Problem Husband

Fit_Like

I don't know what to do here and wondered if there was any advice from fellow MSE'rs.

I've been married for 10 years, rocky at times but always came through, until now. We have a 20 month old and for the last year for me its been sheer hell. I've never been a maternal person, but I love my child with all my heart and always try to do the best for him, but my husband just thinks that I am rubbish at being a mum and constantly criticises me. Which I really take to heart.

His parents are first time grandparents and were a nightmare in the beginning coming round all the time to see their grandchild, although in the very beginning we were very thankful for their help, so we finally got round this and dropped enough hints for this no longer to be a problem, but they still manage to cause problems between us, but my husband cannot see this, he still sides with them in any argument which drives me mad as I think that his loyalty should be with me, his wife.

So the upshot of all this is that I know in my heart of hearts that I no longer love him in the way I should and realisitically (I think) I want out, but as far as he is concerned we should stay together for the sake of our child, he seems hell bend on making my life a misery. Money is not a major issue for us, but I don't see why my son and I should move and leave my husband with the house so it means we are in stalemate. I've nowhere to go and he won't leave, I don't think he thinks I have the bottle to do anything.

I don't want to make a mistake, is this normal for a couple with a young child? I don't feel any connection with my husband anymore and I often wonder why we got together in the first place as we have nothing in common.

I am at my wits end, after another argument last night, staying in this situation is not good for my health, but I don't know where to go. My brother and sis-in-law recently split and my parents made it clear that he was not welcome back at their house, so I can't go there.

But on the other hand, I think I'll give it one last chance, as I've done about 50 times now, and nothing changes. He says its all my fault and that I've got post natal depression and I am a lunatic, which really knocks my confidence which is quite near rock bottom anyway after the baby. If he is saying these things its obvious that he does not love me anymore, he showed me a picture of us about 13 years ago the other day and said look at you and how sparkly you were and look at you now. So if he feels like that why does he not just go?

aliasojo

I really do feel for you. What a horrible situation to be in.

There are always 2 sides to every story, but the bottom line here seems to be a complete lack of respect for you by your husband. A caring partner would try to sort the issues out rather than just making horrible remarks. I don't know whether you do have post natal depression or not, but blaming you for all the problems and calling you a lunatic because of it is obviously NOT helpful. Your husband appears to be attacking you when he should be supporting you.

The birth of a child can have a huge effect on family life, it's a complete lifestyle change and can take some getting used to. Many couples go through a stressful phase of adaptation before they can settle into a normal relationship again. Have things just got as bad since your son was born? Perhaps your husband feels he's no longer as important and is lashing out at you verbally, as a result.

He needs to realise that continuing to handle things in the same way is only going to make things worse and for your son's sake if nothing else, you and he need to work together to fix things rather than simply sniping at each other.

Have you tried sitting him down and having a really serious conversation about all this? If he's serious about not wanting you and he to split up, why don't you both consider couple counselling? It may not be a magic wand but it might bring certain things home to him a bit more.

I think you do need to do something to tackle the problem though, it's not good for anyone living in an atmosphere where stress and arguments prevail.

At the end of the day, you are the only one who can make the 'stay or go' decision. If you really feel that you no longer love him enough to want to sort things out, then you have to bite the bullet. It may just be that your feelings for him are dead just now because of the constant hassle, if things get sorted out, you may find you do still have some feelings for him.

You do have certain rights though, including the issue of who stays in the house, so if you decide you want to separate, get some legal advice first.

Good luck, I hope things get easier for you.

Yoga_Girl

Hi, thanks for sharing with us.

Adjusting to life with a new baby is one of the most difficult things for a couple to go through, suddenly everything has to take 2nd place to the baby, once you were a carefree couple, the next minute you have to put baby's needs before your own. Some men can find it difficult getting used to sharing you and not being the centre of your attention - have you talked to your husband about this, do you think he's finding it difficult to adjust?

Have you ever considered going to Relate? I know some people have found them helpful and its helped them get their marriage back on track.

Have you talked to your health visitor about how you feel? Becoming a parent isn't always easy and it takes time to develop confidence, it takes time to get to know your baby and each developmental step your baby takes is also a learning curve for you, so please don't be hard on yourself. Do you go to any mother and toddler groups or have any contact with the NCT? Things like that can give you a lot of support.

You mention that your confidence is rock bottom and that your husband feels you are depressed - do you feel depressed yourself? Post-natal depression is very common and doesn't always occur immeditely after the birth, but depression does affect things like your self-esteem, self-confidence, increases negative thoughts, sleep disturbance etc. It might be worth having a chat with your GP. Coping with a baby and having relationship problems is bound to affect you emotionally and its important you get support and help for you.

Do you and your husband spend any time on your own without the baby? When you have a baby its very easy to forget how to be a couple again, how to go on a "date" with each other, and whats important to the both of you to make the relationship work.

Please remember that how you're feeling today isn't a permanent state, you will come through this, big hugs to you, remember to be kind to yourself.

rchddap1

I have to admit that I haven't read all of the posts above, but this is my take on things. No matter how hard you try all the arguements will rub off on your child. My partner split from his wife when his daughter was 6 or 7 years old. Every so often when we were together some would be mentioned and he would ask her whether she would prefer to go back to all of the arguements or for things to remain as they are. Of course she said that she hated the arguements and that she was happier now with them apart.

It is a very personal choice for you and your partner. Of course you have to try everything. You can try and insulate your child from the upset and disagreements, but they will still be affected and will still notice. If your partner is saying that you should stay together because of your child then you should really consider how this will affect them.

Today my partner's daughter is a very happy 13 year old. She has 2 sets of parents (her dad & I, and her mother with her new husband and 3 kids), 4 sets of grandparents, two homes, two birthdays, two christmases. But most of all her parents don't argue any more. She can see that they are happy with their lives and so she is happy. Her school work certainly hasn't suffered either, in fact she is an A grade student and otherwise very normal.

Just think about things carefully, but from the way you were talking / typing I think that you have already made your decision, but are a little scared about doing it.

Good luck

culpepper

Its very easy to be the dad and criticize the mum isnt it?
Your not feeding baby right,you dont discipline right etc, but a family is made up of 2 parents and kids , not mum,kids and him.
Your hubby has caused you to lose your sparkle (its still there really he just no longer sees it).
If he doesnt like how you deal with your baby, hand it to him and say 'There you go,you show me how it should be done'.
My OH used to criticize the state of the house when mine were small ,he never lifted a finger to help and would take his coat off and hang it on the floor,leave his biker gear everywhere,open the mail and discard it where he stood etc .
When i pointed out to my OH that I was a one parent family sharing a house with him he had to reconsider the situation.
Things are better than they were. I finally convinced him,he was a major mess contributor. I think the friendship can come back into your life but it needs communication.If you dont have that,you dont have anything.

Lillibet_2

The thing that stands out most to me is that you aren't really sure & haven't made a definate decision yet.

Firstly you don't say that you don't agree about your husbands suggestion of post natal depression? Have you seriously considered this? Have you spoken to your GP? You may not have post-natal depression but may be depressed. If your husband is open to the idea than he may be the ideal person to help you get past it. I really really think you should check this out before making any big decisions.

Secondly, regardless of the outcome of any GP visit, I would urge you to talk to relate. They will not only be able to help you work through any problems, inculding medical diagnossis & the impact it can have on a relationship, but they will also be able to help you come to a balanced decision. They aren't just their to save marriages, although this is their primary purpose. If you do decide to seperate they will help you deal with the impact of your decision both as a person & as a mother, they will put you in touch with orginizations who can hlep you assert your legal & parental rights. They will try to help you as a seperating couple to keep calm & offer advice on how to deal with the impact of this on your son. Ideally relate like to see couples together but if your husband isn't inclined then still go on your own, not only will you benefit but it will show your husband that you are serious about resoving these problems one way or another.

Good luck & keep us upto date.

Jay-Jay_4

Hi,

I can't advise you because I don't know you but I can tell you what I did when I was in the same situation.

My husband and I used to argue like hell. We had no respect for each other and looking at him made me angry. I used to watch hime eat and shudder with disgust. At the time we had a 1 year old baby which was my excuse for staying ie: I didn't want to hurt our parents and families and I didn't want to be responsible for taking our daughter away from her Dad.

