Real Life MMD: What should I do about the bridemaid's weight?

joehoover

leetabix wrote: »

The weight of a person is usually down to choice. Some people are affected by certain medical conditions or situations that would result in them being over (and under) weight compared to the norm. So, for the purposes of this response, I'll make the assumption that the bridesmaid's weight is something that she can control through virtue of having the choice of foods to eat and ability to exercise (if this is wrong however, and the OP advises of this, then I'm sure the general responses will be of a different nature).

Following on from the above, my opinion would be dependant on whether the poster of the question has advised the bridesmaid of the initial size. From the way the question/scenario has been proposed, it seems this is the case, as the bridesmaid has noted that she would regulate her weight for the wedding - someone would generally make a comment like that to either indicate an intention to lose weight in general as a lifestyle choice, using the wedding event as a 'goal' for the weight loss to happen. Otherwise, the only other logical conclusion I can reach is that the comment was made in reference to being able to fit into the bridesmaid dress (if anyone spots any logical fallacies so far, please advise).

Finally, following on from both paragraphs above, my resultant opinion would be that the bridesmaid should either lose the weight in a healthy manner (current medical opinion (i stress opinion, as admittedly this does change as a result of ongoing medical research into dieting/weight, but the general point still stands) notes this would be around 1 or 2 pounds a week, obtained through exercising 2-3 times a week in 30 minute sessions, along with a healthy/calorie-controlled diet of around 1000-1500 depending on the height/current weight of the person). If this isn't possible, or the bridesmaid is unwilling, discussing the need for an alteration for the dress (and for the bridesmaid to pay for this) I think would be reasonable. Again, this is due to an assumption of the bridesmaid knowing of the size of the dress (which was noted as not being outside of her previous/recent weight range) and choosing indirectly to be as at her current weight.

As an aside, some people have noted that comments similar to these are sizeist in the context of meaning that 'sizeism' is a negative discrimination in the same grouping as behaviour towards notions such as age/race/sex etc. However, while people can't choose to be a certain age/race/sex etc., for the most part people can choose their weight (for those that can't for medical/related reasons, this would stlil be discrimination as they can't choose not to have that condition unless actively refusing to take medication for a curative condition). Therefore, in the same way that people do discriminate on 'maleable' or changeable attributes such as merit (i.e. when you perform better at an exam and get a better mark than a colleague of otherwise equal ability because you decided to put more effort into the preparation for the test), people find discrimination on weight not as negative as the key factor is the ability to choose which weight to be - this can be demonstrated through practical situations such as this dilemma. A related example would be a commercial situation of an aeroplane operator charging an excessively overweight person for the price of two seats as they physically take up more space on the plane (some literally overlapping onto the next seat and requiring the occupancy of two physical seats, therefore depriving the company of revenue for that seat if they hadn't charged for the seat otherwise), compared to a person of average weight taking up only one seat. I'd be curious to see if people who find the discrimination to be more negative would be those that are overweight themselves (using BMI as an indicator of weight as a relative metric), whereas people who find it acceptable would be those of average weight, with underweight people potentially having a minor negative bias.

I like your response, I'd like to apply myself to your survey, I am against negative opinion to overweight people, I would be classed as average, fit and healthy. I just believe sweeping generalisations are not appropriate as I see from people I know the amount of willpower it takes to exercise, and they constantly turn to food when they are down. It is not a matter of snapping out of it, just not eating, it is deeper and psychological. It's no different to telling a smoker to quit, there are far more attachments to consider. They will need to learn to eat better but that is about finding out what causes the over-eating, otherwise you will always fall back on it. And imagine the ridicule they are getting on this thread then how can we expect them to just go to the gym and work out when they will be open to ridicule in public. This is one example, but I believe we will see a far greater increase in obesity but not through laziness, or other issues that cause you to overeat, but to do with lack of education, people just don't know what food to eat, how to cook, this comes from bad parenting and this will only get worse. I was served at supermarket and the girl trying to charegme fro the vegetables couldn't do it as she didn;t know what to type in to get the scales to work out the price, this included a courgette, a butternut squash and a red cabbage.

joehoover

Lexis200 wrote: »

The poster wasn't saying overweight people didn't consume more calories, they said it was more expensive to eat healthily, and that is bang on. If I want to fill my kids' lunchboxes with crisps, chocolate snacks and a squash I can do it for far less than if I put in a couple of bits of fruit or veg and a fruit juice or smoothie. I know this because when we were in serious money trouble it was very tempting to send them in with c**p everyday instead of keeping the healthy stuff going.

I love the cut and dried way people harp on about how easy it is to lose weight. Ask any hardened smoker how hard it is to give up, or an alcoholic. At least they have the option of just cutting out their addition completely. People with food issues have to deal with an addiction that is just as ingrained, but they are forced to face their problem all day every day.

And no, I'm not overweight - I was for many years, but that was due to massive doses of steroids (there's fun, having people ask you if you're pregnant from the age of 7 - no sadly not kidding or exaggerating -, all because you're on drugs to stop you dying). The one year (between ages 5 and 20) I wasn't on them at age 13 I dropped to a size 8. It is possible but it is hard hard work. I don't have time for people who are unhappily overweight, have no medical problems and don't try to help themselves, preferring to use excuses instead. Having been fat without being able to help it, that really irritates me. I do have issues with people who assume it's easy though. In words, yes, it's the easiest thing in the world. In practise, really not so much. If someone's trying but slips off the wagon every now and then and can't instantly drop a stone, cut them some slack - it's bl**dy hard!

