would you want to know if your bridesmaid didnt think you should be getting married?

Mojisola

bridesmaid wrote: »

(he has 3 kids from 3 women he doesn't support, he's been married twice before, he's taken my friends savings to pay off his debts, he has admitted he thinks cheating is perfectly normal etc etc)

I haven't visited their place very often, the last time I did was a couple of years ago and he came home drunk and started having a go at me totally out of order.

bridesmaid wrote: »

(she's discouraged from going out on her own, only really socialises with his sport friends and their girlfriends/wives).

I want to be a good friend to her, but I can't decide if the better friend would 'put up and shut up', support her with the wedding and be around to pick up the pieces later. Or if the better friend would try stop her making the mistake in the first place.

I have a strong suspicion he is on dating sites, which I am considering getting evidence of, but again I don't know if thats really my place or not.

Gosh, he's a real catch, isn't he? They've obviously been together for a while - what does she see in him?

In your situation, I couldn't be a bridesmaid. I would feel a total hypocrite helping her get herself into a marriage that I was sure would be bad for her.

bridesmaid

whitewing wrote: »

My close friend told me that she'd really disliked my boyfriend only after we split up, as she had felt he was too cold for me. I wish she'd told me before - again, just as a one-off conversation, not a constant dripping of disapproval - I had a child by him by the time we did split up.

I love my DS, of course.

Would it have made a difference?

I've had similar situations myself... couple of friends told me they didnt like my ex after we split up. I was a bit hurt by that... i felt like we'd all been living a bit of a lie, and that they should have been able to talk to me about it.

MrsWoolfe

I had a situation a little like this when I was getting married, but she got on really well with DH and they always had a joke and a laugh together and she accepted then backed out close to the day with no explanation. I was really hurt by it together with her behaviour when I got sick was the final nail in the coffin and I no longer have much to do with her....

For me I think if she had at least been honest with me we might have salvaged some of the friendship but there is no way back for us now.

In your situation I think be honest (gently mind!) and say that you are pleased to be asked but you're not sure you'd be the best person for the job given the issues you've had with him in the past- that should open up the discussion and you can let her know how you feel about it- BUT I would make a point of letting her know that you love HER and are willing to be there to support HER if she would still like you to knowing your reservations. She must be aware of them to some degree at least, but must still think enough of you and the years of friendship to want you there with her.

HTH
MrsWoolfe

bridesmaid

Mojisola wrote: »

Gosh, he's a real catch, isn't he? They've obviously been together for a while - what does she see in him?

In your situation, I couldn't be a bridesmaid. I would feel a total hypocrite helping her get herself into a marriage that I was sure would be bad for her.

I know, thats what's so difficult. I'm usually quite decisive, but this one has me stumped.

What does she see in him? Well, she seems to think she's never been treated better. She was always a daddys girl until stepmum came on the scene and so I think fiance being 20 years older than her has something to do with that. They've also bought a big house together which she's been able to decorate... basically I think he has given her the stability that she's been craving and she puts up with the rest of the bad stuff in return. She HATED being single and I know would detest the idea of going back to it.

tesuhoha

I think you should be bridesmaid. Its her you are supporting not him. In this way you will keep her friendship which it sounds she will sorely need in the future.

Its an honour to be asked to do this and if she had moved away and you didn't know the groom then you would probably agree to it. I suppose I just think the friendship is worth more than principles and well, I'm just thinking, the poor girl asking her only friends. I think its quite sad. I think you should do it for her.

KiKi

I think you should decline - and when she asks why, kindly tell her the reasons: you love her, and want the best for her, but you don't believe that he's doing right by her, so you can't be the supportive and excited person she will need you to be in the run up to the wedding.

KiKi

POPPYOSCAR

bridesmaid wrote: »

She hasn't got anyone else to ask though, so she would be one down. And her parents have already made is plain they don't support her, so she's really relying on me (and our other 2 friends) to be excited and support her.

But it all boils down to you thinking she should not be getting married in the first place so to go ahead and be all excited for her etc. would be deceitful on your part.I think it is best to be honest and tell her you think she is making a mistake, and it is her mistake to make but that you do not feel comfortable being a bridesmaid.

What will you be like on the day if you go ahead and how would you feel about yourself?

whitewing

bridesmaid wrote: »

Would it have made a difference?

I've had similar situations myself... couple of friends told me they didnt like my ex after we split up. I was a bit hurt by that... i felt like we'd all been living a bit of a lie, and that they should have been able to talk to me about it.

It may or may not have meant that I'd've been around long enough to get pregnant.

But if I had stayed as long as I did, and still got (accidentally) pregnant, I would have still kept the baby. I think the major difference is that I would have made a life for me and the baby without him from the start and saved a worsening of the situation.

Little_Leita

If I were in your position (and I have been). I'd do it - her choice of partner is her decision. I'd just grin and bear it and do everything I could to make her wedding day happy.

....and when it all goes t!ts up, as it invariably will, she'll know that she can count on you.

My friends marriage lasted about a year. Guess who she turned to for support? I'm glad to say she's now very happily married to her second husband who treats her like a queen.

Remember...smile, and if you cant smile a grimace will do!!

supermezzo

TBH, if she knows that lots of people don't support the marriage, then she probably feels compelled to marry him now, as she probably believes that he's the only one who cares about her. I guess she feels a bit abandoned and alone right now, save him, and somewhat backed into a corner. He may well be worth nothing in your eyes (or her family's) but if thats all she thinks shes got, shes gonna cling on for dear life.
Might be worth having a quiet chat with her well away from him and explaining the reasons why people are so against it - it is precisely because they care about her. I think if you really want to help, then you have to give her the tools to help herself and make her own decision about the wedding, not a decision she feels she has to because no-one else wants her.
I'd decline the bridesmaid invitation but ask that she still invites you to the wedding as a guest because you do want to support her, but that you would feel a bad freind if you were to accept such a big role in the day without feeling able to fulfil the role adequately.