would you want to know if your bridesmaid didnt think you should be getting married?

Dinah93

Personally I would say don't do it. I would be gutted to think firstly that my friends couldn't be honest with me, and secondly that I had a fraud up there 'celebrating' with me - I would only want bridesmaids who were there for the union - as thats what you're celebrating, you can't seperate it into her and him on that day. I would just explain that she's aware you haven't had good experiences with him, and you don't feel it would be morally right to stand up there when you think she could do so much better. But emphasise that you love her, and it's not a reflection on her simply that you don't feel its the right thing to do. At the end of the day your friendship is important, but the most important thing is to live your life true to yourself and your morals and beliefs (tactfully!).

floss2

As devils advocate, maybe she is in full command of all the facts and wants to get married for the stability and security it will give her.....she may be well aware of his behaviour but turning a blind eye.

Any

She already knows you don't like him, you will not be deceitfull.
She has chosen to marry him despite that, nothing you say is going to change that (and if anyone here is telling me they would have not got on with a man coz a friend's say so, give me a a break).

You are not here to judge her decision over your disaproval, you are not her mother you are her friend and you are supposed to be there for her, not for him.

If you decline, I doubt she will ever come back to you again.

andrealm

floss2 wrote: »

As devils advocate, maybe she is in full command of all the facts and wants to get married for the stability and security it will give her.....she may be well aware of his behaviour but turning a blind eye.

It doesn't sound as if she will be getting much stability from being married to this man, from what the OP says. If she is determined to go ahead with the wedding, it's unlikely that anyone can change her mind. I don't know if I would want to be a bridesmaid in these circs, although as she already knows that the OP doesn't like the groom, I don't think it would be hypocritical of her to be a bridesmaid.

bargainbetty

My friend got married to a man I believed to be a cocaine addict. He denied it, she believed him. She had asked three of her friends, including me, to be bridesmaids. The other two walked away after huge fights, and have barely spoken to her in years. I sat her down, told her outright why I had concerns about him (including my belief that he had stolen money from me) and she listened to all of it. She told me that she knew he had had a problem in the past, but that he was clean now, and wanted to make a go of things with her. She told me that if I couldn't support her, she would understand, but would like me to be there for her.

I stood as her bridesmaid, because it is her choice. I told her my concerns, and she listened. She made her choice, and it was my choice to support her as a friend. I also supported her when he relapsed, took coke, stole all her money, cost her custody of her son and she ended up first in hospital and then in the divorce courts.

Let her know her concerns. If she is a good friend then she will understand you are saying it because you care. If she makes a decision based on the facts available, then it is her choice. He might turn out to be a decent bloke. He might not. It's not your choice who she marries.

ska_lover

she probabaly already realises you do not approve of him op - after his treatment of you. i wouldnt be able to go without saying something, and therefore ruining their day, so i would gratiously turn down the offer

BugglyB

bargainbetty wrote: »

I stood as her bridesmaid, because it is her choice. I told her my concerns, and she listened. She made her choice, and it was my choice to support her as a friend. I also supported her when he relapsed, took coke, stole all her money, cost her custody of her son and she ended up first in hospital and then in the divorce courts.

Let her know her concerns. If she is a good friend then she will understand you are saying it because you care. If she makes a decision based on the facts available, then it is her choice. He might turn out to be a decent bloke. He might not. It's not your choice who she marries.

Well said :T

NAR

OP go visit this weekend, sleep with him and get caught together. Tell your friend you only did it to save her from a worse fate - I'm sure she will understand! :A

thorsoak

My advice - how can you help her celebrate her wedding when you feel as strongly as you do, that this wedding is not to be celebrated? You can't!

Make an excuse as to why you cannot be there nor be her bridesmaid - you are going on holiday (book it now!) you have promised to be a bridesmaid to someone else on that day (quick - find someone!) - or something that will let hr down as gently as possible.

Tell her that you'll be thinking of her, that you'll always be there for her - but that it just will not be possible, under any circumstances, for you to be there, supporting her, on this particular day (or any paticular day)

BlondeHeadOn

I'd accept and be her bridesmaid - but as part of your acceptance 'speech' to her I'd mention that you don't like him / think he's Mr Right - but that you are doing it for her. Then forget about disliking him and be there to support her. Sounds like she's going to need you....

From the sound of it, they might not even get as far as the altar anyway - even more reason for you to be there to pick up the pieces.

That's what friends are for, in my book.