So angry with myself

Ames

skintscotslass wrote: »

I agreed with puddy...surely you are saving the LA as buying a house means that they dont have to pay your HB anymore? Exactly my reasoning, but the DWP aren't going to take into account saving a different department money.

I'm sorry that the CAB havent helped you. Do you have Income Maximisation Officers at your local council I have no idea! or a Welfare Rights Office? They do, but they only deal with a specific set of problems. If I don't get any joy with DIAL I'll look into them, and other places. They would be able to help. Or how about Age Concern? I'm sure that they will have dealt with cases like yours. I can't see Age Concern being able to help - I'm only 30, and mum was only 52.

I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this on your own. (((hugs)))

ellie101 wrote: »

hello - I can't offer you much on the practical side but I wanted to say... please don't be angry with yourself. I've been there in some respects after a parent died for me 2 years ago.

I'll send you a PM. I'd advise getting the house on the market asap though. As in situations like this getting a house sold can drag on and on.

You need to look after yourself. And the cheek of it, just because you're not working?? It's emotionally draining and early days, stuff like this should be shared out. Though often isn't. Like I said, dad has less emotional capabilities than a slug! He just doesn't see how dealing with it all can be emotional. He didn't understand when I got upset about him saying he'll throw everything out. And it's been three months, with six months warning, so I should be over it by now in his opinion.

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

It's usual for there to be an insurance policy in place to cover a mortgage, isn't it? One that pays out the balance of the mortgage on death. She couldn't afford it, because of being on minimum wage and being nearly fifty when she took the mortgage over, the premiums were just too high.

Bloomin multi quote only letting me do three at a time, I'll get on with the rest of the thread now...

Savvy_Sue

Your sister taking over the car: you need to set a 'fair' value on it, and deduct that from her 'half' of the estate when it is settled. It's not a problem unless you want to make it one, IMO. Or unless she makes an issue of it.

Oldernotwiser

I'm glad to hear that you're getting some support from your sister now; perhaps you'll have more chance of getting her to understand your situation than you would your father.

You seem to be more together at the moment which is fantastic - it must be such a difficult time for you.

Ames

Thanks. Sister really wanted dad to have the house so that our childhood home stayed in the family, but it's just not worth all the hassle he's putting us through.

ONW, I'm not sure about being more together, I think it's only just starting to hit that mum's gone.

Savvy_Sue

BTW, in what I'm about to say I'm not suggesting you don't have MH problems, but you sound as if you're doing really well in a very difficult situation: you've got pressure coming at you from all sides, yet you're appreciative of how other people may be feeling and perceiving your actions or lack of them.

And TBH I don't think you have any reason to beat yourself up over the delays. Bereavement knocks you for six. Even if it's expected, even if there's a will, even if there's someone more than capable of dealing with 'stuff'.

I do hope that talking to your sister will help you deal with Dad and the house sale. Sometimes I think it's worth saying "I know you don't really understand how things are for me, but I just can't do X even if you think I should be able to".

Savvy_Sue

I'm not a particularly sentimental person, so bear that in mind ...

My parents sold 'the family home' after I'd moved out, and up-sized to a rabbit warren nearby. Then they downsized to a house which was still far too big for them. Maybe that's why I don't quite 'get' this thing about 'keeping the family home in the family'.

I can see that a house may have many happy memories attached, but surely when the people who helped generate them have moved on / moved out / died, the house itself changes? I remember the first home we lived in: my grandparents lived in the basement so I would sneak down for sweeties if my mum told me off, for example. I remember my other grandparents' house too, and my great aunt's house which had gas lighting and has since been demolished! Mind you I remember the block of flats she moved into after that.

All of these are 'family homes', but we can't hang onto all of them: that way madness lies. Plus what made the memories were the people who lived in them: when I go to visit Mum I still expect to hear Dad shuffling round or mumbling under his breath, practising what he wants to say to her.

As for the 'stuff': yes, it does need sorting through, but be careful how much you hang onto for sentimental reasons. It can become a millstone round your neck.

