So angry with myself

Ames

I'm really sorry to be writing this, but I need to vent and get it out, and fresh perspectives would be a big help.

My mum died in April, as the eldest child I'm dealing with all the paperwork. I have severe mental illness and a physical illness to. To be honest, my head's been in the sand for the last couple of months and I haven't been able to face up to all the forms. It's only started to hit me in the last week or so that she's really gone, and I think that I was subconsciously ignoring the forms because it would make me face up to it.

I can't keep putting it off any longer though, so the probate forms will go in next week.

I'm on benefits because I can't work due to my health conditions. This is where it all gets tricky.

I've got a thread on the benefits board which goes into the details, but basically when I get my share of the inheritance my means tested benefits will stop. I wanted to buy a house, which I could do outright, but they told me on the phone that it would be deprivation of capital and I'd be treated as still having the money. Having done some research I think that they were just fobbing me off, especially since in the long run it will be cheaper for the state if I buy property than use the money to live off and go back onto benefits after a few years.

Mum's house is in a poor state of repair, so dad says he'll sell his house and buy hers from me and my sister, giving us more than it's worth.

But, him and my sister are saying that as it's got so late in the year, by the time probate goes through it'll be too late to sell, so they want to wait till next spring/summer.

There's a good chance though that my means tested benefits will stop as soon as I inherit, as obviously I'll have a capital asset, and would be expected to cash it in asap. The rules are complicated, but I'll definitely be assessed as having access to capital, it's just how much they say it's worth that'll be difficult to assess.

So, after all that explanation, I'll get to why I'm so angry.

Firstly, that I've built a rod for my own back by waiting so long to put the forms in. It'll mean losing half of my benefits for at least 6-8 months, until dad's house sells. I can scrape through, but it'll mean my care needs wont be met and I'm terrified of how I'll cope. I've been in the benefits system for long enough that I should have realised this earlier, instead of in the last few days.

Secondly, I had a few hundred pounds saved up, which I ran down while mum was ill. I was doing a 150 mile round trip every week, so there was extra diesel costs, and I kept buying little things to make things easy for her. Like, an electric tin opener, her favourite sweets because her doctor said she needed more sugar, a TV because hers went on the blink and she was stuck in all the time. Bits of clothes because she was losing weight so rapidly. At the time I just thought I'd be able to replace the savings when I got my inheritance - I can't believe I was so naive.

Thirdly, I've ended up being responsible for the funeral bill. The funeral director said that as I'm on benefits I could be eligible for a grant, so the family thought it was best to put me down as responsible. As for months my grandad had been telling mum he'd cover the bill, I didn't think of it as a risk - but as soon as the FD had left he told me and my sister to sell mum's car and possessions at rock bottom prices to raise the money (my sister's taken mum's car as hers was falling apart, so that's not an option). When I went to fill in the 'grant' forms, I realised it was a social fund loan, not a grant, so there was no point applying, as it wouldn't change things, just add an extra layer of bureaucracy. There's enough in mum's bank account to cover the funeral costs, but as I'm likely to see my income drop I could have really done with that cash. Again, I can't believe how stupid and naive I was.

On top of all that, dad keeps getting on at me to go and clear mum's house out. I don't really want to have to do it, and not on my own, but I know it needs doing. I'm just getting really resentful that I'm under so much pressure to get everything done and sorted, when it's going to make my life so much harder! I can't get through to them that the DWP have the right to take a detailed interest, my sister especially is very indignant at the thought that they can pressure me to sell the house when it affects her. And as they don't understand, they're making all kind of suggestions that would be fraud, or at the least deprivation of capital - buy a new car, go on a couple of foreign holidays a year, or even just not tell them about the inheritance :eek:

I'm probably making them out to be worse than they are, they just don't/can't understand the situation I'm in, and want the best for all of us. I know people will say I need to grow a pair and stand up to them, but my health is on a downward spiral and I just can't fight these big battles at the same time as dealing with that and all the paperwork.