To the OP though I'd agree with many of the posts - regardless of why your friend has put the weight on, with only 6 weeks to go you need to get on and get her trying it and work from there. If she knew what size dress it was when you bought it and she has put on weight due to overeating then possibly you may be entitled to gently suggest she helps towards adjustment costs (if it's possible to get it done), or even maybe having a similar dress made. If there's some other reason, or you didn't tell her the size that you were ordering I think you have far less reason to ask her for help with money.

To be perfectly honest though, on the day you're going to be so swept up in everything that I doubt you'd notice if your bridesmaids showed up in purple tutus:)

Some good points, as a smoker still in the throes of quitting and failing and quitting again, nothing is clear cut. Without knowing personal circumstanes and budget for you though I do disagree in the cost aspect. What's wrong with tap water for a lunchbox, they dont need the fruit shoots and smoothies. Or you can make your own smoothies in a blender, it goes really far. Get kids involved in making their own lunches, Good Food website has some great ideas and if the kids are involved they could be more willing to eat what they have been given.

bennett2kuk

Scubee wrote: »

If they can afford food to get fat, they can afford to get the dress fixed.

That is so unbelievably ignorant I can't believe anybody would even have those thoughts. :mad:

Scubee wrote: »

Harsh, but fair.

No. It's not. It's just incorrect!

cuba2008

My daughter had the same problem with one of her two bridesmaids. Unfortunately, the girl (who has always been big) would insist on underestimating her true size,to the point that she said she was a 14 when we could clearly see she was bigger than my sister in law who is an 18. She was even getting bigger whilst telling us she was dieting. Several dresses later, we came to the conclusion that it was easier to have both dresses made. This meant the dressmaker could leave the final fitting until a couple of weeks before the day - problem solved. However, it's clearly too late for that in this instance. Have the dress rehearsal and if there really is a big problem, it may be necessary to consider purchasing something that completely contrasts with the others. Clearly, your friend knew she was being a bridesmaid and I do think she should have made an effort to keep the weight down. I would suggest she pays towards the cost of a replacement,if that is necessary. If she says no then maybe you will have to reconsider whether she should be bridesmaid at all.

innerpeas

I've read the question and a few of the replies and am frankly shocked.

To the respondents:

Would you be thinking of treating this person in this way is she were a man? Seriously, think about it. If you would treat a man with compassion in such a situation, that's great, but you have double standards. If you would treat a man better than a woman you need to look at yourself - don't shy away from this because it is important. Your attitudes are your responsibility, and you may want to think twice before passing them onto your children.

To the questioner:

Where does happiness come from? Can it ever come from being selfish and treating your mates badly? Or will you have a much happier day if you treat everyone with love?

I wish you the happiest day possible.

A.Jones

Can't you just cut it up the sides and get some giant safety pins, just like Elizabeth Hurley?

I'm sure tubbs would look good in that.

PegasusPJ

You're the one who wants bridesmaids.. and them dressed as YOU want, so it's your problem frankly. (it's a stupid custom which most countries don't follow, I'd refuse to be a bridesmaid if it meant wearing some stupid assorted dress.. but then anyone who knows me would know that in advance and not ask :-))

you should have had her try the dress in the first place anyway, even left it with her so she can keep an eye on her weight more easily (assuming her weight problem is even a question of food)

bbwcaz

Oh Dear, If you where a true friend you would not need to post on a forum about your mates.My daughter is getting married in Nov we have 2 chubby gorgeous girls as bridesmaids and have monthly dress checks over a glass ofwine.Get a grip and be nice weight loss is difficult enough...
With friends like you who needs enemies poor girl have you thought to ask her or support her in what may or may not be going thro her head, maybe just maybe she doesn't want to be your bridesmaid.
:mad:

gerbiljo

This doesn't need to be such a dilemma. If you go out and buy dresses it makes sense for everyone to try them on etc but seeing as possibly that has not happened surely some alterations were expected???

When I got married I had three bridesmaids but I got the dresses online and all in a size too big to be on the safe side. Then I put a corset back in them all the way down the back so it allowed for top half and to some degree waist adjustments (they were all really long so there was loads of spare material for a back panel too) surely this would work in all but very fitted dresses around the bottom half where quite honestly its almost rude to buy without everyone trying them!!? Personally I would not have wanted to buy a new dress if someone had hugely gained weight but I would have not asked them to either. They took ages to come too so was unlikely I'd have had time to order more. Weddings are very expensive and each bridesmaid carries a pricey tag shoes, jewellery, tiaras, presents, you only plan to do it once if you really want them to be a bridesmaid I say unfortunately you will have to fork out for some alterations.

Pellyman

Try politely asking her to lose weight - or else resign and just come as a guest!

As for the cost of the dress I'm afraid that's going to be your loss unless she offers to pay. If she herself asks you to consider alteration as an alternative to resignation then, if she is a true friend, she will offer to pay the cost and it will be your call - if you want her on the photos.

Whatever the outcome of the above, I hope you have a truly wonderful day.