Someone give me a shake please

bluenoseam

I'll swap all that for mine

Dad died at 10, cancer at 25 & stuck with the consequences for the rest of my life & if you look up the word "Single" in the Oxford English Dictionary i'm pretty sure there's a picture of me there, if not, then it's under "undateable"

And truth be told, my life is frickin great, i enjoy every day because i know i'm fortunate to have it, so if you want a shake, there it is, your life is nowhere NEAR as bad as it is for other peoples, hell even mine isn't all that bad when you realise the fact there's ALWAYS someone in a worse place than you.

lucyloo77

I really do feel for you, I have felt exactly the same in the past, but I promise you there is hope!

I got married at 29 and thought I had it all sorted - we had a lovely wedding, had bought a flat together, were planning for a family, I thought I'd finally "made it". It was all I'd ever wanted in life. 6 months later he suddenly decided he didn't love me after all and went off with someone he met on Facebook... I ended up back at my mum's house, in my old room, felt completely lost and like a total failure. Just the same as you I felt that all around me my friends/family/colleagues etc had happy marriages, were having babies, getting engaged - and there was me back to square one.

It was incredibly hard to try and pull myself back together and I was a total mess. But I forced myself to try. I moved out of my mum's and shared a house with a girl of a similar age (even though I felt that living with a stranger in a house-share would be the last thing I would be doing at that point in my life, espcially with the flat I part-owned just down the road!). However doing that really helped to build my confidence back up and get me back out there meeting new people etc.

Fast forward to now and I'm 33, living with an amazing man who is a million times more perfect for me, looking forward to buying a house together, and making solid plans for the future. I got divorced and sold my old flat, and now that whole period of my life feels firmly in the past.

I know how much it can make you feel like giving up, but you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forwards as best you can. It sounds like you're trying to do as many positive things as you can already, which is great - even though you heart might not be in it all the time - keep going! It will get better and you'll start enjoying things more and more. As my mum always tells me, you really never know what could be waiting for you round the next corner!

EarlGrey81

Bluenoseam I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, I KNOW there are people so much worse off and yet when I'm in little tizz like this it just doesn't matter
Thanks so much for all your replies, I know I'm wallowing a bit so I really appreciate you taking the time to say something not just tut and roll your eyes, and I feel better already. I do function OK most of the time, I guess it's just some nights when you're in on your own your demons come out to taunt you don't they and everything feels so hopeless. Part of me just wants back what I HAD which doesn't help in moving on.

make_me_wise

A good few years back I was in a similar position as you describe OP. Kept plastering a smile on, getting out there mixing and meeting people. My mates thought I was the life and soul of the party and always up for a laugh. No-one guessed how much I had to force myself to be doing it all. Its bloody exhausting isn't it hun.

All my mates seemed to drift through life without a care and have good luck just land in their laps. Thats how I saw it but it was rarely so straightforward for them. However perfect other peoples lives appear we all get our fair share of 'crap hitting the fan'. Took for a revelation from a friend about just how hard things were for him to make me put my life into perspective.

My advice is dont compare your life to other peoples. Do what makes you happiest. Until you are contented and fullfilled in your own life I think it makes it harder to let people in who will be good for us.

Think about all the things going on for you right now that are good and aim at building on that list

soup

If you don't like or want kids but prefer dogs, and don't smoke or do drugs then I may be interested.

Ballyhoo

I didn't want to read and run.

Earl Grey - you do need a shake. But NOT the "buck up you miserablist" sort. You HAVE had a hard time and you DON'T have to be okay about it. People get tied up in knots wondering why they aren't happier and all it does is heap guilt on top of their completely justifiable feelings.

Yes, you are 30. Yes, you have had a tough time. And yes, you've been mucked about by a congenital idiot. You didn't want these things to happen and you certainly didn't deserve them. So stop any thoughts like that for a start - they'll only hold you back.

What do you want?