Wow, that turned out to be waaaay too long, I'm sorry.

Valli

With all due respect I think your family have been a bit naive here - I mean were you REALLY the person best able to deal with all this? Age doesn't matter - the fact that you are the eldest child is irrelevant.

Technically (and simply) an estate is wound up by selling all the assets and collecting in any monies owed to the deceased (ie to the esate), deducting all the costs - ie costs associated with the death, paying up unpaid bills (eg care home) then the residue is what is left to be divided up according to the will.

So the car your sister took had a value. By taking it she has deprived the estate of this value - it should be factored in and then her inheritance reduced by the (agreed) value of the car.

Your father is further complicating things by paying more than the house is worth (why?)
Your sister and father are further complicating things by saying the house cannot be sold now.

If you have to sort everything out you make the decisions on when to sell and to whom. Your dad is causing uneccesary complications for you.

If they aren't happy with arrangements maybe they should take over.

shy-but-need-help

Have you tried contacting one of the mental health or disability charities for advice, you most likely won't be the first person they've encountered in this situation and they can be very good for advocating on your behalf, especially with complex benefits issues (I've noted they tend to get listened to more and documented more reliably than your average Joe.)

As Valli points out your family are being unfair to you, purely because you are oldest doesn't make you the automatic choice, I have MH issues and one thing I am addressing at present is the fact my extended family have gotten used to being able to box me into a corner on issues as they know I am the one most willing to "cave" or compromise for the sake of keeping everyone happy, when others in my family with perfect mental health then get to go along with everything going their own way. Your situation won't be alien to the advisors at CAB or a mental health charity, please contact them.

Ames

Valli wrote: »

With all due respect I think your family have been a bit naive here - I mean were you REALLY the person best able to deal with all this? Age doesn't matter - the fact that you are the eldest child is irrelevant. As far as my family are concerned, I'm the only person to deal with it. I don't work so have all the time in the world to deal with it (as they see it). Also, my sister lives 200 miles away, I'm only 70.

Technically (and simply) an estate is wound up by selling all the assets and collecting in any monies owed to the deceased (ie to the esate), deducting all the costs - ie costs associated with the death, paying up unpaid bills (eg care home) then the residue is what is left to be divided up according to the will. No will, but the rest is right - she didn't owe anything much (about £4, yes four pounds. Although the way Talk Talk are being it might as well be 4million, and dealing with them's a nightmare because mum inconveniently didn't tell me all of her passwords etc.)

So the car your sister took had a value. By taking it she has deprived the estate of this value - it should be factored in and then her inheritance reduced by the (agreed) value of the car. Nearer 3k, but when I agreed to her having it I thought it was worth about 1k. When I said I wanted the half value back she went mad at me for going back on my word and being money grabbing. I think I'd said something about her having the car and I'd have the furniture, but that was when I thought I'd be able to buy my own place.

Your father is further complicating things by paying more than the house is worth (why?) To be nice, I guess. Mum's house is worth about 140k, he'll sell his for the most he can get, keep a few grand back and we pay off mum's mortgage and split the rest between me and sister. We should get a few k more than we would putting mum's on the open market, and save on some fees.
Your sister and father are further complicating things by saying the house cannot be sold now. Again, they just want the best price, which apparantly means selling in Spring/early summer, not autumn/winter as it'll be when everything's sorted.

If you have to sort everything out you make the decisions on when to sell and to whom. Your dad is causing uneccesary complications for you. I know, especially since he's already started doing up mum's house. It's a nightmare, but it's not just my decision, sister has to agree too, and she has a point that me being on benefits shouldn't mean she loses out on thousands, especially as she lives on the outskirts of London and needs as much as she can to be able to buy a place of her own.

If they aren't happy with arrangements maybe they should take over Dad is happy to sort the house out, but he says he'll just chuck anything that's not valuable, whereas there's things I want to keep that are only sentimental. Dad can't do the forms as he's not related, and sister's too busy working.

