Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

cornish_lady

Morning All

Stormy, I'm with you on the lonliness thing, like you, I have been busy just getting on with things up to now and having the occasional moan to myself about the mess my son leaves about, but at the weekend he was away (in London for an interview for a job) so I was alone for 2 nights. God was I lonely!! He is the last one at home and likely to be moving out in September so I'd better get used to it (the other 4 already have lives/partners of their own).

I don't work due to illness, so am at home most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty to do, but at the moment struggle with motivation to do any of it (the early mania seems to have worn off now)

I seem very emotional again now too, a friend phoned the other evening and was treated to a flood she didn't expect, all she did was ask why I was going away after Easter (I'm avoiding being home for our anniversary)

The thing I miss most at the moment, are the cuddles, we always made time for half an hour of cuddles morning and night and god I miss them. I get a peck on the cheek when my son goes out or to bed but that's it. We always held hands when we went out and were a very "touchy feely" couple if you know what I mean and I so miss that.

Anyway, I'm getting a soggy keyboard again here so I'd better go and try to raise the energy/motivation to do something. I'm trying to follow the flylady thread, but without much success at the moment.

AnW's mum I'm glad you seem to be doing a little better, you and the children have been so brave.

Shelanne, I hope you are doing ok, it is very early days for you and you are doing really well.

Stormy it sounds as if the hospital are using delaying tactics so I'm sure they must realise they are in trouble. I hope they don't drag it out too much for you.

Hugs to all that need them.

chevalier

"Lately, I've also started to feel a little lonely. I'm not sure if this is normal or what. During the past 15 months, I haven't had time to feel lonely and my head has been full of what happend and I was constantly thinking of John, or making sure the children were allright, buying houses or having holidays, just generally keeping busy.......... Now I seem to find loneliness creeping, the sort of lonliness that you need when you get home form work and need someone to chat to, someone to smile at you and tell you that you look nice, or a hug from a man............you now what I mean. Having these thoughts also makes me feel guilty, like I'm cheating on John....God, the diffiulties seem to arise at whatever stage you are at diesn't it..?
Does anyone have any experience of these sorts of emotions out there???"

Hi Stormy. Thing is we are by nature social beings and once the initial grief etc has started to pass, the need for being social comes back. It doesn't make you a cheat, it makes you human. I can't speak for myself, but with my mum it took a few years but she is now seeing another man. I have no idea how far the relationship goes (tmi!!!), but she seems relatively content to have a going out, staying over, but not getting married kind of relationship. I doubt very much if she will marry again though.

As you are much younger, this maybe something that will happen to you. Part of you died with John, but he wouldn't want you to be emotionally buried with him too. Just take it slowly and you will be fine. You may find that your relatives and especially your children and step children, may take it hard though if you do start having relationships with men again. But at some point you have to give yourself some joy too. It is a difficult balancing act.

When mum started going out with someone new, I was already long gone from the family home, and had my own family. I was concerned about him being a money grabber, as my mum is quite comfortable, but that wasn't the case, he is really quite nice in a dull sort of way bless him!!

So like everything else, take it at a pace you want to go at.

Ref the notes, sorry I haven't read all of the thread, but does this mean that there is a worry about negligence? If so then I am really sorry you have to go through that as well as the grief of losing someone. At least we were spared that by the nature of how my step dad passed away.

chev

Shelanne

Stormybay wrote: »

...... Now I seem to find loneliness creeping, the sort of lonliness that you need when you get home form work and need someone to chat to, someone to smile at you and tell you that you look nice, or a hug from a man............you now what I mean. Having these thoughts also makes me feel guilty, like I'm cheating on John....God, the diffiulties seem to arise at whatever stage you are at diesn't it..?

Hi Stormy, have just logged on to ask how you are, this is your thread after all!!! We all seemed to have hijacked it and I thought, bet you still need a hug in your direction. Of course you are lonely, you poor thing. I think as surely as John has gone, Stormy John's wife has gone too, you are a different person after all you've been through. Stormy, John's grieving widow, is clearly not a healthy stage to stick at and "Super new Stormy" should be allowed to emerge!! Take it slowly at your own pace but when you're ready get out there.

AnW's mum, hope Alice is feeling better, you did the right thing being open and honest with her - better in the long run than trying to "protect" the children. Must join you all on the Flylady thread, Keith used to do everything, really everything around the house so my place looks trashed and the whole new experience of cooking food is pretty overwhelming!!! I was so spoilt by my man!

Cornish lady, thinking of you and sending hugs, hope you have friends around to give you the real thing. Keith and I were always very cuddly and "handy holdy" types too, the mums on the playground used to laugh and call us "the young lovers". It's very hard knowing that has gone.

Chev - you sound like a very supportive daughter to me. Good Luck to your mum!

Mandymoo - Thanks sweetie.

