moan about my son and some perspective please...

CH27

rachbc wrote: »

well I thought the original issue had been sorted - we had a good chat (no shouting) about why he wanted to buy so many sweets, why I didn't like him to. He loves cooking so we agreed that he could choose a recipe and cook it each week to keep the treats tin stocked up and have a couple of small bags of sweets. Had a talk about how he needed to prove he could be responsibly/ trustworthy and he would get his pocket money back next month. Next day I asked him t pick up some stuff 3 times, went up to check he was doing it - lying on his bed on his laptop oblvious - took his laptop off him and told him to pick up his !!!!!! - he gpt ars - laptop removed for rest of week. Fri Oh realises his mouse is on wrong side (he is left handed) so checked history - ds has been using his computer all week. Remind DS of previous convo about trust/ responsibilty - told us he had used it once to do homework - point out history and ask how he feels he is doing to build trust - he cries and says how sorry he is!!

As he is going off to his dads for a few days I ask him to strip bed and bring down laundry as we are going on hol day afer he gets back - remind him 3 times - he leaves without doing it. Reluctantly I go up to get it to find his desk, shelf unit, carpet and TV covered in black oil paint from a canvas he was doing on fri after noon (I knew he was doing this and was pleased he was using the no laptop time creatively).

I hit roof - lucky for him he's not here. Plug cut of telly, essential clothes and bedding moved to spare box room!!

I think you are over reacting to things that are normal teenage behaviour.

You seem to be flipping at everything but you need to pick your battles.

rachbc

I wouldn't normal flip out but this was literally the day after we'd had a sensible grown up conversation about 'stuff' and he'd really seemed to be mature and responsive. Previously I wouldn't have gone to check I would have trusted him to do it and I'm sure he would have done it eventually - however my side of the conversation was that I felt I had to be more vigilant due to a few things at the moment and he said he understood that...

I'm finding it hard to find a middle ground - but it constantly feels like our trust is being abused - we don't have passwords on our computers as we trusted him not to use our stuff but now thats going to have to change.

mazinmouse

Suspect you have now esacalated things and will come back from your holiday and step straight back into aggravated 'situation' possibly undoing some, if not all, of the benefit of your holiday. It is not just a case of 'pick your battles' but time them well!

Also your son is not yet a sensible grownup so all that sensible stuff is always going to be a rather one-sided affair until he is. however, good luck with everything - you obviously are living with it so know all the nuances which we are not a party to.

rachbc

He's not back from his dads til a week today so I may have changed my mind by about his room but I am most definately not letting the lying (about the computer) o unchallenges - if I have to pick my battle then thats the one I'm picking!

CH27

rachbc wrote: »

I wouldn't normal flip out but this was literally the day after we'd had a sensible grown up conversation about 'stuff' and he'd really seemed to be mature and responsive. Previously I wouldn't have gone to check I would have trusted him to do it and I'm sure he would have done it eventually - however my side of the conversation was that I felt I had to be more vigilant due to a few things at the moment and he said he understood that...

I'm finding it hard to find a middle ground - but it constantly feels like our trust is being abused - we don't have passwords on our computers as we trusted him not to use our stuff but now thats going to have to change.

Teenagers have short attention spans unless something really interests them.
If I had a pound for every conversation i've had with my 16yr old son about doing things i'd be rich.

Pick your battles carefully or you will end up in a state of constant aggrevation & life is too short for that.
It's just a phase like potty traing or teething. It will pass.

pigpen

I took my daughter 2 HOURS to put on socks and shoes on Thursday.. shs is 14 on Tuesday.. we were going to buy food for HER friends to come have a sleepover tonight and bake her a birthday cake.

She was told once.. ready or we go without you...OH was in the car, engine running when she darted out of the house.. shoes in hand!!!!!

She lost her lappy for a month because she had constant detentions for not doing homework.. but she had time for cartoons and phonecalls and facebook... she hasn't had one since

I think finding a punishment that is a deterrent is necessary before it can be effective. It is no good nagging him and removing stuff if he doesn't care. Punishment in the form of housework is preferred in here.. mopping, vacuuming, sweeping, etc...

3v3

Mupette wrote: »

....condoms talk...

Crikey! You learn something new every day

YORKSHIRELASS

I think there has to be a process by which you sort of let go and realise you cant control everything your kids do. Its really hard as a parent but you have got to concentrate on the stuff that really matters or you just end up nagging them constantly.

My son was going out the other day in the pouring rain with canvas pumps on and I was saying to him "but your feet are going to be wet" and he just shrugged and said it will be OK. I wanted to march him back inside like a 7 year old and make him change his shoes - but he's 12. If he wants to get wet feet he is not going to die or anything and maybe it will make him realise I am right sometimes.

He is quite tidy but has this disgusting habit of sleeping in his boxers and a t-shirt - then getting up and putting a pair of shorts and sweatshirt over the top! He knows I dont like this but unless he actually smells or looks dirty I am not going to get my knickers in a twist over it. I sometimes find the best way is to make jokes about it and tease him a bit.

Things like homework do matter to me - and I would put my foot down about this but I try and let some of the other stuff wash over me if I can.

Mupette

3v3 wrote: »

Crikey! You learn something new every day

sorry bit stressed last few days, not to mention MS brain fog. DS just had his appendix out, and i'm traveling to and fro hospital a few times a day, thankfully got him home this afternoon

puddy

i would say same as the others on here about ensuring the punishments fit the crime.

did the lap top have to be removed for so long for the transgression of not picking up this stuff

in addition and more importantly, did you say to him before hand, what 'crimes' carry what punishments. ie did he know that he has one more warning to pick up that stuff or he would have his lap top removed for x number of days?

regarding the original issue which you have now sorted, i would say that you didnt specify in your OP that buying sweets and sleeping in clothes were things you had specific rules about. if they are not (and i would echo what others have said on here, you gave him money to do with as he wished, you then cant complain what he spends it on, unless its illegal stuff),,, so if they are not, then you either need to implement the rule or ignore that he spends money on rubbish.

stinkiness as has been mentioned is normal

so the trust issue is very important and this is serious. he needs to understand, and this is done by very clear expectations and communication about what is expected. he had his lap top removed, did he know he couldnt use the main computer. is the main computer in the 'public' areas of the house?

its not good practice to allow teens to have lap tops and computers in their rooms, really they should be in public areas so that you can keep a distant eye on whats going on, but obviously all families are different and make different decisions.

regarding the black paint, was this an accident? its not clear from what you say whether he painted his furniture.

why dont you sit down with im when he gets back and get him to devise some rules that you can both negotiate together,,some can be compromises and some will be non negotiable. get him to devise sanctions and rewards for behaviours that the family agree on for him to adhere to.