I think I'm just feeling a bit unsupported. Every time I've spoken to dad in the last couple of months it's all about his plans for the house, and nagging me to do the forms. He doesn't really do emotion, and even told my sister off for crying a week after mum died! And he never had to sort his parents' house out when they died, so he doesn't realise how hard it is for me.

RAS

Ames

I am really angry - with your family. What a load of ungrateful moaning irresponsible whinging !!!!!!!!!!s.

And not only that, but their solutions all involve you having placing yourself in jeopardy. And even if they made sense, taking a couple of expensive holidays to get your capital down is not going to leave you able to buy a house.

You need to cut lose, love.

Tell dad that he should have had his house on the market for months. Unless is in on by next week, the deal is off.

Get three quotes for the value of the house and put it on the market next week as well.

Will pm later.

Ames

shy-but-need-help wrote: »

Have you tried contacting one of the mental health or disability charities for advice, you most likely won't be the first person they've encountered in this situation and they can be very good for advocating on your behalf, especially with complex benefits issues (I've noted they tend to get listened to more and documented more reliably than your average Joe.) I contacted DIAL (who deal with all my benefits stuff for me when it's renewal time) four weeks ago and I'm still waiting for them to get back to me, about the deprivation of capital thing. I emailed MIND info and Mind legal. The legal side got back to me, but just picking up on a couple of background points and telling me to see my GP as I'd mentioned I was suicidal. They didn't really say anything about the rest of it, other than to get power of attorney sorted to protect the money when I get it to stop me blowing it all (one of my main concerns, I'm really scared of having to handle so much money), but there isn't anyone who can do that for me.

As Valli points out your family are being unfair to you, purely because you are oldest doesn't make you the automatic choice, I have MH issues and one thing I am addressing at present is the fact my extended family have gotten used to being able to box me into a corner on issues as they know I am the one most willing to "cave" or compromise for the sake of keeping everyone happy, when others in my family with perfect mental health then get to go along with everything going their own way. Your situation won't be alien to the advisors at CAB or a mental health charity, please contact them.

CAB here are useless, I've been to them twice, and both times my situation was made a lot worse.

Sorry to hear your family are so good at getting you to do stuff, sounds like mine!

My dad and sister are a bit skeptical about my illnesses anyway. As far as dad is concerned, mental illness doesn't exist. He accepts my physical problems, finally though. And my sister said when I told them I couldn't buy a hosue that it'd be a good thing for me to realise that there's a life without benefits because then I'd go get a job.

RAS

Ames wrote: »

CAB . And my sister said when I told them I couldn't buy a hosue that it'd be a good thing for me to realise that there's a life without benefits because then I'd go get a job.

Charming. You owe her nothing Ames.

Ames

RAS wrote: »

Ames

I am really angry - with your family. What a load of ungrateful moaning irresponsible whinging !!!!!!!!!!s. Hey don't hold back, say what you really think! :rotfl:

And not only that, but their solutions all involve you having placing yourself in jeopardy. And even if they made sense, taking a couple of expensive holidays to get your capital down is not going to leave you able to buy a house.

You need to cut lose, love.

Tell dad that he should have had his house on the market for months. He wont put it up for sale until he knows he can buy mum's house. He has it in his head that as there's no will there's no guarantee that probate will give it to me and my sister and is certain that the government can step in and take it for themselves. Unless is in on by next week, the deal is off.

Get three quotes for the value of the house and put it on the market next week as well. We've had two quotes. But it can't go on the market till we've had the grant of probate. Which, again, is my fault it's been so long.

Will pm later.

I probably do need to cut loose, but I'm very isolated and it would mean making that even worse. I'm just too scared.