As for me - the 12th today, one month survived. All so different, so sad. Did a bit of sorting yesterday and a nice helpful chap took Keith's car away to sell. The empty parking space was a sad sight this morning, but we have to be practical I guess. The children are so excited about their birthday party on Easter Monday(G's b'day the 24th March and C's B'day the 25th, they will be 11 and 7). All I can think is that keith and I went to the bowling alley together to book that party, never thinking for a second that I would be on my own by the time it came round. I guess their birthdays falling around Easter this year gets another set of horrible firsts over in one go.

Getting a bit sick of people telling me how brave I am! Don't feel brave or strong or like a survivor. Feel like giving up already, not really an option. Sorry, rant over!

Hugs to all. Shelanne xxxxxxx

Shelanne

Shelanne wrote: »

Of course you are lonely, you poor thing. I think as surely as John has gone, Stormy John's wife has gone too, you are a different person after all you've been through. Stormy, John's grieving widow, is clearly not a healthy stage to stick at and "Super new Stormy" should be allowed to emerge!! Take it slowly at your own pace but when you're ready get out there.


Just re read that post and thought it might come across a bit flippant, I really didn't mean it to. I'm not always great with words. You were a loyal and loving wife and have been through so much, it's not cheating at all to think of the next stage of your life. I sometimes feel guilty when I enjoy cuddling the children because Keith can't anymore or if I have a laugh with a friend but no one can cry all the time.

It takes strength to recognise that it is loneliness and would take even more strength to do something about it!

Shelanne

Hello everyone, hugs to you all! Start of yet another week, still here, still breathing in and out!

cornish_lady

Well done Shelanne, doing the same here.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) to all.

Stormybay

Well done to everyone for surviving another week in this mad mad world, will drop back in later, am in the 'spagetti Bolognaise' cooking mode, so I'm going to make some for my, now very pregnant, daughter to save her cooking tomorrow................
Loads of hugs, and a big well done to you Shellane, it will be difficult for you over Easter. I will be thinking of you loads, and everyone else.
I find the build up to events is actually worse than the event itself, but, everyone's different....
Breathe..................in and out, we are all getting there
Lots of love
Stormy
xxxxxx

Shelanne

Hope everyone having a good day. Boy, I'm tired! Doing nothing but totally shattered by it! Shelanne.

sarymclary

Hello All,
I've been away working for the past few days, but have just caught up.

Stormy, loneliness is a toughy. The kids can be great company, they like hugs, but it's simply not the same. As with grief itself, only each individual knows when the time has come to move forward. It can be as quick as a matter of weeks, for others it can be years or never. There does come a time for most people, when the loss of companionship, and a physical relationship becomes more apparently lacking.

Just consider a few questions: what would it mean to you to be able to share your life with someone again? What would it be like if you did? what would it be like if you didn't? What is is you miss about being in a relationship?

I don't necessarily expect you to answer on here! (if you want to PM me, we could delve a bit further if you want). Have you wondered what your family might think about it, or has it been mentioned?

I have had a slightly different experience from you, in that my DH and I were already separated at the time of his death, so I was already trying to move on with life, and knew that new relationships were going to be on the horizon. Nonetheless, it still felt odd all the same, and I made it crystal clear to the children that my new BF was not a replacement for their daddy, but a new friend. My 2 youngest have asked to now call him daddy, but in truth my youngest cannot remember his real daddy because he was so young when he died. My eldest 2 call him by his first name. I have purposefully not lived with my BF despite being together for a few years now, because I felt the children needed a defined space for 'our' family unit, but that's just me. My boys have asked if we will get married, and want us to, so that's proof enough that it can work out well, and it can be what they want.

Try discussing it with your older children to see what they think, and express if from the viewpoint that you're missing companionship, not necessarily just feeling lonely (they may just offer to pop round more, which isn't quite what you mean).

How do you feel you might move forward from here, now that you are noticing being more lonely? (Hate that word lonely, it doesn't quite fit right).

Be patient and strong with the hospital - they're stalling for sure.

Enjoy the easter break, and busy hands make the time go faster. It was my DH's birthday last week on the day I had to go away for a few days, I bought some flowers to take down to him, but I was really disappointed to see the boys left them in water on the side and didn't go. I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing that they didn't go. It felt wrong to me, but then I'm not a kid am I?

sarymclary

Hello Shelanne,

I reckon things are catching up with you. You've probably been running on reserves for the past month, and the emotional turmoil can keep you going for a while, but it eventually runs out. Easter sounds like it's going to be busy, but try to get a breather for yourself, and put your feet up when you can. Your Keith isn't there to ensure you do, so you have to remind yourself for now.

My eldest is 16 today (trying to reconcile the fact in my own head that I have a child that old!) and it's the 4th one without his dad. He's changed so much in that time, he's 9" taller, shaves, has a deep voice and looks so much older. His dad would have been so proud.

The first birthdays and anniversaries are hard, but the subsequent ones are always reminders too, but I think I notice it more than the children.

Take care of yourself, and eat chocolate - it really does help! :EasterBun