be knocked on the head?

pelirocco

rachbc wrote: »

He's not back from his dads til a week today so I may have changed my mind by about his room but I am most definately not letting the lying (about the computer) o unchallenges - if I have to pick my battle then thats the one I'm picking!

Teenagers 'lie' because it takes less effort !

He's 13 , not an adult so cant see how an adult conversation is going to work

I think you are just looking for a fight tbh

rachbc

pelirocco wrote: »

Teenagers 'lie' because it takes less effort !

He's 13 , not an adult so cant see how an adult conversation is going to work

I think you are just looking for a fight tbh

I want him to learn that lying is not the easy option - cos then you are in trouble for the thing you did and double for the lying!

I suspect you are right about the adult conversation not working - but I don't want to baby him either, or shout - whats the alternative?

I'm not looking for a fight at all - not sure why you said that...

puddy

just reading back to your OP,,, you said that you have 'simple rules' and outside of that he has a fair amount of freedom

i think the problem here is that is not freedom that he actually has, its ambiguity. the reality is, that unless you're not bothered about how he keeps his room/amount of sweets he eats/times for tidying etc (and you have shown you do care about those things, quite rightly), then you should have better communication in place to be explicit about expectations.