OK following on from PT's post re affairs

izzybusy23

JoJoB wrote: »

The only way to recover from an affair is for the straying party to cut off ALL ties with the person they were seeing and fully commit to their partner.

Normally this would involve finding work elsewhere if they were working together, but I can see how this would be difficult nowadays. However continuing to meet for coffee is completely and utterly unnacceptable and shows complete disregard for your feelings and lack of real commitment to your relationship.

He got off too easily by the sounds of it - you need to get really tough and give him an ultimatum. Unfortunately you may get an answer you don't really want. But at least you will then know where you stand.

Does her husband know about all this?

How about if the OW was pregnant?

VestanPance

Your husband needs to cut all contact with this woman. He should have done so already, and his actions point to him not thinking of your feelings.

Why is he still seeing her outside of work? An ego boost! If he's willing to destroy his wifes mental health and his marriage over that he's an idiot. Don't focus all your hate on her, she sounds like a right piece of work, but your husband should have cut her short the second it became clear it wasn't friendship she was seeking.

xxxxhelpxxxx

Pollycat wrote: »

Neither can I - and I'd be asking him why he doesn't stay away from her if he really wants to salvage your marriage.

My husband was having a relationship with another woman (he didn't see it as one but that's another story). Anyway he got her pregnant (she is about 10/12 weeks now) and she is not getting rid of it.

Anyway, yesterday I found out he was in the pub at the same time as her, with some mutual friends. It's a regular thing but she always seems to be there. Of course, I was really hacked off with this and we had words. He doesn't seem to understand that it is my feelings that are being hurt by this. He turns it back on me and asks me what I want him to do about it!!! He asks if I want him to give up DJ'ing and doing an outdoor activitiy group because that is where the mutual friends come into it. He says that it will look a bit strange if he suddenly stops going. Other people's feelings and opinions are obviously more important than mine. I don't know how many other people know that he slept with her. Of course he doesn't think it isn't his fault that he slept with her - he was coerced into it somehow (he obviously hasn't got any self-will or self-control).

I am currently seeing a counsellor but wish the sessions were more than once a week

Pollycat

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

My husband was having a relationship with another woman (he didn't see it as one but that's another story). Anyway he got her pregnant (she is about 10/12 weeks now) and she is not getting rid of it.

Anyway, yesterday I found out he was in the pub at the same time as her, with some mutual friends. It's a regular thing but she always seems to be there. Of course, I was really hacked off with this and we had words. He doesn't seem to understand that it is my feelings that are being hurt by this. He turns it back on me and asks me what I want him to do about it!!! He asks if I want him to give up DJ'ing and doing an outdoor activitiy group because that is where the mutual friends come into it. He says that it will look a bit strange if he suddenly stops going. Other people's feelings and opinions are obviously more important than mine. I don't know how many other people know that he slept with her. Of course he doesn't think it isn't his fault that he slept with her - he was coerced into it somehow (he obviously hasn't got any self-will or self-control).

I am currently seeing a counsellor but wish the sessions were more than once a week

Your post made me feel really sad for you.

What an awful position you are in.

How can your OH not see it was an affair if he made her pregnant?
Are you and him 100% sure that he is the father?
Have you considered the financial implications of him being the father?
I'm assuming he will pay maintenance when the baby is born?
How will that leave you from a financial perspective?

Are you dependent on the income he gets from DJing?
Could you afford it if he gave up?

When you say he was in the pub at the same time as her, do you mean they were together in the same group?
If he was, I would find that totally unacceptable.

Are you seeing a counsellor together i.e marriage guidance?
Maybe it's something you should consider.

TBH, it doesn't really sound like he's sorry this happened and has no intention of changing his life to make you feel better.

I may be able to forgive my OH if he had an affair - but only if he were truly sorry and made every effort to make it up to me - but there is no way I'd forgive my OH if he made another woman pregnant.

peakoil_2

is there any way to claim compensation for miss-sold marriage?

xxxxhelpxxxx

Pollycat wrote: »

Your post made me feel really sad for you.

What an awful position you are in.

How can your OH not see it was an affair if he made her pregnant? He thinks he was trapped into it. He does not see that he had an emotional affair before he actually slept with her.
Are you and him 100% sure that he is the father? That will be found out after the birth. Either way - he still slept with her.
Have you considered the financial implications of him being the father?
I'm assuming he will pay maintenance when the baby is born?
How will that leave you from a financial perspective? Currently we have 2 DD's who are dependants and a grandson. He has lectured other people he knows on the responsibility of seeing their children even if they are not with the mother so he cannot not see this child.

Are you dependent on the income he gets from DJing?
Could you afford it if he gave up?Financially we are not dependent on the DJ income - that is a sideline. I am dependent on him for money.

When you say he was in the pub at the same time as her, do you mean they were together in the same group?
If he was, I would find that totally unacceptable. Yes it is all part of the same group - it is a mixture of people from the outdoor activity group and dj's who now come on a Thursday night to the same pub. She knows people from both groups and it is inevitable that the groups get together.

Are you seeing a counsellor together i.e marriage guidance?
Maybe it's something you should consider. He saw a counsellor last year and I started last week. My counsellor said we should consider couples therapy.

TBH, it doesn't really sound like he's sorry this happened and has no intention of changing his life to make you feel better. He has no intention of changing, no matter what he says.

I may be able to forgive my OH if he had an affair - but only if he were truly sorry and made every effort to make it up to me - but there is no way I'd forgive my OH if he made another woman pregnant. I cannot forgive him sleeping with another woman, let alone getting one pregnant.

My original thread is here https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3322734

xxxx

peakoil_2

if any of you ladies want to get back at your cheating partners, I'm ready and willing to 'step up to the plate' and provide a 'don't get mad, get even' service. nominal fees and any travel expenses apply.

satisfaction guaranteed.

Pollycat

He thinks he was trapped into it. He does not see that he had an emotional affair before he actually slept with her.

He is deluded.

Currently we have 2 DD's who are dependants and a grandson. He has lectured other people he knows on the responsibility of seeing their children even if they are not with the mother so he cannot not see this child.

Do you think you will be able to cope with him going to see a baby with it's mother whom he had an affair with?

Financially we are not dependent on the DJ income - that is a sideline. I am dependent on him for money.

Then why doesn't he give it up?

Yes it is all part of the same group - it is a mixture of people from the outdoor activity group and dj's who now come on a Thursday night to the same pub. She knows people from both groups and it is inevitable that the groups get together.

All the more reason for him to give it up. He is not giving your marriage a chance.

He saw a counsellor last year and I started last week. My counsellor said we should consider couples therapy.

Although I said marriage guidance may be something for you to consider, I don't think it will work unless he undergoes a total change of mindset. And from what you've said, that's seems about as unlikely as me winning £162,000,000 on the lottery.

He has no intention of changing, no matter what he says.

And are you going to live with that for the rest of your life?

I cannot forgive him sleeping with another woman, let alone getting one pregnant.

If you can't forgive him, you might as well call it a day now.

Sorry if I sound a bit brutal, it just seems that you're in a no-win situation here.

*Jellie*

The other woman has made her intentions very clear. The texts, trying to make you feel insecure and loose faith in your husband are all part of her plan. It sounds like your husband is talking to you about things, you are going to counselling and if he wanted to be with her he would be. She is alone and he has chosen to stay with you. Keep going and don't let her win IMHO.