By that, I don't mean "turning back time and doing things differently" because you already know that's a hiding to nothing. You're on MSE so I'm guessing you dont have instant cash to treat yourself - but is there something you have always wanted to do and haven't - it could be ANYTHING because guess what - your life is full of possibilities and you dont have to please anyone but yourself. Save up for it, stick photos on your wall, whatever works. It could be something trivial like getting your first facial (highly recommended) or photography classes or (this was mine) making your very own homebrew (takes all sorts - and I have small dreams). Or you could do the whole blow out holiday to Africa if that's your dream.

I'm not kidding. Think of something you want to do for yourself. ANYTHING. Then do it - just you and your ambition fulfilled. It will be amazing. And you'll feel amazing. Side effects may include smiling and delirious happiness.

EarlGrey81

make_me_wise wrote: »

Its bloody exhausting isn't it hun.

Yes, and very depressing too!

All my mates seemed to drift through life without a care and have good luck just land in their laps. Thats how I saw it but it was rarely so straightforward for them.

I could have written that sentence, and I know how bitter that must make me sound. Genuinely, most of my friends have nothing worse happen to them than say a grandparent die, which at our age is pretty normal. An even the ones who do have something to complain about, they are still in these loving stable relationships and are going through it 'together' - I'm sick of being on my own all the time and having to do everything and face everything alone. (I know whinge whinge!)

Soup, that's the whole thing - I DO want kids which is why I'm so devastated to find myself in this position at my age, if biology wasn't an issue perhaps I wouldn't feel this sense of dread that life isn't going to pan out how I always assumed it would.

EarlGrey81

Ballyhoo wrote: »

I didn't want to read and run.

Earl Grey - you do need a shake. But NOT the "buck up you miserablist" sort. You HAVE had a hard time and you DON'T have to be okay about it. People get tied up in knots wondering why they aren't happier and all it does is heap guilt on top of their completely justifiable feelings.

Yes, you are 30. Yes, you have had a tough time. And yes, you've been mucked about by a congenital idiot. You didn't want these things to happen and you certainly didn't deserve them. So stop any thoughts like that for a start - they'll only hold you back.

What do you want?

By that, I don't mean "turning back time and doing things differently" because you already know that's a hiding to nothing. You're on MSE so I'm guessing you dont have instant cash to treat yourself - but is there something you have always wanted to do and haven't - it could be ANYTHING because guess what - your life is full of possibilities and you dont have to please anyone but yourself. Save up for it, stick photos on your wall, whatever works. It could be something trivial like getting your first facial (highly recommended) or photography classes or (this was mine) making your very own homebrew (takes all sorts - and I have small dreams). Or you could do the whole blow out holiday to Africa if that's your dream.

I'm not kidding. Think of something you want to do for yourself. ANYTHING. Then do it - just you and your ambition fulfilled. It will be amazing. And you'll feel amazing. Side effects may include smiling and delirious happiness.

Thanks for this, you have made me cry, in a sort of good way.

I've been on MSE for a long time, since my days of student debt, and have some spare money from living at home now - but this is what I mentioned in my first post - I've been doing these sorts of things but it feels sort of empty because I know I'm doing it to try and make myself feel better so it sort of cancels out any good feelings that may result from the action itself. I'm hoping this is something that will become less if I just keep plugging away and trying different things...?

Thank you again for your lovely words x

soup

I'm doing it to try and make myself feel better so it sort of cancels out any good feelings that may result from the action itself.

Yes, I can understand that. You sort of know before you do/buy something that although others may see it as a step up, you know its just for show and won't alter anything really.

EarlGrey81

Yeah exactly - friends are like "Oh wow you're so busy, oh that's so exciting that you're doing xxx and xxx" but it's meaningless, like going through the motions. I might feel good at the time but I'm still going home to my teenage bedroom... I guess I'm trying to 'fake it til I make it' but I'm not there yet!