Ames

I've calmed down a bit now. I suppose I should put the other sides to this. For instance, my sister could be on here saying:

I'm so angry with my sister, she's taken nearly three months to do the paperwork for mum's estate, which means that instead of buying my own place I'm stuck paying dead money renting, and I have to keep paying interest on my debts instead of being able to pay them off. I did my side - making phonecalls to get companies to write out because her mental illness makes using the phone hard for her, all she had to do was send a few letters and forms off. Now it's going to be too late in the year to sell so I'm in limbo for a whole year. She doesn't work and lives a lot closer than me, but she still can't be bothered to go and sort through all mum's stuff, she's expecting me to help in my holidays. And to top it all off, she says the benefits agency can put pressure on her to sell quickly, what about my right to get the best price?

Or dad:

I've been reminding my daughter for months to get the paperwork done for her mum's estate but she keeps making excuses and putting it off. It's not like it was a surprise, her mum was terminally ill for six months, so she knew it was coming. It needs to be done and just dragging it out is pointless, she should just bite the bullet and do it - like pulling off a plaster. If she's not careful the government will take it all since her mum never made a will. I keep trying to tell her that if she has to live off it she should have fun, but she's so paranoid she thinks the benefits agency will want to see every receipt she gets until it's gone! A new car and holidays aren't unreasonable expenses, everyone deserves them, and it's not like she's using benefits to pay for them.


I'm not going to be online for a couple of days - I'm going over to start going through her stuff, and it's probably not a good idea to read this thread on dad's computer! So don't think I'm ignoring any replies.

RAS

Ames

Hope you did not mind my previous comments?

You can put the house on the market before you get probate, but you cannot exchange contract until it is done.

You can see things from your father and sister's side, well this is my side of Ame's needs.

The fact that your mother made no will is completely irrelevent; the outcome is almost certainly what she wanted.

With respect to your father, there is no way the Goverment can take the money and it is quite reasonable to take two years to get probate sorted. In fact, given the problems with benefits, it is very much to your advantage to ensure that probate is not granted until less than 6 months before the house is sold. Your father and sister are massively complicating things by involving dad in the deal. if your father really is prepared to pay over the odds, let you sell the house on the open market and he can give the extra money to your sister directly. He could do that now and she would have no problem paying off the credit card debts.

If you father wants to buy the house, then he has to agree to put his house on the market now. There is no reason why he could not have done that three months ago if he wanted to go in the spring. You simply cannot afford to risk waiting for him to sell his once the probate comes through, it could be two years in the current market.

If he refuses to do this, you need to put mum's house on the market sharpish ( we went on in September). I really would recommend tidying up a bit. Our EA was really good and he had seen the house in all its glory, every surface two foot high in stuff, unable to get in some rooms for stuff, smelly etc. When I finally got permission to sell (had to get POA and sort out planning permission and sell the plot first), he came round again and was pleasantly surprised because it looked liveable. OK, if anyone sat on the double bed, they would have had a surprise, but.... We had ditched the stinking mattress (straight out the window) and I had layered every duvet, curtain set and blanket, then covered the lot with a bed spread. It looked OK even if it was far from it.

Get rid of the crap and put everything away and it looks so much better.

It is not too late to go on the market; after people return from holiday in August is a good time. So you have several months to sort that out.

With respect to the funeral bill, sorry but your family are cheeky. Happy enough to use the fact that you are on benefits to get the funeral paid but " my sister said when I told them I couldn't buy a hosue that it'd be a good thing for me to realise that there's a life without benefits because then I'd go get a job". Go to the funeral directors an ask them to re-bill "the estate of Ames mother". Then present the bill to the bank and thety will pay it directly to the FD.

I am completely lost as to why you cannot buy a house with this money? Maybe discuss that next week?

And as for your father starting to do things in the house, that has to stop now. He does not own it, nor does your sister and neither of themn has the legal right to do anything right now. It belongs to the estate of Ame's mum, not them.

Valli

When I said about age all I meant was they shouldn't drop this on you because you're the eldest. Your sister has already caused a problem by depriving the estate of assets. You're being walked over here.
Hope it gets sorted.