would you want to know if your bridesmaid didnt think you should be getting married?

Ms_Chocaholic

I've not read the whole thread but just wanted to add, a friend of mine commented to my mum before I married my OH that he wasn't the one for me, although we've had our ups and downs like any couple, he is the one for me and we are very happy. On the other hand, since then she's had at least three/four marriages/long-term relationships so who is she to talk.

Her comments to my mum have really soured our relationship, well from my side anyway - I'm not sure she knows that I know what she said.

faithcecilia

A friend of mine married a man who I didn't believe was right for her about 4yrs ago. I agonised over what to do and in the end decided I needed to tell her how I felt and ask if she was really sure about it. I did this about 6weeks before the wedding, calmly and gently (well, I was honest but no ranting and raving, shouting, nastiness etc). When she assured me she was I put my feelings to one side and supported her, sharing her excitement as I would any friend. Sadly in this case my gut feelings turned out to be right and the marriage only lasted weeks, so I then made sure I listened to her when she needed to talk and that I never, ever, not even once said 'I told you so'. I am just so sorry that I wasn't wrong.

meritaten

I think you need to talk frankly to your friend. ask her why she is marrying him! tell her that in your opinion she is making the biggest mistake of her life - and if after all that she still wants you to be her bridesmaid - then do it. the bridesmaids role is to help and support the bride. not just to look pretty in the photos. doesnt matter what you think of the groom! if the bride is going ahead with it then its NOT down to you - you are playing the supporting role.

Sweet_Pea_2

If it was me I would ask myself if this friend was really important to me and I wanted to keep her.Iif the answer was yes then I would not say anything about disapproving etc I would just say yes I will be your bridesmaid thanks for asking and be there to support her. If her family dont approve and this made no difference then I would imagine no-ones opinion will make a difference. The only thing that will happen is that you will fall out and she will marry him anyway. Just be there to support her if it all goes wrong, and if you are a good friend keep your fingers crossed it doesn't.

From what you have said she is aware you don't like her OH (with reason) so pesonally I would be unable to hide the fact I dont like him, and wouldn't try to.

If my bridesmaid had told me prior to the wedding that I was making a mistake I would not have listened or wanted to know tbh.

System

I'm in two minds about it to be honest. In the past friends have interfered in my relationships and its put more of a strain on the friendship. That said in my case they didn't come to me with the issues they directly challenged my ex which caused a whole heap of problems.

On one hand i think you should be there for her, and be there to pick up the pieces. On the other hand how hurt will she be if she marries him and it goes wrong and she realises you could have said something that prevented all the hurt in the long-term?

kitschkitty

If someone is going to be a bridesmaid or take any important role in a wedding they are there to stand up for both of the couple and support them in getting married.

If you have reservations about the marriage or one member of the couple then you can't fulfil this and I really feel it's wrong to go against your own morals and beliefs to support a friend in doing something you feel is wrong. It's also sending very mixed messages to your friend and her partner, as well as other people at the wedding.

I'm not saying that your opinions/view of the situation are right or wrong, but you must be true to yourself and how you feel about the situation.

It's also up to you how you approach your friend and how you decline her offer (if you do).

If it were me I would have to be honest, let her know I am her friend, there for her and want her to be happy, but that I can't support her in getting married as I don't believe it is the right thing to be doing. I'd try not to focus on how awful her partner is, but on the fact that you feel her relationship isn't as strong and loving as you think she deserves (and as it should be) for a happy and successful marriage.

Let her know that you will respect whatever decisions she makes for herself but that you may not always agree with them.

sashadesade

This is a tough one. I think if I was in this situation, my head would be saying no, don't do it! How can you stand there smiling and pretending to be happy while she marries a man that you know is no good for her? Problem is, my heart says she's your friend and she needs you now more than ever. If you refuse to be her bridesmaid then it's like shutting a door on her and she'll probably feel that the only person she can rely on now is this man.
I think bargainbetty's way of handling this situation is the best. Talk though your concerns with her; try not to sound judgemental or condemning, just tell her honestly what bothers you about him. Then if she still insists on going through with it - which I've no doubt she will - agree to be her bridesmaid. That way you'll have voiced your concerns and your conscience will be clear, and she'll know that while you don't support her decision to marry this man, you're still there for her regardless.

pigpen

My ex-sil asked me to be bridesmaid for her .. I said "I hate him (the groom) and you know I do.. I think you could do so much better but if you are insisting on marrying him then that is your decision. If you still want me to be bridesmaid I will.. but not because I approve of the marriage but because I love you."

She still wanted me...

So long as she knows you were her friend before and will be her friend after when he has taken her money and her happiness you will always be there for her.. not for him because he is a tool..

that worked for me with another friend.. their marriage lasted 13 weeks!

ikati5

You can't decide who she does or does not marry, and you should not do anything that might spoil the excitement she feels being a future bride, this is her moment.

I personally would not want a bridesmaid who did not like my husband to be or was not being totally honest with me, so no, you should not be bridesmaid, and I would not consider anyone who pointed out his faults to me to be my friend.

Even if you did point out that he is a less than favourable choice and it does come crashing in on her, she is unlikely to admit it to you and have egg on her face so honesty in this case is not a good idea.

Politely decline, send her your best wishes for a long and happy marriage, as any true friend would and move on.

savingmummy

I wouldnt accept the offer if i didnt like the groom!

What a position to put you in!