moan about my son and some perspective please...

3v3

PHew, thank goodness you found receipts!

I wouldn't stop his pocket money; he has to learn to budget his money his way. Just don't subsidise him when he realises he doesn't have any savings to draw on for something he really wants.

Sleeping in clothes/not showering ... that too will pass

To take back the "reward" of moving to his own space, well, I'm not sure that will solve your problem and may even make it worse.

The absolute, soul-destroying/motivating (perfect! ) "restriction" I could meter out to my teens sons was to take way laptop/Xbox priviledges (reminding them at the same time they are "priviledges" and not their "right"). But, that has to be done after a "warning" e.g. no heat-of-the-moment stuff.

I used the term "was" in my previous paragraph; truth is, I still use it (two ds's: 17 and 16yo). It still works. I don't use it for what they choose to spend their budget on; I don't use it if they haven't showered; I "will" use it for beligerant/disrespectful behaviour. Or, if they neglect their "responsibilities" (chores ).

Don't beat yourself up about any "lax" parenting; at 13yo they *need* a certain amount of space/privacy - this is the time when you draw on the standards you have instilled in the previous years (and hope, despite relapses, that it is ingrained enough to resurface at appropriate times ).

I agree you shouldn't phone him at Dad's. By all means talk to his Dad about it and see if he has experienced similar (plus, he was once a 13yo boy himself, so has that to draw on) but not in sight/hearing/knowledge of your son.

Teen parenting is the time you fondly remember pacing the floor with a teething baby and wondered why your thought *that* was hard

mountainofdebt

with regards dirty clothes, I have a rule that if it isn't in the washing basket, then it doesn't get washed.

That has meant I've stepped over dirty clothes to get to the basket.

when Junior has run out of clean clothes he soon gets the message.

January20

rachbc wrote: »

Thanks for all the responses - I'm trying not to nag and have a go - in fact I worry my lack of naging/ follwing up on stuff has been part of the problem and guess I just expect a bit much off him! He doesn't smell tbh - he just looks grubby - his hands are always filthy from fixing scooters and then he wipes his sweaty face and ends up with a mucky face - I point this out and tell him to wash - he disappears upstairs and comes down an hour later still mucky having been distracted!! Yet spends ages doing his hair and choosing his clothes so he does care about is apperance!!

He gets £30 paid monthly into his account - this gets spent on phone credit and hobbies or saved - or did til recently. He does have sweets - if I buy a pack with dd on the way from pre school we get soem for him obviously- but a standard size bag of something maybe 2/3 times a week, or OH will buy a big bag that we'll share watching a dvd or programme together.

OH and I are deciding between bringing him back to the first floor (small box room) or stopping the pocket money. His move to the attic was when he started high school as an acknowledgement that he was getting older, needed some space from his 4yo sister and could be trusted a bit more about sorting himself out.

He does eat well at home - shreddies or porridge, milk and juice for breakfast, a home cooked meal in the evenings. He takes a sarnie and piece of fruit for lunch - have tried to get him to take more but he wants to spent time playing not eating. I know he needs lots of food which is why a I keep lot of snackable stuff in but its never what he fancies - ie not eclairs or haribo!

I know I'm just stewing on this as he's not here to talk to about but at least it gives me time to work out the best way to tackle it. He's been an absolutle breeze til now and is doing great at school so I know i shouldn't sweat the small stuff but I guess partly I'm feeling guilty for not being a little more on top of things!

Be careful not to try and crack a nut with a sledgehammer! From your OP I thought all he did wrong was eat too many sweets, was not keen on going to bed at 9pm and didn't shower enough. What will you do if he ever does anything worse? He is 13. Communication might be much better than hard discipline. I'm not saying that as a theory. I've used it with my dd because my parents always treated me like a kid (going to bed at 8:30 with my younger siblings at the age of 15 for instance). Talking has always worked better for us, especially in the car, driving along to places for some reason!

Oldernotwiser

January20 wrote: »

Be careful not to try and crack a nut with a sledgehammer! From your OP I thought all he did wrong was eat too many sweets, was not keen on going to bed at 9pm and didn't shower enough. What will you do if he ever does anything worse? He is 13. Communication might be much better than hard discipline.

I disagree. A firm hand at this age may well avoid worse problems later on.

Sambucus_Nigra

I'd link what you want him to actually do with his pocket money. You need to structure it so that if he fails one thing, money gets removed and if he reaches a certain point, he gets moved from the attic room.

Draw up the list of rewards for chores together [almost like basic pay plus commission] say £3 a week basic, plus 50p a week for each chore or task. A bonus for a complete room tidy once a month. No tasks or chores in any week mean removal of the room and a move downstairs.

PolishBigSpender

Threebabes wrote: »

My son is 16 in November. On a morning before school I always ask has he brushed his teeth, got his packed lunch or money, got deodorant on. If i go upstaires around his bedtime I check that his tv is switched off.

:O You're joking, right?

Savvy_Sue

PolishBigSpender wrote: »

:O You're joking, right?

Why would you think that? Some teenagers ARE so disorganised that they'd forget their own head if it wasn't screwed on. And while you might think that they need to learn, some of them are going to struggle with this kind of thing all their lives, and NOT because of poor parenting.

Once mine were in 6th form I stopped 'reminding' them in the morning, unless there was something I knew they were supposed to be handing in, but I still checked their bags / pockets for letters they'd failed to pass on to me. Not every day, just once in a while.

I was still going in to DS3 and getting him to 'breathe' on me last thing to check he'd done his teeth though ...

chewynut

rachbc wrote: »

OH and I are deciding between bringing him back to the first floor (small box room) or stopping the pocket money. His move to the attic was when he started high school as an acknowledgement that he was getting older, needed some space from his 4yo sister and could be trusted a bit more about sorting himself out.

Blimey, what are you going to do when he's older and maybe does start playing up; make him sleep in a cupboard under the stairs?

Putting him back in a small room for being a scruff seems to be making Mt. Etna out of a molehill to me. I can't see that doing anything other than making him resent you and then properly beginning to play up.

January20

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I disagree. A firm hand at this age may well avoid worse problems later on.

Too firm a hand only teaches them to lie better.

3v3

chewynut wrote: »

Blimey, what are you going to do when he's older and maybe does start playing up; make him sleep in a cupboard under the stairs?

One name: H.a.r.r.y. P.o.t.t.e.r :whistle: