Problem Husband

pickle

Hi Fit_Like,

Sounds to me as if he is bringing you down in a big way. Maybe he's the one with post-natal depression, how has he adjusted to being a parent? Maybe he's projecting all his feelings of inadequacy onto you? If you're not depressed when you are away from him, then you most likely don't have depression. Clinical depression follows you around it doesn't stay in the house. If he seriously thought you were depressed then why be critical of you, surely he should be trying to cheer you up? Being critical of people can be a sign of depression or a sign of a controlling personality. If he's changed his behaviour since the birth of the child maybe he is depressed. It's perfectly normal to feel down and flat when you're with him if he's picking holes in you all the time. There's no right or wrong to being a parent, its a process of trial and error and a time to grow into it. And you are not a lunatic, he's just trying to erode your self esteem don't listen to that rubbish, he's not a doctor is he?

It's hard to ever win on the in-law question. Been battling that one for 15 years myself. I recommend avoidance. I used to fight it out but now i've realised i have to look out for my own interests, so when they come, i leave. I'm pleasant and civil but no more than that and when they visit i'm completely self-focussed or better still, absent. That is, i've stopped reacting to them. Define what you want yourself no one else has the right to decide for you. Your husband should put you first in this situation but often i think they feel powerless against the parental figure and so cave in. I think women often have a history of standing up to their own family so find it easier to draw the boundaries whereas i think men often disengaged rather than confronted during their teenage years so having to suddenly confront parents later down the track comes as a rude shock. Maybe thats a huge generalisation but it's what i've observed. Nevertheless, he has to be able to draw the boundaries with his parents so they don't overstep the mark. It can't be left to you to do it.

If you can find a relationship counsellor then that would be best. Someone objective to chat to about things. Just don't let him grind you down, ok?

carpool72

Hiya fit-like - "criticize the state of the house when mine were small, he never lifted a finger to help and would take his coat off and hang it on the floor, leave his biker gear everywhere, open the mail and discard it where he stood etc. When i pointed out to my OH that I was a one parent family sharing a house with him he had to reconsider the situation." This also sounds like my DH, who I'm having a rocky time with following the birth of my (20monthold) daughter so you're not alone! We tried relate & agreed to set aside time to talk once a week though that's easier said than done sometimes & things are still rocky, but hopefully we're getting somewhere. I just never imagined how much having a child would turn everything upside down and change our relationship completely & I guess that can take time to adjust to. It does sound as if you might be a bit depressed (& never wonder!) - speaking to your HV or GP might help - if you're on an even keel and have more energy yourself it will help you find your way out of this situation.

xx

bylromarha

Can't add more to the sound advice given...I have a 6 month old and I vividly remember my sister saying to me a month after the birth "you can see why so many couples have a rough patch after the birth of the first". I had just bent her ear with stories of sleepless nights, no time for hubby and generally a "my life is never going to be the same" chat.

So be reassured that there are people you can talk to who do understand the situation...you just need to have the strength to seek them out and both of you need to act on the advice given if you do choose to work things through. It can't all be effort on your part...hubby needs to pull his weight too.

Am praying for you and your family and wish you all the best for the future...whatever that may hold.

LCard

Hi Fit Like....Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do. Having gone through a very bleak period with my husband and having a young child I feel for you. I can recommend "Couple Counselling" - that it the Scottish equivalent of "Relate". Not sure where you are but in Edinburgh they are based in Dundas Street.

Fran

Fit_Like wrote:

....................... and for the last year for me its been sheer hell.

........................ but my husband just thinks that I am rubbish at being a mum and constantly criticises me. Which I really take to heart.

..................... he seems hell bend on making my life a misery.

I don't feel any connection with my husband anymore and I often wonder why we got together in the first place as we have nothing in common.

I am at my wits end, after another argument last night, staying in this situation is not good for my health, but I don't know where to go. My brother and sis-in-law recently split and my parents made it clear that he was not welcome back at their house, so I can't go there.

But on the other hand, I think I'll give it one last chance, as I've done about 50 times now, and nothing changes. He says its all my fault and that I've got post natal depression and I am a lunatic, which really knocks my confidence which is quite near rock bottom anyway after the baby. If he is saying these things its obvious that he does not love me anymore, he showed me a picture of us about 13 years ago the other day and said look at you and how sparkly you were and look at you now. So if he feels like that why does he not just go?

Looking at your original post, it seems to me that he has the problem. These kind of comments are mental abuse. Does he also physically abuse you?

Fit_Like wrote:

................ I have tried talking to him and telling him how I feel, but he just defends himself all the time saying that its my fault. I don't feel that he gives me any support, just attacks me when I ask for help/advice. ..........

.........................I don't feel depressed when I am not around him, I am quite an outgoing person and generally enjoy life, I have a part time job, I go to Parents and Toddlers, I have very close friends and also a wide circle of friends (although for some reason I don't want to burden them with my problems at the moment?) But when I am with him, I feel useless at everything from cooking to cleaning to looking after myself and my son, but perhaps I should visit my GP to check this out, maybe I am depressed?

What is stopping you telling your friends about this? What do you think they would say to you?

I don't see how this can be you being depressed, as someone has pointed out you are ok when not with him. He is making you feel useless, not anyone else.

Have a look at the Scottish Women's Aid Website. It sounds like domestic violence to me from what you have said. You may need to go to a women's hostel in order to get away from him and it would be best to be informed about your options first. I had a relationship like that once, and found that he manipulated the situation so that I felt so lacking in confidence and useless that I ended up almost believing the crap that he was telling me. He made derogatory comments about anything or anyone that I had anything to do with until in the end I found I wasn't seeing my friends or doing things I used to.

Whether or not you think it is abuse in your case, it might not be a bad thing to try to get somewhere to go to give yourself the time and space to think about it. Couldn't you stay with a friend for a short time (especially if you have a friend with a small baby/toddler too)? It would certainly help you to discuss it with someone anyway and people have suggested all sorts of counselling etc. Good luck.

kidtechnical

LCard wrote:

I can recommend "Couple Counselling" - that it the Scottish equivalent of "Relate". Not sure where you are but in Edinburgh they are based in Dundas Street.

Thanks for that, I was looking on the Relate website for me before I read Fit_likes post, but there's nothing nearby (N Lanarkshire). I'll look into the couples counselling...

azurepurple

Having read your post and the others I too can recommend counselling. My husband and I had marriage problems also recently which started 1 week prior to the birth of my now 3 month old baby. We are currently having counselling sessions and it has helped us both no end. Although are problems weren't quite the same I was feeling very low also at what should have been a special time. For us the counselling has made us enjoy our lives together and realise what we have got. Before counselling I was all over the place and like you didn't know if to leave my husband. I initially had counselling on my own to help me firstly decide what I wanted to do. Relate can offer you two sessions on your own first to help you decide what you want to do and then you can have counselling together as a couple should you decide you want to try and make your marriage work. Good luck - I hope things improve for you.

Joannekerry

I was once a victim of a physical and mentally abusive marraige. I finally hit rock bottom, very low self esteem, no confidence, felt I could not turn to anyone as my friends were then his friends, family thought he was wonderfull. My turning point was that one night driving home up the motorway I felt I couldn't take anymore and turned the wheel towards the central reservation. All I thought at the time was in a few seconds it will all be over.....then through my mind flashed "no, I will not take anymore of him" and steered away from the crash barriers. I dont know what happened in my mind in those few seconds but I turned my life around. First thing I did was tell my parents exactly what was going on in our marraige (needless to say being a Daddys girl my fathers initial reaction was that he wanted to kill him), then I went into my local and started confiding in my friends, who it turned out that they had there suspicions that all was not right and became overwhelmingly supportive. Once out in the open my husband slowly started to realise that he was the problem and not me. He went to the Doctors and discussed his problems which were narrowed down to alcohol. Unfortunately the drink was worth more than me and after giving it yet another try I faced up to him and told him that one of us had to go. Fortunately for me he was not in a position to take over the mortgage so I bought him out.

Five years later I am now with the most wonderfull man who is kind, loving and understanding. He has helped me so much in getting rid of the bad memories of a relationship and together we have a lovely life.

Fortunately for me I had no children with my ex so my circumstances were easier than what yours are, but I see so many couples who stay together for the sake of the kids and end up making the childs life an unhappy one. Two happy separated parents are far better than two parents who make each other miserable.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do but just remember that you are a good loving mother and a woman who deserves to be loved and respected.

Fit_Like

Thanks once again to everyone for your replies, advise, prayers and wishes of luck. I really appreciate all of them.

We had a good long chat last night and I think I've got through to him, only time will tell on that one.

Grandparents are having child tonight, overnight, so we are off on a "date".

Keep you fingers crossed for us. Definately last chance saloon and I "fingers crossed" thinks he knows it.

xxxx

elona

Fingers crossed for you as I type.:):):)

When you go out don't try to discuss anything serious - just enjoy yourself- if he sees that you have a "sparkle" when with other people it may dawn on him how you are when with others.

Best of luck!