Having said that, there's a jacket of Dad's hanging in his wardrobe which I can't bear to take to a charity shop. Mum made him and my brothers jackets in this material, and we girls all had skirts. I can see us all now ... I've tried to get my brothers to take it, but of course they won't wear it now (it really is a novelty jacket rather than one you'd actually wear, and they're not jacket wearers!) I hope one of my siblings will 'do the deed', when I'm not looking ...

Ames

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

BTW, in what I'm about to say I'm not suggesting you don't have MH problems, but you sound as if you're doing really well in a very difficult situation: you've got pressure coming at you from all sides, yet you're appreciative of how other people may be feeling and perceiving your actions or lack of them. Thanks, although I'm not doing as well as it seems - I'm just not going into detail about how it's all affecting me.

And TBH I don't think you have any reason to beat yourself up over the delays. Bereavement knocks you for six. Even if it's expected, even if there's a will, even if there's someone more than capable of dealing with 'stuff'. Thanks, everyone keeps telling me that, but getting it through to dad is impossible. He just doesn't 'do' emotion and can't understand it in others.

I do hope that talking to your sister will help you deal with Dad and the house sale. Sometimes I think it's worth saying "I know you don't really understand how things are for me, but I just can't do X even if you think I should be able to". Sister's ok with that, but to dad mental illness just doesn't exist. When I say I can't do xyz, he just says I should stop being silly, there's no reason to be afraid of (say) using the phone, or being paranoid about neighbours talking about me, or whatever.

Thanks again everyone for being so supportive.

Ames

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I'm not a particularly sentimental person, so bear that in mind ...

My parents sold 'the family home' after I'd moved out, and up-sized to a rabbit warren nearby. Then they downsized to a house which was still far too big for them. Maybe that's why I don't quite 'get' this thing about 'keeping the family home in the family'. I don't get it either. Especially since I spent six months watching her die in there. Plus, I just don't think it's right for a single man to have a big house on his own, it's perfect for a family and it should be used by one.

I can see that a house may have many happy memories attached, but surely when the people who helped generate them have moved on / moved out / died, the house itself changes? That's the argument they give me when I say about the bad memories from the last few months, that 'it's not the same house, we'll be redecorating'. As for happy memories, my mum was abusive (dad got a divorce because of that) and I don't really have many good memories of it, mainly bad ones. And my sister was abused far worse than me. So I really don't understand why she wants to keep it in the family. I remember the first home we lived in: my grandparents lived in the basement so I would sneak down for sweeties if my mum told me off, for example. I remember my other grandparents' house too, and my great aunt's house which had gas lighting and has since been demolished! Mind you I remember the block of flats she moved into after that.

All of these are 'family homes', but we can't hang onto all of them: that way madness lies. Plus what made the memories were the people who lived in them: when I go to visit Mum I still expect to hear Dad shuffling round or mumbling under his breath, practising what he wants to say to her.

As for the 'stuff': yes, it does need sorting through, but be careful how much you hang onto for sentimental reasons. It can become a millstone round your neck. I know, there's not much I want that's sentimental, a couple of ornaments. Mostly I want practical stuff, bits of furniture, some crockery. There's a fair bit of stuff that I'd like to ebay though - some vintage leather and fur (ugh) coats and things. Stupid things, like a big chinchilla cage that dad was going to take to the tip but should make a few quid on ebay or gumtree.

Having said that, there's a jacket of Dad's hanging in his wardrobe which I can't bear to take to a charity shop. Mum made him and my brothers jackets in this material, and we girls all had skirts. I can see us all now ... I've tried to get my brothers to take it, but of course they won't wear it now (it really is a novelty jacket rather than one you'd actually wear, and they're not jacket wearers!) I hope one of my siblings will 'do the deed', when I'm not looking ...

I'm not an emotional person either, but we want the chance to keep things if we want to. It's more the principle of it not being any of his business, along with a bit of a worry about missing something we'd want because to him it's 'worthless'.

Oldernotwiser

Is there enough "stuff" to enable you to start an Ebay business selling it and claiming WTC instead of ESA? That way, you could still buy yourself a house, even if you had to go back on ESA eventually.

Mojisola

You need to find out what the problem with the electrics is before your sister starts decorating.