Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

Shelanne

Thanks Stormy, Cornish lady, Lou Blue and rog2. I started today full of determination and vigour to sort some stuff out, I've now got to the point where I'm just about breathing in and out! My husband did everything for us, cooking, cleaning, fixed everything - he was a very nurturing person. I've made a very mediocre tea for our daughters and feel so sad that I am doing his stuff! Eldest daughter (10) is so upbeat about our learning new skills, I struggle to find her enthusiasm. Girls had first day back at school today because of half term and I did the morning school run (with a friend to hold my hand!) but couldn't face going back this afternoon so feel like I let them down a bit.

I feel numb and have a pain in my chest.

Hugs to everyone and sympathy for everyone's losses. Stormy, you inspire me to believe that survival may be possible. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

AnW'sMum

Hi Shelanne

So sorry to hear that about your DH, how horrible for you. So wish you didn't have to join the 'W' club but hope that you find support on here. I was 36 when my DH died almost 2 years ago and our children were 3 and 6 at the time. I suspect at the moment you are alternating between phases of total numbness and then total dispair and disbelief. The key is to take things one step at a time when you are ready. Everybody reacts differently, there is no right or wrong way to feel/act at a time like this.

The priorities at the moment are you and the children and only then should more practical stuff come into the picture. For me our children were my saving grace, they were the reason for me to keep going.

On the practical side of things there are quite a lot of people who will need informing and that is a mentally draining task. Is there a close friend who could help you?

If you want to PM me the please do and I'll give you as much help as I can.

Remember, one day, one hour or even one minute at a time.

HUGS

sarymclary

Hello Shelanne,

Welcome to the board, but I'm really sorry you needed to find us in the first place. This thread is a really special place, you can tell us whatever it is that's going on for you at any particular time of the day (or night), and you can be guaranteed that one of the lovely people on here will not only agree with what you say, they'll offer you the comfort, support or just plain space to have a virtual scream and sob!

As the other wise ones have said, take each moment at a time. Don't expect to behave/feel any particular way, and try to take a little comfort in knowing that you will get through this awfully dark phase, and there are days to come where the sun begins to shine again, although it's never quite going to be the same, it's just a different sunshine. Come back here as often as you need, and PM if you wish.

Sending you lots of hugs and love to you and your family.

S xx

Stormybay

HI Shelanne, I hope you managed to sleep a little last night. I often wake in the night, and I used to hate it, but now I use it as a quite time to think of a happy memory. Not always John these days either, it may be of my Mum or Dad, or grandparents.
Anw's Mum aand Sarymclary have given you wise words, they have helped me so much over the past year, and they were my inspiration to survive....... Please feel free to pm them or me, I know they will be there for you.
As Anw's mum says, the practical form filling, phone calls etc, are just awful, so do try to find someone to be with you. And remember, it's oki to put the phone down if you don't want to talk, and it's ok to grab your children, and sneak them under your duvet with you and watch dvds all day eating out of an open box of Frosties!! (Rosie and I did this on a number of occasions
when we didn't want to face the world}
Please let us know how you are, and honestly Shelanne, if you live anywhere near North Wales, let me know, we can meet up and scream together!!! That's goes for any of you guys out there, my gardian angels
Take care and breath.................in....out....in....out....in....out......eat......in......out.....in
Stormy
xxxxxx

AnW'sMum

Stormybay wrote: »

it's ok to grab your children, and sneak them under your duvet with you and watch dvds all day eating out of an open box of Frosties!! (Rosie and I did this on a number of occasions
when we didn't want to face the world}

I think a lot of us can relate to that one. And kids are so resilient can make you smile on the darkest of days.

Shelanne

Thanks Stormy, North Wales you say - we would have been at Pontins Prestatyn at the half term if Keith hadn't gone and, you know the "D" word. Not our idea of fun really but the girls age 10,6 and 4 really love it and it's very money saving!!

Thanks Anw's Mum and Sarymclary for your wise words. I had good intentions for today, going to write letters and stuff but the duvet is now beckoning instead. I'm going to attempt the afternoon school run today although I do have a very supportive network of friends who have been very good about school runs, gymnastics, orchestra, guides, etc etc. It's going to be very difficult getting used to accepting these offers without knowing I'm taking "my turn" with these things.

A friend brought round a Winstons Wish pamphlet so I will read that carefully as soon as I've had some sleep. Thanks again to all of you and hope you are all having a good day today! Hugs Shelanne xxxxxxxx

AnW'sMum

I am really pleased you have a good set of friends round you and don't worry about 'taking turns'. Whilst you may not be in a position to take your turn now there will be plenty of times way down the line when you can give something back although i might be you help somebody else instead rather than those who are helping you now. It's all a big circle of help as far as I can see

And there's no problem with duvet days, just make sure you have the TV remote or a good stash of magazines there as well.

Give us a shout if you need help with your letters.

Stormybay

Hi Shelanne,
Well done for getting through another day. As Anw's Mum says, please use the kind offers from friends, from experience, people do want to help, even if they don't really know what to say and if you accept offers, they seem to feel like they are helping in some way. I was a little like you and didn't accept the help, when I look back now, I wonder why not, I suppose I was a little embarassed. But I wish I had.
I'm sorry you didn't get to Pontins (I work about 4 miles away from there), but if you do decide to re-book, and you need a moan, cry, scream, then just shout and I'll be there. That goes for anyone else who finds themselves up in this neck of the woods too.
I still have the odd duvet day even now, although I use the time just to be completely lazy. You need to do that too, with 3 children, things can seem like such an effort, and with no one there to share the trials and tribulations with, it can be so exhausting.
As Anw's Mum said earlier, if it wasn't for the children, I don't think I would have got out of bed at all.....................but to shouts of 'where's my footie boots', 'what's for tea', 'there's no toothpaste!!!', I think I would still be under the duvet.
One of the best things I found in the early days, was to do my food shopping on line, I just couldn't face the supermarket, and I was constantly running out of food. It's amazing how easy it is, and made me feel like I wasn't such a bed mother after all, because the children were fed and warm, that's all that matters in the early days.
Take care all and just shout if you need us, we are here. Don't worry about how you feel or how you act, everyones reactions are different, and are therefore normal for you.
lots of love
Stormy
xxxxxx

mandymoo

Hello everyone,

Welcome Shelanne, my thoughts are with you and yours and I echo what has been said and am so sorry that you have had to come to this thread but we are all here for each other and I hope that you get some comfort from it as we all have over time.(and still do)

AnW`sMum, my thoughts are with you for Ians inquest, it`s not easy, I know with my dads it was so hard to have to go over everything again, and it is as if they have died again if you know what I mean then a year after the inquest we then had to go to the High Court in London for the court case and it seemed that dad had died for a third time.

Love and hugs to you all
Mandymoo xxxxx

cornish_lady

Just because I want to make the point that everyone is different and there is no right or wrong way for people to behave, I want to say that I was the exact opposite to the way described so far, in that I was manic after my husband's passing.

In the first few days I barely sat down, I rang everyone, filled in forms, emailed, cleaned the house etc etc etc, but that has always been me in times of stress and luckily the family are used to this and allow me to just get on with it as that is what I need to do.

I don't mean that I didn't cry, I certainly did that (and still do) and that is somewhere else that everyone is different, not everyone cries immediately and that is fine too.

I love the idea of a duvet day/ being able to hide away from everything but am just not able to do it. I do not sleep well and no matter what time I go to bed/how tired I am, I am up several times in the night and give up at about 7am and get up.

Sorry, long rambling post, just to say, whatever is your way, is the right way and not to worry about it as people will understand.