Someone give me a shake please

The_Rizler

Hi Earl Grey,
Sorry you're having a naff time at the mo, everyone has said great things and if you want to you can wallow in the moment but my best friend told me to make a list of 'firsts', to think of all the things I wanted to do, make a list and start doing them (refuse to call it bucket list but some may call it that now).

It can be anything start small and have a few biggies on there so that you've got some big things to aim for. That year I baked a cake (naff cook), learnt to ride a bike, gave a public presentation (really hate doing this but made myself do it), went climbing, wore no underware in public for the first time (really sheltered). There were others but they're my list EarlG make one of your own.
It took my mind away from wallowing (yep I was in the same predicament) and made it a fun year instead of lost, then I could say that last year was when I.... loosing the bf is painful especially when he gave you a 'maybe' but it's not to be. The list also gave my friend and I a good drinking night every so often so that she could stop me wallowing.

Have a year of firsts you won't regret it.

The Rizler

EarlGrey81

Thanks to everyone for you advice and kindness and encouragement. I was nervous about posting this as I've seen some real nastiness on these forums sometimes but you've all been so lovely, thank you. Kindness of strangers eh?

flutterbyuk25 wrote: »

First steps...

1. Learn to love you for who you are - sounds corny but if you don't love you then who else will? Remember you are a lovely person who deserves to be happy
2. Can you move out at all? Flatshare if not on your own? This will help you feel more grown up as well as giving you back your independance.
3. Don't dwell on the past. I'm a firm believer in 'everything happens for a reason' and fate.
4. Say yes...to all invites, more people you meet the more doors open. And take chances...ask people (friends/new people) to meet up, if they say no then it's their loss not yours!

You'll be fine

Thanks Flutterby for this practical advice, I know all of this really but on my dark days it's hard not to feel hopeless and wonder what's the point in trying bcause nothing ever works out anyway I am hoping to get moved out soon, the problem with that is it won't leave much spare cash for all the getting-out-and-about!

RatInMeKitchen wrote: »

I tried to look at it from a more positive viewpoint - that not having a steady job, relationship etc. actually made me free to do what I want to do.

Yeah I've tried to think of it as freedom rather than alone-ness, I wish I knew what I want to do so I could have something to pursue though.

I love the idea of working towards goals though and I'm already doing that in some small ways, but then I don't want to concentrate on little things and suddenly wake up at 50 and think "What have I been doing? Nothing's actually changed in my life!"

I'm trying to be positive but it's a struggle at the moment and I'm annoyed at myself because I feel I should be getting over it by now ... and I KNOW I should go easy on myself but we don't do we?

BugglyB

Its very unlikely you will be able to live for 20 years without anything happening now isn't it

One thing I would suggest to you to do is read. Read or if you dont like reading watch films. Now is the perfect time to broaden your horizons, expand your mind. Get a new perspective on life, or several. In times of pain reading has always helped me, escape, but also heal.

In the mean time this is all true, especially the bit I have put in bold. A man and children are not possessions and they can quite easily be a burden if you pick the wrong ones - you only have to peruse the threads on here to see that.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Angel, you are grieving the loss of your relationship and that's only right and natural. We all grieve in our own way and to our own time-scales.

Putting a brave face on things, getting out there and making a life on your own takes courage. Try not to measure your own life and achievements against other people's: they have pains and worries that you cannot be aware of. Being on the outside can make it seem that other people' lives appear perfect to you on the surface but that is most often not the case.

You will make a happy life for yourself and you will stop looking backwards. All you need is time.

At thirty you very possibly have another two decades before having a family becomes a remote possibility. Imagine what could happen in those twenty years.

Have faith my love.

EarlGrey81

Thanks again everyone for your kind words and advice. I've come back on here because I'm having a really rotten day today all of a sudden. I've been OK this last couple of weeks, I did a 10k run for the first time last Sunday so I was working up to that ... see I am setting myself little challenges and things, and a 10k run for me is some achievement! But as with everything I've been doing these last few months, once it's over I just feel terrible again, like I've not got that to focus on any more and I remember why I was so bothered about doing it in the first place, as a distraction. I'm ok during the week because I'm working, but I got up this morning and got showered ready to go out and look in the shops, by myself, for something to do, and I just felt this loneliness hit me like a train and I haven't been able to stop crying.

