Care of elderly parent - any advice appreciated

verynewmoneysaver

My Dad is 95 and when he was poorly recently two GPs visited on different days and said he was just old. He was in bed for two weeks. As I don't live nearby I asked my mother to get them to test his urine, and he had an infection! He had antibiotics, but they said he also needed a catheter. Anyway he's much better now, but their attitude towards the elderly is very worrying. Also if you contact social services they may be able to help you. They helped organise carers for Mum and Dad, and also arranged respite care for my Mum.

Scottish_Lass_3

Thank you all so, SO much for your concern and advice. This forum never fails to amaze me for its members who go all out to post great advice and a 'cyber hug' to people just when they need it.

I am just back from hospital, where dad was admitted this afternoon.
I came over at 9am this morning to help mum, and found dad very confused and disoriented. He had a terrible night, with severe stabbing pains and also was doubly incontinent. He awoke very stiff and immobile, uncomfortable to be unclean, and still complaining of terrible pain, so mum suggested an epsom salts bath which he loves, but cannot have very often as mum cannot get him in and out of the bath alone. Of course, I was all 'gung ho' and thought I could take his weight no problem as he is so frail. We eventually got him in the bath with great difficulty - for all that he is frail, he is actually a dead weight and he seems to go completely stiff, even when he is supported. I realised immediately it was a huge mistake, as I seriously struggled to the point where I thought I would have to get mum to call a neighbour, or phone someone for help. Ieventually got him in the bath, and I let him lie and soak for a while while I tried to figure out how to get him out . He must have been terrified, with his ham fisted sweating daughter, and aged wife trying to maneovre him without a hoist. I ended up going in the bath fully clothed to try to lift him out. He was very scared and confused, he kept clutching on to me and yelling out. Somehow we managed to get him out of the bath. I am sure I should not have lifted him. I suddenly had a moment of clarity that this just could not go on. No matter how much we love him/good intentions and want him at home, he needs the correct care.

I telephoned the GP reception and spoke to the nurse - told her exactly what was going on and within ten minutes, a GP had arrived and done some tests - heart, reflexes etc and dad was admitted to the geriatric hospital. They sent transport, and he was seen quickly on arrival. Initial prognosis, before tests is - he has probably had a stroke, which is why he has deteriorated so quickly. His left side is very weak. He was admitted to triage ward and will be assessed either tonight or tomorrow morning. He was still very disoriented when we left - mum was in bits as she left him - they really are joined at the hip - but I gave her a stiff brandy and she is now gently snoring next door, probably having the best sleep she has had in months.

We will wait to see what happens now, but at least he is having the care and pain management he needs. They can see first hand what he is going through and at least make him comfortable and keep him clean. They can surely see that they cannot send him home to his 83 year old wife without some sort of care plan.

Thank you all so much for your help and concern.

Savvy_Sue

More hugs Scottish Lass. Sometimes it takes that moment of clarity, but that definitely could NOT continue!

Emmzi

he is in the best place.

In a few days they will try and get you to take him home. He will want to come home.

Be strong!! You need the care plan in place first; do not entertain moving him without it.

Very very best to you and mum. I hope you get the help you so obviously need.

johnswife

Ahhh Scottish Lass that made me cry and brought back memories. My Mum is 93 but about 5 years ago my sister and I was trying to get her out of the bath and had exactly the same problem. She is only 5 ft and small built but we had terrible problems.

We had someone come and had her and the house assessed. They paid for the bath to be removed and a wet room was put in, a chair lift installed, shower chair, hand rails. Even pointed out that we should have been claiming for careers allowance which we had never even considered as she is our mum and of course we were going to look after her.

Anyway I do hope it all works out for you but there is help out there if you can get to talk to the correct person.

CH27

Sending you & your mum a big hug.

Now he is being taken care of take the chance to get your mum sorted with cleaning, shopping etc.
Make sure you see a nurse everytime you visit & demand to be kept upto date.
Make an appointment to see the Dr in charge. DO NOT be fobbed off.

ERICS_MUM

This is a general comment for all in this situation with elderly family members. It's worth checking to see if they qualify for attendance allowance which is really useful for paying for help such as taxis to medical appts, meals-on-wheels, a cleaner etc. Also a disabled parking permit "Blue Badge". This is invaluable for my Mum as it means I can take her out shopping etc which keeps her mind and body ticking over if you know what I mean.

P.S. one important lesson I've learned with Mum is that you need to be really pushy and insistent when you need help - with the GP, hospital, council etc. Find out what you/parents are entitled to and go for it. Don't forget that by us caring for our parents at home we are keeping them mentally and physically fit as possible, comfy, well fed and involved in family gatherings as much as poss and loved.

The council etc a lot of money in terms of residential care, so they have to give you the tools, funding and practical support to help you. (I hope this doesn't sound cynical or money-grabbing).


Linda xx

Juneno

Hi,
I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. As others have said, he's in the best place to get all his medical problems sorted.

The hospital will not let him home until the occupational nurses have assessed both him and your parents house. This may result in him being kept in for a while longer or being put into a rehab hospital while alterations are made at your parents house but it's worth it.
My mum was in a similar situation to your dad healthwise. She lives with me and my husband but she still wasn't allowed home until we had a stairlift and bath lift put in. Shw also got lots of other helpful bits and pieces which has improved her safety and health a lot.

We have had really good treatment from our social services team and the occupational nurses at the hospital but I did have to get a little stroppy and point out that by looking after my mum in my home, I was saving the council and the NHS a considerable amount of money! Don't be afraid to do this!
What part of Scotland are you in? I'm in Midlothian and have to say, they've been great.

Good luck to you all. x

Mojisola

Juneno wrote: »

The hospital will not let him home until the occupational nurses have assessed both him and your parents house.

I'm glad that you had a good experience but this doesn't always happen. Scottish_Lass needs to make sure that the hospital doesn't try to send him home before changes are made.

Errata

What a rotten situation for all concerned. Sounds like your dad is now very frail and will need not only the right meds for whatever ailments he has, but more importantly the right level of care. I think it would be wise if you could think about if the right level of care is possible in a home setting. You will need to be very honest with yourself about how he could be cared for at home, given that your mum is also 83 years old.
HTH and wishing you well.