Care of elderly parent - any advice appreciated

Scottish_Lass_3

Not posted for some time on here, but got some great advice and help on another issue last time, so now that we are facing a difficult situation I thought I would ask for some help again. I genuinely do not know what to do or where to start looking for help - so thanks in advance for any advice .

My 83 year old father has suddenly and rapidly (over a period of about three months) become very frail, both physically and mentally. I am not looking for medical advice - I am aware of the forum rules - but I want to just note that he has a few problems, including diagnosed elderly diabetes. He also has chronic and acute pains all over his body including swollen fingers etc which we think is probably arthritis, although he has never been diagnosed. He also has IBS with all the problems that entails (he is now becoming incontinent, and sometimes it is as simple as he cannot get to the loo on time because of his immobility.) The poor soul also suffers with loss of balance, and terribly itchy skin at night (he scratches in his sleep, and his legs and back are covered in weals. He has no ulcers, but the bedsheets are covered in blood in the morning.) To cap it all, he seems to have developed slight dementia and forgetfulness, and he is very weepy and depressed. He feels so useless and such a burden to everyone, especially my mum, who is 83 and looks and acts about ten years younger. She is fit and healthy, but she is tiny, and if my father fell over for example, although he is very frail himself - she could not get him up.

Now to the whole point of my post. The family doctor has been about as much use as the proverbial chocolate teapot. Dad has never been given prescription pain relief for his 'arthritis' or whatever it is - surely in 2011 there must be something better than paracetamol for acute pain. A few weeks ago, he had a 'funny turn' where he was very confused for a while and the doctor thought he might have had a TIA or mini stroke. The doctor came to the house on a call out. Although he must have been aware of the state my dad is in (the house smells like an old folks home and it is obvious he is struggling and in pain) he simply told him he would make an appointment with a 'geriatric consultant' and we are still waiting for the date.

I am now getting really concerned for my mum. I try to help her as much as I can by going over each day - but she has it all to do, from changing the bleedy bedding to rubbing in his Voltarol, and cleaning up when he has an accident. He gets into terrible moods which he takes out on her and although she has the patience of a saint, I know it is getting her down. I went round today and the atmosphere is almost that of cabin fever - (neither of them have been out of the house for any length of time for weeks - she is scared to leave him incase he has a fall, so I do all their shopping and sit with him if she needs to go out to the hairdresser etc.) He just sat in his chair today plucking at his shirt front, saying what a burden he was and was very weepy.

Mum went back to the GP after his funny turn because dad was struggling with the stairs. They organised a visit from occupational health, who came round to assess the situation, and they then gave him a bath board/seat (which he now cannot even use as he cannot get in the bath, he really has deteriorated so much) a bed guard, and a stair rail. Today I made mum phone and make another GP appointment (it is for 29th July) so we can discuss why dad seems to be getting worse by the day and to see where we go from here.

Has anyone else been in this situation and what more can I do for them? What can I expect to happen - is there any help we can get for dad while he is at home? Sorry to sound so niaeve but...I really am, I have not got a clue what to do.

Thanks,

mandi

Yes Scottish Lass . You Contact your Dads GP first thing tomorrow and insist on another home visit tomorrow .


Make a list of the problems that need to be addressed and don't be fobbed off .

Your father needs medical care now .

Be calm but firm .

Best of Luck :A

Amber_Sunshine

I too found the GP utterly useless when my mother's mental health deteriorated.

Get in contact with your nearest Specialist Mental Health Team for Older People and ask for an assessment of his mental state, and contact social services to see if they can provide any practical help or carers.

Fire_Fox

Are there no other doctors in the practice your father is registered at? If not move to a new surgery, it really is not difficult. My diabetic aunt has as have I and we have no regrets whatsoever! Don't wait for the 29th July, that is not acceptable and be sure to book a double appointment as your father clearly has multiple problems. Apparent 'dementia' can signify a water infection, has this been tested for?

Brecon_Beacons

Contact Age UK for the best all round advice - have a look at their web site:

http://www.ageuk.org.uk/home-and-care/

You will have to persevere and follow things up, no one will volunteer immediate assistance or services in these economically-straightened times. Age UK should be able to give you a starting point though, on what you can expect and where you can ask for it.

My opinion, for what it's worth: don't get on to the doctor or health care agencies, stridently demanding that they do this,that, and the other, and do it now. It will have the opposite effect you desire! Over-pressed nurses and doctors are all too familiar with being contacted by furious, demanding relatives complaining about the state of their elderly relatives. They all agree on one point: guilt plays a large part in this. The Health Service becomes a scapegoat for people with busy lives who realise, too late, that their elderly parents are not coping. I'm not passing judgement on your particular predicament - it's just the way it is.