We would scream at each other "you leave! No! YOU leave" and like you neither of us would budge. Then, one day, I poured out all my troubles to a friend. They asked "are you happy?" I said "NO, but I'm not leaving him". My friend pointed out that I was 25 years old and that if I wasn't happy with him now, would I be happy with him in 30 years? of course the answer was "ummmm....no!"

The point being that I would be wasting 30/40/50 YEARS of my life being with him and being unhappy...and for what? I realised that I only have one life and I didn't want to waste it.

That week I got the property page out of the local newspaper and visited all the local estate agents. I phoned WFTC and got them to send me out a form which I filled in and sent straight back. I calmly told my husband that I had decided to leave and that he would be hearing from my solicitor.

4 weeks later I was living my rented home with my daughter and I felt the the weight lifting from my shoulders. Sure my family were upset, my friends were dissapointed for me but everyone got over it because I told them to.

My daughter changed overnight from a clingy child who smacked other children to a pleasant, chilled out toddler. I was so proud of myself for going it alone that it gave me new confidence.

The fear of leaving was far worse that actually getting on with it. It was a big decision but I'm glad that I made it.

kidtechnical

Hi Fit_Like,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Unfortunately being a mum opens you up to all sorts of comments & critisism and it seems that people are extremely good at pointing out the bad, whilst rarely taking the time to point out the good. Perhaps your DH doesn't realise that he's always critisising you, perhaps you're feeling vunerable at the moment & it seems like he's always critisising you. Maybe he is aware that he's critisising you & thinks it's the best way to motivate you - set him straight. You haven't really said if you've had a good chat about things. Regardless of his intentions or motives I think he needs a reminder that yes, like anyone you make mistakes (no one's perfect) but you do a lot right too. Make a list. What are you good at & what needs work. Perhaps you could try giving him a taste of his own medicine by making a list for him too, so he can see that he's not a perfect parent either and see that you both are good parents who need work.

So far as his parents are concerned, you are absolutely right, he should stick by his wife & not cling to his mothers apron strings. As an adult it's his responibility to do this diplomatically. If he's unable or unwilling to do this I would personally take the opportunity next time it arises to let them know how you feel - at the moment they're probably only getting DS perspective on things & forgetting that there's your side. With 30ish years parenting under their belts they probably can't resist the urge to chip in their opinion or personal experience & may or may not realise this is causing you problems. I would pointing out that they not only have the benefit of hindsight, but also 30 year old parenting information. As a mother of a toddler in the here & now & not living back in the 70's you'll be basing most of your parenting desisions on current information, whilst they will be looking back with rose tinted glasses - my experience is that grannies/grandpas don't go out of their way to update their information & any resistance to 'their ways' is met with comments like "oh I don't know how we ever got you past your first birthday" and "we never knew any of that then & you're ok". A diplomatic way of getting this across to them would be to point out that "they made the desisions they made with the information available to them at the time" so if she ate liver all through her pregnancy, smoked, they bottle fed their baby, put it in it's own room the night it came home from hospital, lay it on it's tummy with a zillion layers of blankets with it's head at the top of the cot, put it on solids at 2 months, left it in a baby walker for 12 hrs a day, left it to cry itself to sleep, told it it was going to the bad fire if it was cheeky etc etc then you're sure they had their reasons for doing so at the time and equally you have your reasons for doing things differently, your way. Don't feel that you have to justify everthing you do either, at the end of the day in this country Grandparents have NO legal rights over their grandchildren and I think most learn pretty quickly to be diplomatic & keep their noses out to keep harmony in the family. I was so worried about my mum I had anxiety dreams where she took over all through my pregnancy, thankfully my mum has been great & never opens her mouth, just listens & follows my instructions re the kids because she respects that they are MY kids & I have to learn.

If you really feel that there's no hope for the relationship then you should seek legal advice. However, if you think that there's any chance of reconcilation you should give it a go. Becoming a parent is a whole nother kettle of fish to being a couple, you have to learn to relate to one another on a whole new level & between hormones, sleep deprevation & just general feelings of inadaquacy (that I beleive every parent feels at times) it's not always easy. I would recomment you give Parentline a call for a confidential chat. Then I would contact your HV & see if there are any initiatives running in your area (Sure Start run parenting courses as well as baby/toddler groups), the NCT is also a good place for fact based information on just about any subject (breastfeeding, weaning, sleep, tantrums) and they also have a helpline, give them a call & see if they have a local branch, I found after the birth of my 2nd they were a great support & wish I'd known about them when DS1 came along. Relate also do parenting courses as well as couples councelling (I've just been on their website for me & whilst they have no one near me they offer online & telephone councelling at a price).

