OK following on from PT's post re affairs

RacyRed

You ned a little break away from it all so you can work out what it is YOU want.

Fill the freezer, organise childcare then take off for a couple of days to give yourself time to think. Make sure he realises you are only to be contacted in a proper emergency.

If you decide he is worth fighting for then come back all guns blazing. Kick the harridan into touch. Block her number on your mobile, no running her kids about, and tell her and everyone you both know exactly what you think about her marriage busting behavior. Knock that smirk off her face.

Tell your husband that the time to choose is now. He cuts all contact with her and actively starts searching for a new job or he gets out and don't you give a monkey's where he goes - he created this situation, he can deal with the consequences.

Get your hair done, buy new clothes, put it all on his credit card and do whatever it takes to give yourself back the self esteem he has stolen from you.

You are stronger than you think, you can do it.

p-pincher

He's made his bed so now i think you should make him lie in it.Still meeting her for sneaky coffees must show you exactly how much respect he actually has for you. He still actually has the nerve to be friendly with her whilst he knows how disgusting she treats you. Let her have him it will probably last 5 minutes before he comes back to you with his tail between his legs. It must be hard to feel like your the one fighting for the marraige but sometimes its better to admit defeat and move on with your head held high. If the trust has gone and you dont think you can get it back (and judging by his absolutely spineless behaviour, you wont be able to) i cant see how you can move on.

Its upto you to make some decisions, do you want him, if you do, tell him, no more cosy coffees, no more meeting at all unless there purely professional etc. Set some ground rules. If he's not prepared to show you any loyalty and respect i fail to see how you can carry on. Oh and another one that i completely agree with from the PT thread, no man (or woman)into an affair, Its his decision. He might use the lines that shes like a drug, and other cr*p like that but really hes a grown man.

*Louise*

You were hurt, badly, you decided to give him another chance and he is STILL meeting this woman for coffee and she is taking great delight in letting you know about it?

That would be the nail in the coffin for me, I would not take such total and utter disregard for my feelings from anyone.

I know you are worried about how divorce would affect your children, but is this unhappy situation really what you want for them instead?

make_me_wise

BLUEBIE wrote: »

I found out last year my husband had been meeting an emmotional affair with another woman for about a year. Nothing physical but equally as devastating.

She admitted she wanted to leave her husband and was on the look out for someone to pave the way for her so she could afford to leave.

Anyway after talking in depth me and H decided to try and make a go of it, work it out etc. Nearly a year on we are still struggling, mainly as I can't get over it and move on. The reason being they work togther and he still meets her for the odd coffee and talks to her, might be entirrely innocent, might not, after being lied to for alomst two years now I have no idea what to think anymore.

She's now left her hubby, my hubby says he wants us to work but I know he still has feeling for her.

Thoughts? Will divorcing really ruin my children?

Just for the recoed so you can get a feel for the other woman, and this has come form her mouth! She said she purposely set out to make friends with him with this in mind, told other people that she wanted him to leave his wife before she even really knew him, has left her own 2 kids with her husband, and made friends with me and let me ferry her b rats about here there and everywhere. She's a bit of a keeper don't you think?

Sorry if that last bit came across as bitter, I am a bit!

You dont come across as bitter to me. Just someone who can see exactly what the 'other woman' is like and has reached the end of her rope.

I refer to your husbands 'emotional affair' in this way because I find it hard to believe that she isn't still involved with him. To be honest I also find it hard to believe that their affair wasn't physical. Few affairs are platonic. Everything I have highlighted above makes me think she isn't the kind of person to keep her knickers up once she has set her sights on someone.

If your husband was determined to make a go of things with you he wouldn't meet up with someone he betrayed you with for a coffee and a chat. Okay they work together but their is absolutely no need for them to socialise outside of the working environment.

Children can find divorce traumatising, it depends on how carefully you handle things. It can also be argued that being in a household where they see mummy distressed and being treated badly by their daddy can cause them as much harm. It also sends them awful messages about what to accept and put up with in adult relationships.

My advice is break this awful cycle of mistreatment to all of you and tell your husband its over. I may well get flamed for this but I dont see a happy future for you with this guy. I am so sorry for what you are going through OP.

abacus73

BLUEBIE wrote: »

Yep, he doesn't tell me, but it eats away at me as they work together so every so foten couple of weeks or so, I say, oh have you seen so and so, he trys to deny it sometimes but I know him too well. Oh also she loves to send me little texts stating that they have met etc, every now and again!

BLUEBIE wrote: »

I found out last year my husband had been meeting an emmotional affair with another woman for about a year. Nothing physical but equally as devastating.

We have a child and obviousley lots of years of marraige behind us. after talking I could understand how it had happened, he was feeling neglected, there was a lot going on in our lives at the time etc. She admitted she wanted to leave her husband and was on the look out for someone to pave the way for her so she could afford to leave.

