would you want to know if your bridesmaid didnt think you should be getting married?

bridesmaid

Apolgies for the new user name, but I don't want to be identified from previous posts (yet!)

To cut a long story short, a friend of mine is planning a wedding I don't approve of. We've been friends for 10 years but have drifted apart over the last couple of years, mainly due to her getting together with this bloke. I have a long list of reasons / red flags about him (he has 3 kids from 3 women he doesn't support, he's been married twice before, he's taken my friends savings to pay off his debts, he has admitted he thinks cheating is perfectly normal etc etc)

I haven't visited their place very often, the last time I did was a couple of years ago and he came home drunk and started having a go at me totally out of order.

My friend knows I don't like him, she knows he behaved badly that night (although ive never had an apology from either of them). I have just kept my distance, stayed friends with her in a group situation and hoped that they would eventually break up.

But anyway, they havent broken up, they've got engaged and now she's asked me to be bridesmaid!!!!

I just don't think I can do it. I can't be the bridesmaid that she wants, I can't get excited and encourage her when I think she's making a massive mistake. But can I tell her this? For those people who are married, would you have wanted to know before the wedding? Or should I just shut up and let her be happy (she is excitedly planning the wedding and already has her family expresses disapproval)?

zzzLazyDaisy

It seems to me that you have two choices...

1 politely decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid and stay out of it

2 accept the invitation and put your own views and feelings to one side

Either way, presumably she already knows about his history and his behaviour/views and is marrying him despite all this. That is her choice. Personally I can't think of anything worse than having a bridesmaid who disapproves of my choice of life-partner and I really can't imagine why she has asked you to be a bridesmaid, knowing that you don't like him (no offence meant)

balletshoes

I'm surprised to be honest that she's asked you to be her bridesmaid if she knows already you don't really like her groom!

I wouldn't tell her you disapprove, but I think I'd probably try to find a reason not to be her bridesmaid in your shoes, its a stress that none of the wedding party could do with, including you, really.

whitewing

Friends usually know best.

It depends on how mature you both are. If you could express your concerns as a one-off but also let her know that you will support and be excited for her after that if she still wants to press ahead, then in my opinion being bridesmaid is perfectly acceptable. You would have to put your feelings aside to give her your full support.

If this will cause an absolute rift, then it is still perfectly acceptable to be her bridesmaid (if only to say gently at the church that she can change her mind; not of course out of the blue!)

What is not acceptable is to be a grudging bridesmaid throughout and to take away the magic of it all.

go_cat

I agree apologise but say you don't feel you can give her the support she deserves on the day ( oh plus the ongonig support she will likely to need marrying this man )

POPPYOSCAR

You telling her she is making a big mistake will not stop her from getting married.

If I were in your shoes I would just let her know that I did not feel in the circumstances I would make a suitable bridesmaid. I would however go to the wedding just as a guest out of friendship for her and her alone.

bridesmaid

I know, I am surpised too! I'd be the last person I'd ask if I were her. I'm not the only one though.. she's asked 2 other mutual friends aswell and they have a similar opinion to me. I suspect it's because she doesn't have many other friends... and that makes me sad because she's a really nice girl when she's not around him, but I can see why she's not made any girl-friends more recently while he's been on the scene (she's discouraged from going out on her own, only really socialises with his sport friends and their girlfriends/wives).

I want to be a good friend to her, but I can't decide if the better friend would 'put up and shut up', support her with the wedding and be around to pick up the pieces later. Or if the better friend would try stop her making the mistake in the first place.

I have a strong suspicion he is on dating sites, which I am considering getting evidence of, but again I don't know if thats really my place or not.

bridesmaid

whitewing wrote: »

Friends usually know best.

It depends on how mature you both are. If you could express your concerns as a one-off but also let her know that you will support and be excited for her after that if she still wants to press ahead, then in my opinion being bridesmaid is perfectly acceptable. You would have to put your feelings aside to give her your full support.

If this will cause an absolute rift, then it is still perfectly acceptable to be her bridesmaid (if only to say gently at the church that she can change her mind; not of course out of the blue!)

What is not acceptable is to be a grudging bridesmaid throughout and to take away the magic of it all.

Yes, maybe you're right. I would be happy expressing concerns and then moving on, but getting the oppotunity to do it would be difficult. She doesn't seem keen to travel over to me (or our others friends anymore) and doesn't want / isn't allowed to stay overnight - so we have to go to her house which is where he is, which is why I dont see her very often!!

POPPYOSCAR

bridesmaid wrote: »

I know, I am surpised too! I'd be the last person I'd ask if I were her. I'm not the only one though.. she's asked 2 other mutual friends aswell and they have a similar opinion to me. I suspect it's because she doesn't have many other friends... and that makes me sad because she's a really nice girl when she's not around him, but I can see why she's not made any girl-friends more recently while he's been on the scene (she's discouraged from going out on her own, only really socialises with his sport friends and their girlfriends/wives).

I want to be a good friend to her, but I can't decide if the better friend would 'put up and shut up', support her with the wedding and be around to pick up the pieces later. Or if the better friend would try stop her making the mistake in the first place.

I have a strong suspicion he is on dating sites, which I am considering getting evidence of, but again I don't know if thats really my place or not.

I think you are on dangerous ground here.

Remember the expression "don't shoot the messenger"

Chances are whatever you tell her, he will have some excuse for and she loves him so will accept it and you may well end up being the 'baddie' here.

whitewing

My close friend told me that she'd really disliked my boyfriend only after we split up, as she had felt he was too cold for me. I wish she'd told me before - again, just as a one-off conversation, not a constant dripping of disapproval - I had a child by him by the time we did split up.

I love my DS, of course.

bridesmaid

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

If I were in your shoes I would just let her know that I did not feel in the circumstances I would make a suitable bridesmaid. I would however go to the wedding just as a guest out of friendship for her and her alone.

She hasn't got anyone else to ask though, so she would be one down. And her parents have already made is plain they don't support her, so she's really relying on me (and our other 2 friends) to be excited and support her.