It's unfortunate that hubby decided to dig out a 13 yr old pic of you to show how 'sparkly' you used to be. I doubt that there's anyone on this forum who doesn't look 'sparlier' in 13 yr old photos, such is life, time marches on & all that, deal with it DH. I do feel that this tells a tale about how your DH is feeling, it seems like this just a desperate attempt to show you that a change has occured in you. Perhaps you should have a chat with your HV or GP & they will be able to assess your mental state in a more scientific fashion than just looking at an old bubbly photo! I think it also shows that your DH is looking back at better times & probably feels like your current situation is out of control, but he has to know that 'wishing' things were back to normal isn't productive, you both have to work at getting things back to normal and either one of you laying the blame at the others feet isn't the way to go about it.

Finally, I live in Bonny Scotland too, so if you fancy a chat PM me and if we live anywhere near one another I can let you know of local groups etc cos sometimes knowing what's out there for parents is about being in the right place at the right time & chatting to the right person - it's like a secret society sometimes <g>.

HTH & that things improve for you.

Fit_Like

Many thanks to you all for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

mightymo, thanks for your advice, its funny how when things seem so bleak, and your head is burried in the sand... marriage counselling is something that had never even crossed my mind, so it could be an option.

aliasojo, thanks for your advice too, I have tried talking to him and telling him how I feel, but he just defends himself all the time saying that its my fault. I don't feel that he gives me any support, just attacks me when I ask for help/advice. Although in saying that I do think that he is a good dad and would do anything for our son. I have wondered that maybe because of the constant hassle is why I dont have any feelings and that if we do manage to sort things out that I will still have some feelings.

Yoga Girl, your big hug made me smile and made me cry, you made a lot of sense, thanks.

rchddap1, thanks for your advice too and I think that it has made me think to try again once and for all.

culpepper, thanks also for your advice, this sounds like my husabnd, "criticize the state of the house when mine were small, he never lifted a finger to help and would take his coat off and hang it on the floor, leave his biker gear everywhere, open the mail and discard it where he stood etc. When i pointed out to my OH that I was a one parent family sharing a house with him he had to reconsider the situation." Was there anything that you did differently that made him listen?

Lillibet, thanks for your advice, I don't feel depressed when I am not around him, I am quite an outgoing person and generally enjoy life, I have a part time job, I go to Parents and Toddlers, I have very close friends and also a wide circle of friends (although for some reason I don't want to burden them with my problems at the moment?) But when I am with him, I feel useless at everything from cooking to cleaning to looking after myself and my son, but perhaps I should visit my GP to check this out, maybe I am depressed?

Jay-Jay, Many thanks for your advice too, and more power to your elbow! I've had the stay/go/wasting my life argument with myself and never concluded it. Excuse my ignorance, but what is the WFTC? I wish you all the very best for the future.

Spendless

WFTC _ working families tax credit, i think it is now called WTC (working tax credit).

I think jay-jay meant she contacted them to see what benefits she would be entitled to once she became a single parent.

I notice you were married 8 years before children. That's a long time for you to be able to do what you want, when you want. Kids change all of that!!

I have a nearly 5 and nearly 2 year old and find them hard work, especially the eldest, with no time for myself.

Since the grandparents seem smitten why not get them to babysit one evening so you can go out and talk to your husband about why your not happy and what could be done to improve things.

Good Luck
xx

elona

Fit like

Do me a favour and dig out a 13 year old picture of your husband - look at it carefully and IF he is completely unchanged physically then obviously you are doing a better job of looking after him than he is of looking after you.

If you can cope away from him then I would doubt if you are actually depressed but you certainly seem unhappy.

I know you say your parents would not support your brother but they may be different with you if they realise how unhappy you are.

The best of luck. Next time you are told you have lost your sparkle - point out that unending criticism can have that effect.