Anyway after talking in depth me and H decided to try and make a go of it, work it out etc. Nearly a year on we are still struggling, mainly as I can't get over it and move on. The reason being they work togther and he still meets her for the odd coffee and talks to her, might be entirrely innocent, might not, after being lied to for alomst two years now I have no idea what to think anymore.

She's now left her hubby, my hubby says he wants us to work but I know he still has feeling for her. I don't know how much longer I can put up feeling like pooh. The not knowing constantly nags at me.

Thoughts? Will divorcing really ruin my children?

Just for the recoed so you can get a feel for the other woman, and this has come form her mouth! She said she purposely set out to make friends with him with this in mind, told other people that she wanted him to leave his wife before she even really knew him, has left her own 2 kids with her husband, and made friends with me and let me ferry her b rats about here there and everywhere. She's a bit of a keeper don't you think?

She sounds vile. Please dont take this the wrong way, but the tatty bint must be good in bed, because going by what you have said about her she has nothing much else to offer someone.

I question whether she left her husband or whether he saw the light and kicked her out of his life once and for all. Wise man.

Its horrendous that she taunts you by telling you that she is meeting up with your husband. To me though its even worse that he goes along with meeting up with her so that her vicious texts have some truth and substance to them.

Get rid. Your husband sounds completely vile and you can do so much better than putting up with him hun. I think the saying 'you dont know what you have lost till it is gone' will haunt him for years. If he ends up with her (the local bike) she will bleed him dry and then move onto the next mug. You can just see it coming.

Plans_all_plans

She's got some nerve texting you to let you know they met up! What do you reply? Or do you just ignore it? I also can't believe your husband is allowing this to happen to you.

He needs to stop these friendly coffees now and sort his life out. I'd even go so far as to suggest he looks for another job.

Sensible_Jess

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

She's got some nerve texting you to let you know they met up! What do you reply? Or do you just ignore it? I also can't believe your husband is allowing this to happen to you.

I had exactly the same thing happen to me - my ex's crazy bint texting me to say that he had phoned / texted her etc after I had specifically explained to him how it made me feel and that I wanted all contact with her to cease in order for us to move on. (They didn't work together though)
I showed him the texts (some of them were quite wierd, threatening and nasty) and he tried to justify them! What a charmer!:rotfl:

Seriously - change your number now. This removes all power that she has to upset and hurt you. I resisted as I felt I was letting the crazy woman 'win' but in reality, knowing that she couldn't contact me any more was a huge relief.:T

People like that get what they deserve IMO - I'm now happily with someone else that I trust and love very much (even if I have my occasional rants on here):o, Ex is probably losing his (dyed) hair by the minute in his mid-life-crisis mobile and she is probably mouldering away alone in a house with seventeen cats and smelling of wee. Life has a way of evening things out...

Hugs to you - you are not being at all unreasonable and I hope you can get through this horrible time and see there is light at the end of the tunnel...

S-J

JoJoB

The only way to recover from an affair is for the straying party to cut off ALL ties with the person they were seeing and fully commit to their partner.

Normally this would involve finding work elsewhere if they were working together, but I can see how this would be difficult nowadays. However continuing to meet for coffee is completely and utterly unnacceptable and shows complete disregard for your feelings and lack of real commitment to your relationship.

He got off too easily by the sounds of it - you need to get really tough and give him an ultimatum. Unfortunately you may get an answer you don't really want. But at least you will then know where you stand.

Does her husband know about all this?

peakoil_2

this is the first time I have heard the term 'emotional affair' and I'm completely confused. what does this entail?

if it is talking about relationship problems, general concerns, worries and emotive issues then isn't that just a friendship?

if they were having it off, then thats a whoile different ballgame.

whats the issue here? how can someone have a non-physical affair? To me the line between opposite-sex friendship and an affair is drawn with anything physical. am I wrong? I have a lot of close female friends, have I been having an affair?

Pee

You say that this was an emotional affair and that it was platonic.

To be honest, I have a lot of male friends and my boyfriend has a lot of female friends. We usually see these people together and mostly consdier them joint friends, but I do have some friends he doesn't like and would rather not spend time with and I can think of one of his female friends I feel the same about. It's not a big deal. But then, he doesn't not tell me when he has seen her. (Although I haven't actually told him I don't like her, he's much more open and has told me which of my friends he doesn't like.) In fact, one of his female friends that I didn't like really grew on me and I've changed my opinion about her from really wishing she wasn't about to being pleased to see her.

I suppose the difference is that the girls he knows, like the boys I know, are not chasing after him.

You'd think he could see that she only wants him for a meal ticket... God I hate women like that. I think men actually like the vulnerability such women present, makes them feel all protective....

I guess a new job is the only way out... or to accept that if he didn't sleep with her, he does know what the wedding vows meant and you can trust him to keep them...