Problem Husband

silverbirch_3

Sounds like my marriage but i have 4 children, i hadn't realised how bad things had got intill 4 weeks ago when i was singing along to the radio in the kitchen 'love is all around us', my 3 yr old daughter came in, listened for a minute and said 'thats what you need to do', what, i replied, she answered 'fall in love with daddy', alert now i asked 'whys that', she replied ' because you say bad things to each other all the time'. This is when i knew it was time to do something about it, for my kids sake.

He critises everything i do, he regularly says when i put a perfectly cooked meal in front of him 'i;m not eating this crap', this is in front of the children so they then start thinking there is something wrong with the food and won't eat it either. the list is endless.

I recently purchased a book that has really helped me and opened my eyes to the kind of man i'm married too, i just can't believe i never saw it before, i knew i was unhappy but thought everything was my fault.

Please read this book its called 'Power and Control, why charming men can make dangerous lovers' by Sandra Horley, isbn 009188432-2. I got my copy from Amazon. I'm still with my husband but i no longer let his critisism get to me, i know its his problem, not mine and i am making plans to get out. As i'm jobless and looking after young children its going to take me time but the book is helping me through it. I am currently reading it for the 3rd time, as soon as i finish it i just start again from the beginning. My husband knows that something is different, he knows he doesn't get to me anymore, his comments no longer hurt me so he's trying a new tactic now, totally ignoring me lol, means he goes to bed at 7.30pm every night so i get the tv remote.

Think he's waiting for me to say something so he can start an argument but i'm not biting anymore, just letting him get on with it while i get on with my own life.

System

Big hugs Silverbirch:)

elona

Silverbirch

That is not the only book that could be helpful - there is one called " Men who hate women and the women who love them" also any book on self esteem "I'm ok you are ok" etc.

Putting others down is a classic tactic and if he tried it with anyone else he would get instant and unpleasant retribution which is probably why he picks on you. He could suffer from low self esteem (justifiably) and thinks he is building himself up by tearing you down.

It might be worth keeping a diary of his behaviour so that you can monitor any changes and realise how bad it is so he does not get away with it for longer than it takes for you to have an escape route.

Good luck.

culpepper

Silverbirch,how about giving the kids their meal at a different time?
You could always say they are too hungry to wait till dad is home .
That way they wont have to hear his mean comments and wont feel too scared to eat their own meal.
Sounds awful, if my OH had ever said that to me, he would have ended up with it all over his face.

jellyhead

sorry to be flippant but if a man or child doesn't like my cooking they can cook for themselves. my hubby's not keen on my cooking (but he's a lovely hubby, he's never nasty) so he cooks more often than i do. problem solved :-)

but your situation doesn't sound very nice silverbirch *HUGS* i'm not suggesting divorce if it's not what you want but for anyone thinking about it i'd just like to point out that it's not always a bad thing for the children. i really wasn't bothered when my dad left, none of us were except for my mum. my sister and her husband split about 18 months ago following years of sniping at each other and a nasty critical atmosphere. the children were 6 and 4 and they seem happy now. they see their father for 2 nights a week and he's a great father, they just couldn't get on as a couple. sis and her ex still don't like each other but it's turned out well for the children, they have 2 happy loving parents. in their case splitting up has got to be much nicer than staying together would have been. counselling could work though, if you want to try and mend the relationship.

mightymo_2

Silverbirch - big hugs to you.

Be strong - and you will get through this! Have you asked him to leave?

Mo x

pickle

Hi silverbirch,
Sounds like he's trying everything to provoke a reaction, first criticisms and then ignoring you. Just you keep focusing on what you want and block him out as much as you can. You need a reply in your head so when he throws a criticism your way you can think the reply. If he thinks the dinner is crap, well then there's only one place for it, isn't there?! Spend as much time as possible with friends or family who give you good feedback so you can feel stronger. Tell them, if necessary what a hard time your'e having.

silverbirch_3

Thanks for the support everyone, i feel like i've hijacked the original post.

My family think he's great, he is completely different around other people. I lost contact with my friends within a year of meeting him (didn't realise until recently how effectively he's isolated me)

From reading the book i now feel i understand his behaviour, alot of it is down to his low self esteem, he feels he has to bring me down to make him feel better. Not making excuses for him but understanding his behaviour makes it easier for me to shrug it off rather than taking it to heart. His comments don't upset me anymore except when he says things in front of the children. That hurts to feel diminished in your childrens eyes.

Youngest child starts school in september so i'm hoping to find a job to make me independent from him.

Fit_Like

silverbirch wrote:

Thanks for the support everyone, i feel like i've hijacked the original post.

Hiya Silverbirch, no worries re: above, I'm op, hope everything works out for you.
xx

jellyhead

silverbirch, just in case you need to think about this and have your response prepared - i knew a couple who sound so similar to your situation, when the youngest was ready for school and she mentioned college or finding a job he suddenly decided that it was the right time to have another baby, he wanted to keep her at home isolated. he'd managed to isolate her from her friends but he didn't like the way that some of her relatives had had babies the same time as her youngest and had formed a group, meeting several times a week. he knew nobody else would have another baby so she'd be stuck at home alone with a baby while her support network were in college or working etc. with their youngest kids in school. oddly now they're divorced he's actually a really great father despite being such a terrible husband!