Please remember this, and try to stay polite, but persistent. Good luck!

mountainofdebt

Brecon_Beacons wrote: »

Contact Age UK for the best all round advice - have a look at their web site:

http://www.ageuk.org.uk/home-and-care/

You will have to persevere and follow things up, no one will volunteer immediate assistance or services in these economically-straightened times. Age UK should be able to give you a starting point though, on what you can expect and where you can ask for it.

My opinion, for what it's worth: don't get on to the doctor or health care agencies, stridently demanding that they do this,that, and the other, and do it now. It will have the opposite effect you desire! Over-pressed nurses and doctors are all too familiar with being contacted by furious, demanding relatives complaining about the state of their elderly relatives. They all agree on one point: guilt plays a large part in this. The Health Service becomes a scapegoat for people with busy lives who realise, too late, that their elderly parents are not coping. I'm not passing judgement on your particular predicament - it's just the way it is.

Please remember this, and try to stay polite, but persistent. Good luck!

I have no problem with the staying polite bit but to be honest sometimes you have to kick up a fuss to be taken seriously......and having accompanied an eldery relative to a hospital appointment recently I was shocked as to how the doctors/nurses tried to fob her off - until I got involved.

Personally OP I would be doing what Mandi suggested - if your mum became ill because of the strain of looking after your dad then something would have to be done so better that its done now than later.

Make a list of all the things that are concerning you / your mum and then get answers to all of them

Scottish_Lass_3

Thank you all.

I would never 'stridently' demand anything, neither would my mum...which is probably why we are all in the situation we find ourselves in to be honest! My father was clearing snow off the path in February - today he is wearing a sanitary towel at night to stop him messing the mattress. It really has been that quick. To be blunt, no one but our family apparently seems to care that this old man is in constant pain and is being denied even a dignified last few months/years of his life. We have known for quite some time that his health was deteriorating, and yes, although we, as a family are not coping - we do not want to fob him off on the health service, or expect the health service to 'take him on', but we would like a little care and advice. So Brecon - our family have no guilt. In MY opinion, the guilty ones are the health service who have taken his NHS payments all his life and now think because he is 83 and obviously as good as dead, he is not worth bothering about. Sorry - but that is how it seems to us.

Scottish_Lass_3

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Are there no other doctors in the practice your father is registered at? If not move to a new surgery, it really is not difficult. My diabetic aunt has as have I and we have no regrets whatsoever! Don't wait for the 29th July, that is not acceptable and be sure to book a double appointment as your father clearly has multiple problems. Apparent 'dementia' can signify a water infection, has this been tested for?

No this has not been tested for. But thank you for enlightening me. There are three doctors in the practice, and dad has seen them all. They don't ask patients to see the same GP on visits, it is just who you get. To me it makes sense to see one GP for a history of patient problems..but hey, what do I know. I do not wish to GP bash....really I don't. But today when I said to dad about seeing the doc, he said he had no faith in them as they had not addressed his problems and he felt like he was 'sinking'.

Speaks volumes.

Fire_Fox

Scottish_Lass wrote: »

No this has not been tested for. But thank you for enlightening me. There are three doctors in the practice, and dad has seen them all. They don't ask patients to see the same GP on visits, it is just who you get. To me it makes sense to see one GP for a history of patient problems..but hey, what do I know. I do not wish to GP bash....really I don't. But today when I said to dad about seeing the doc, he said he had no faith in them as they had not addressed his problems and he felt like he was 'sinking'.

Speaks volumes.

You can usually ask to see a specific GP in a practice. IMO your father could well be experiencing clinical depression, very common in older people, the less mobile or those with chronic pain.

Savvy_Sue

It would also be worth asking the surgery about incontinence advice. This might come via the District Nurse. There are surely more appropriate solutions than sanitary towels for an elderly man!

Are you in Scotland, Scottish Lass? I don't know how things work up north. But down here, phoning Social Services and asking for carer's assessment for you and your mother could also be worthwhile.

LondonDiva

ASk your mother to contact the practice and book a doubole appointment for her and your dad to go in to discuss his deterioration. It would be helpful if she had a list of issues and the reason for any concerns. At the appt, s/he should ask the GP to refer your father to the bladder and bladder care / continence service and also make a carer's referral.

While I appreciate that your father is in pain with arthritis, sometimes if a patient is on a cocktail of different drugs for different issues, it can be tricky / impossible to find the right meds for pain - it may even not exist.