OK following on from PT's post re affairs

BLUEBIE

gonzo127 wrote: »

personally i think you need to explain how this situation makes you feel and ask him if he could move out for ~3-6 months to allow you to be able to think clearly and for him to make up his mind who is more important to him and who he wants

mainly because the situation as it is is not acceptable and is causing you more bitterness and resentment because he is still having contact with her

That would be my ideal situation but he really has no where to go, unless we sold the house etc. I can move out and in with my parents but don't want to have to put the children though that.

Pollycat

BLUEBIE wrote: »

Nope, I no they work togther, well in the same building but I can't see why he can't stay away from her.

Neither can I - and I'd be asking him why he doesn't stay away from her if he really wants to salvage your marriage.

clearingout

Have you tried Relate or counselling, either together or separately? I would suggest that it is probably worth a try. The worst that can happen is you end up coming to an understanding together that your marriage has to end - it will certainly help with keeping the acrimony out of the divorce proceedings and making sure you do the best by the children. If he won't go, you can still go on your own and it will help you work through what you are feeling and where you need to go from here.

I believe that if my ex had owned up to everything the first few weeks of walking out, I'd have been able to forgive and forget. Unfortunately, he took the path of least resistance and did nothing but lie. I don't respect that and I won't have a relationship with a person I have no respect for. It's very difficult trying to let things go but when you do, and start to get on with life, it's surprizing how good things turn out. Good luck with it.

gonzo127

ok i dont know your money situation but some places really are not expensive so it doesnt have to be extream there are plenty of houseshares within 40 miles of me (South East) which can be gotten from under £300 a month with utilities included

balletshoes

BLUEBIE wrote: »

So where do I go from here? Thats not a proper question I know know one can tell me what to do.

But I can demand this evening at MC that he has nothing more to do with her and he'll say ok, then what? I'll never know will I?

.

you don't trust your husband do you? what would it take for you to trust him again? I think thats what you both need to work on the most if you have a chance of getting over his infidelity and making your marriage work. But it takes 2, and your husband is going to have to admit his faults and work on them too.

Alikay

I would say a temporary split would almost certainly turn out to be permanent. Do you really think the "other woman" would let him stay home alone in his sad man's bedsit pondering the future of your marriage?? She is a determined lady and he is weak and indecisive.

He needs to man up and make it clear who his future lies with. He can't keep anyone in reserve "just in case". If he's not willing or able to clarify the situation with all concerned it's likely your feelings will change and you'll start distancing yourself from him emotionally, and a separation now or later will be inevitable.

BLUEBIE

balletshoes wrote: »

you don't trust your husband do you? what would it take for you to trust him again? I think thats what you both need to work on the most if you have a chance of getting over his infidelity and making your marriage work. But it takes 2, and your husband is going to have to admit his faults and work on them too.

Thats it in a nut shell, maybe the MC can come up with ideas

Dinah93

As others have said, I think he's a bit grass is greener. I'd ask him to leave (lets face it, he made his bed, he should lie in it), seeing you stand up for yourself might make him reaalise there is something attractive in a strong woman, and make him realise what he's missing out on all for a cheap thrill with a base and charmless harpy. If he wanted his marriage to work he'd have severed all but nessisary profiessional contact with her, as it is he likes the way she makes him feel and he hasn't really got any reason to tell her to back off as so far you've put up with it. Best of luck to you and your children, you need to fight for your happiness, and the only way I can see you'll get that is to be strong with him now. x

harrys_nan

My situation was very similar to yours and I tried for 3 years to make things work, but he wouldn't stop seeing this other woman as they worked together,even to the extent that at work they were classed as a couple( we all worked at the same place in different Dept's) in the end I lost my mum and thought if I can live without her I can live without him.It was the hardest thing i done but I had to do it.
You will survive and do you really care where he lives? you are more important

Skint_but_Optimistic

I was in the same position, years ago.

Do you want it to work?
Could you ever be happy and secure with him?

If the answer is no to either of the above, set yourself a plan, because denying yourself the life you deserve is not good for your children. They need a happy confident positive mum. Trust me you can be positive in a rented house, with a load of bills, 2 kids and not enough hours in the day, if you have your self worth back and are moving in the right direction.

Take stock of your feelings and how you want yours and your childrens lives to be, and if he wont go, start to find out about a private rental, housing benefit, everything you need to strike out on your own, and then you are back in control and not waiting for someone to decide whether its you they actually want.

All the best x