Turnips and Truffles

Ellidee

Bob - tell me to mind my own beeswax BUT can't help wondering what DOES he spend his money on ?

Nargleblast

I see you are wading through treacle again, Bob - but I think you did right re the mortgage payment. He has to see it come out of his account - you can't always be expected to pay it all yourself, and the money fairy doesn't really exist. Well, you and I know that, but sometimes our OHs seem to be under the impression that she will fly in and save the day.
I am sure things will work out in the end, and he can't accuse you of not doing your bit. You are supposed to be a team, after all.

Hang in there - if all else fails, he'll just have to eat turnips for the rest of the month!

ZTD

boredofbeingathome wrote: »

I am wondering why it becomes so emotive to discuss things with him? It always causes an argument

• You broach the subject of him spending less on himself.
• He shouts.
• You shut up.
• Job done.

And there was meant to be some kind of mystery in there?

You'll not get a Nancy Drew book out of it...

boredofbeingathome wrote: »

and i never wanted to be dictating to him how he spends his money - as he works long hours and has always been a hard worker. But i sort of flipped that statement on its head as i thought he is dictating to me how i spend my money by ensuring he doesn't have enough- so plays to my conscience by knowing my personality will be that i prioritize repayments and will do my utmost to do what i say i am going to do.

He exploits your weaknesses in order to get his own way.

You may consider that keeping a roof over your heads and food on the table are not weaknesses, but if they can be exploited by others, then they're not strengths.

boredofbeingathome wrote: »

By the way he earns more than i do, so i don't think i am unfair in saying this.

It doesn't matter if he earns more or less. If he is not paying his way - no matter what percentage of the total way that is - then you're not being unfair pointing it out.

savingwannabe

boredofbeingathome wrote: »

Something which cheered me up today http://frugalincornwall.blogspot.com/2011/08/standing-and-dancing-in-rain-on.html She is marvelous for the way she approaches things. I can see it can be done I love the title as well- says it all really.

Hello Bobster, I am catching up but had to post when I saw this. I joined this when you mentioned it a few months ago. She is a real inspiration. If you ever want cheering up go to Startagain's thread on here too. Amazingly cheerful person. :D:D:D

Bob can't someone talk to OH so he realises he is adding to your stress levels. How about a family meeting - you guys and the kids? Where you are all organised and can fill him in but in a prepared way so he knows he has to listen (kind of like what Firewalker did with the boys and her OH when she felt it was just impossible for her to carry on?)

boredofbeingathome

Ellidee wrote: »

Bob - tell me to mind my own beeswax BUT can't help wondering what DOES he spend his money on ?

I will break it down:

He pays- Council tax-£80 we have it over 12 months
Household insurances- both of them-£40(although i did pay these)
The TV license £12
The Sky bill comes out of this account but i put part of DS and DD's rent money in to cover this. It is £20
The gas and electricity also come out of this account.£58
That brings it to £210
There is a small loan he pays for which is £30 and has about 9 months to run.

He then pays his train fares for the month which comes to £130
There is an overdraft charge for the account use- which does vary.
So out of wages he pays £360
Say £400 to cover essential outgoings. That leaves a substantial amount to pay his credit cards off and give him some spends although i have suggested £50. Bearing in mind he has reduced payments on Credit cards i reckon it should leave him with over £700(this month as the loan finished) clear after those payments have been made. Out of this he could be saving to make full and final payments or half the mortgage. I look at the account and i see dribs and drabs coming out.

Something goes wrong somewhere. One of which is little Direct debits for things such as credit expert which he has canceled but for some reason they are still taking it out. I did have that problem with them last year and they refunded the money.

The mortgage has just gone back to full repayment which means he should be contributing half as otherwise we would be paying longer than the term left which is a stupid thing to do.

I took on the mortgage payment which did reduce when our fixed rate ended. That equates to around £440 on top of this i cover my own expenses, car loan( which has finished) car expenses etc. travel is also around £80-£100 i also pay out all of the food. Anything left after this i pay off debts. I also paid towards the other loan. I am simplifying it a bit as when i did the full budget planner, i account for other things such as dentist etc. To be honest i don't put that money aside- preferring to overpay things.

Ellidee

:(Sorry Bob but I was thinking maybe he has an expensive hobby or something along those lines.

boredofbeingathome

ZTD wrote: »

• You broach the subject of him spending less on himself.
• He shouts.He mostly sulks and gets defensive
  
• You shut up.I don't and i get nasty
  
• Job done.Yes it does eventually as he goes off in a huff but nothing gets resolved
  

And there was meant to be some kind of mystery in there?

You'll not get a Nancy Drew book out of it...



He exploits your weaknesses in order to get his own way.True we know each other well i know his and he knows mine.

You may consider that keeping a roof over your heads and food on the table are not weaknesses, but if they can be exploited by others, then they're not strengths.I won't let the roof go from over my head it is my priority-even if i have to have a space under the patio:D



It doesn't matter if he earns more or less. If he is not paying his way - no matter what percentage of the total way that is - then you're not being unfair pointing it out.

I agree with the last statement and he will have to see the fairness of it.
Tonight i told him i have taken the money out of the account and he seemed relieved that i have made that decision. He said it was fine i suppose it probably needed me to step up and take charge a bit more. He said he thinks constantly about it and we need to have one account for bills- it isn't rocket science but seems like it has been hard work to get him to this stage.
I am probably explaining myself badly- it is hard to get out of the little habits we have got into. I want to go forward and as i said right at the beginning of this thread i need to overcome a few things one of which is the way i approach him and it has to be a solution rather than a problem.

SW- We have had the conversation with the offspring, particularly when things were bad a few times. It is a long journey and sometimes we have to re trench and take stock, so we will be all sitting down in the next week. DD and DS are very supportive of me and DD1 always seems to have the measure of her dad very well-even if she relies on me to sort him out. She has a good way of looking at things and is outside as such so sees with clear eyes. She doesn't approve of the diary and i thought she had found me once on here, so had a panic attack and went into hiding for a while. But it was a false alarm:o

boredofbeingathome

Ellidee wrote: »

:(Sorry Bob but I was thinking maybe he has an expensive hobby or something along those lines.

Well he spends a bit at the pub quiz and whitters money away on take- aways on the nights i am not here- he doesn't stick to his budget. The spar does a roaring trade in beer as well. I was surprised for example that he spends £3 here and there and it is all on the card- it is always in the same place and he admitted it was for coffees, sandwiches etc. He used to do that on his credit card- don't ask me why because i don't understand it as he paid interest on that.
It all mounts up- Mr.B doesn't do a spending diary, it is all on his statement. So at least he doesn't hide it.

boredofbeingathome

Nargleblast wrote: »

I see you are wading through treacle again, Bob - but I think you did right re the mortgage payment. He has to see it come out of his account - you can't always be expected to pay it all yourself, and the money fairy doesn't really exist. Well, you and I know that, but sometimes our OHs seem to be under the impression that she will fly in and save the day.
I am sure things will work out in the end, and he can't accuse you of not doing your bit. You are supposed to be a team, after all.

Hang in there - if all else fails, he'll just have to eat turnips for the rest of the month!

Just facing up to a few hard turnips I want to work as a team as i see that as the key to clearing everything quickly. Turnips are good- turnip mash, turnip chips, turnip medley, stirfry..mmmm:drool::rotfl:

beanielou

Could he maybe not contribute to part of the food bill?