I still really miss my ex, I wasn't expecting to this far down the line. I just can't understand why he broke it off when what we had was so good. I miss him so much that I'm on the point of texting him to tell him so, or texting his friends to find out how he is/if he's seeing anyone ... I know it's such a bad idea and don't want to know the answer really.

What's so wrong with me? I'm a nice girl, I'm intelligent, have a decent job, am kind, have lots of varied interests - I have a lot going for me, a lot more than a lot of girls I know who only care about their nail extensions and handbags - so why is it always me that ends up on my own??

Sambucus_Nigra

EarlGrey81 wrote: »

What's so wrong with me? I'm a nice girl, I'm intelligent, have a decent job, am kind, have lots of varied interests - I have a lot going for me, a lot more than a lot of girls I know who only care about their nail extensions and handbags - so why is it always me that ends up on my own??

Nothing is wrong with you you silly sausage. You just haven't learned to appreciate yourself yet.

I was single for 6 years; through choice as I'd had enuff of chaps. I found that I actually quite liked it after just a few weeks. I did a degree, moved counties [now that's lonely - moving from Kent to the Midlands], moved jobs, did more studying and moved up the ranks and only when I was ready did I even think about dating again - 3 months later met my OH and that was 7 years ago.

I learned that if you keep questioning yourself and asking WHY ME all the time you just tie yourself up in knots. So you have to relax and just enjoy your own company for a bit.

EarlGrey81

Yeah it IS all Why Me, I know - I hate that. But I'm sick of putting on a brave face and pretending everything's ok and I enjoy my own company because I don't! I did all of the independent stuff when I was single for four years before I met him and thought I'd put it all behind me, I was enjoying having someone to share my life with at last and that's what I want now. But I'm so cut up I can't even contemplate the fickle dating scene, I just wish I was settled like everyone else I know and not having to go through this !!!!.

Sambucus_Nigra

EarlGrey81 wrote: »

Yeah it IS all Why Me, I know - I hate that. But I'm sick of putting on a brave face and pretending everything's ok and I enjoy my own company because I don't! I did all of the independent stuff when I was single for four years before I met him and thought I'd put it all behind me, I was enjoying having someone to share my life with at last and that's what I want now. But I'm so cut up I can't even contemplate the fickle dating scene, I just wish I was settled like everyone else I know and not having to go through this !!!!.

But you have to have the bad times to appreciate the good - that's life!

EarlGrey81

I know. Just sometimes feels like I'm the one having the bad times while everyone else has the good - they look at me and appreciate THEIR lives! That's a terrible thing to say as there are others so much worse off than me, I know.

Thanks for your responses, I'm feeling a bit better now, I think writing it down stopped it swirling about in my head...

Sambucus_Nigra

I don't want to be rude [not like me I know] but have you thought of volunteering? I do some work in various schools and one of them the kids are severely disabled. It really gives you a kick up the jacksie on what really constitutes a bad life. Seriously, some people can't walk talk or use their limbs to even express their bad lives; let along whinge on t'internet about it.

I know that's a very low blow - but one day might just change your life.

skint_chick

I think we've all been there with hating our lives and then feeling guilty because there's nothing majorly wrong - if you have a job, somewhere to live, friends and your health then your head tells you that you shouldn't complain. You seem to be focusing on everything being ok if you have a partner - but from experience it's not the having a partner and settling down that makes everything ok and life easier, it's the feeling happy with what you have.

I found it useful to talk to a counsellor after my last relationship ended especially as I was badly messed around, hurt, and feeling like the only single person ever at 29. Just so you know I met and married my OH within 18 months and while we're happy it takes a lot of work and sometimes I wish I was single because it would be easier - so the grass really isn't always greener!

I also found it useful to keep trying new sporting activities to get endorphins going until I found something I liked - plus adventurous sport activities tend to have men taking part too so you can keep up interaction with them and realise they're not all like your ex - doesn't do any harm to check out some good looking ones either:o

I also made a habit of writing down all my feelings, endless lists of what I missed about ex and what I didn't, things I liked about myself, what I wanted to do with my life etc, it helped me sort out in my head what I was doing and thinking and I felt more in control because I had a plan even if I didn't totally stick to it. Be kinder to yourself and allow yourself some wallowing in pity time but restrict it to say half an hour a day at a set time and then slowly reduce it. Have you thought about joining a club that meets at weekends - sports group/volunteering/Saturday morning college class so you have something to do. Also some of your friends might appreciate some time away from their families and partners for coffee/shopping