Grief

CH27

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

I am afraid of being mis judged (so easily done by strangers even caring ones) calling helplines like cruise etc. I cant pour out every detail since losing my Dad 15 months ago plus his illness and the other family deaths and isssues. Its like an onion it has layers that run deep and a phone call just wont cut it. Its been a risk posting on here a public forum but I cant turn to friends or family as I dont want to burden them myself!

To answer Judiths question I am 39 Female and Welsh so have a close knit bond with my family but that has loosend over the past 10 years as I flew the nest.

I think if mum had her way she would be living with me and hubby and possibly not even paying her way.

Write it all down. Pour out all your feelings onto the page & then shred it.
Keep doing it as often as you need to.
I know it sounds odd but it's really theraputic.

TooSad

Crisp £ note - As others have said please see your GP, even if it's just to pour your frustrations out someone not involved in your family life.
I totally empathise with you and how you feel (see my thread - yes my husband has left me, but top and bottom of it is my depression relates back to my mum dying in Feb 2010, and my inability to grieve)
I feel that what you wrote about you'd mum is how I feel about my dad. It doesn't mean I don't love him, I love and card for him so much, but I can't deal with his safeness and emptiness on top of my own.

PM me if you want to.

Huge hugs coming your way xxx

purplepardalis

Dear OP, I'm in a similar situation myself - my mum is being selfish at the moment to the point I have cut off contact with her. My son died last December aged 9 days and it's been a terrible time. A few months ago after not having had the time to speak to my mum for a couple of days, she told me that she felt unloved by me. That was the straw that broke the camel's back (lots of build up to this). And now I don't talk to her at all. It is less stressful for me a d quite frankly I'm sure she's enjoying telling everyone what an awful daughter I am and basking in the sympathy

Crisp_£_note

Thank you for the support everybody I was expecting to have lots in favour of my Mum and making me feel even lower than I do now. First thing Monday I will go to my GP.

Tent_2

It would do you good to get away for a week and leave the phone at home.

Crisp_£_note

Tent wrote: »

It would do you good to get away for a week and leave the phone at home.

Yes it would but it is wishfull thinking at the moment too many reasons why I cant

heretolearn_2

You take care of yourself crisp, you sound like a nice person and a great daughter. I'm sorry for your mum, if she can't even live in her own home 15v months after your dad died she is having big problems, but try and keep an emotional distance from those problems yourself. It's not fair for you to be made to suffer more because your mum can't cope.

Alibat

You have my every sympathy Crisp as I am in a very similar position with my father. My mother died over twelve years ago and I feel I have never been allowed to grieve.

The pressure and stress my father puts me through has taken a huge toll on me. I can never relax and enjoy his company because I'm constantly waiting for the next outburst that I haven't rung him when he thinks I should, or about what a rubbish daughter I am because I haven't given my own life up to go and care for him as he thinks is my duty (he's perfectly ablebodied and capable of doing the things he thinks I ought to be doing), or even what a rubbish mother I am because when my daughters were children I had a part time school hours job (women shouldn't work you see).

My own loss and feelings have never been taken into account, from him arranging Mum's funeral on my younger daughter's sixth birthday to the present day. He acts and speaks as if he is the only one with legitimate feelings of loss. I consider myself quite a strong person but the constant grind and drip drip drip of pressure from him can be unbearable.

The only times I get a break from it all is when he really goes off at the deep end and decides not to talk to me. But the relief is tempered by feelings of guilt, self doubt and deep sadness at the situation.

Anyway, the point to all my rambling is, as well as you yourself getting some help and support is there any way you and your family could persuade your mother to get some too? Because no matter where you are mentally unless your mother changes her behaviour you are going to end up stuck in an ever repeating cycle much the same as I am with my father and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Sending you a big hug. Take care.

meg72

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

thats out of order.

op please ignore this person.

I do so agree.

make_me_wise

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

Can anyone help or support please I am desparate. I dont know where to go to help mum.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. I cannot imagine the pain of losing your dad and seeing those around you, that you love dearly, also struggle. I also cant imagine what your mum has gone through. It must be unbearable to lose your husband and try and keep going.

I do feel that your mum is going through more than grief though. What you describe of her emotional state, thought patterns and behaviour sounds more like someone who is having a kind of breakdown. It sounds like you and your brothers and her sisters are a loving family unit, yet she feels the need to almost bully you all into contacting her. Calling someone 3 times a day and having to leave messages even when they are out, to prove you called, is ridiculous.

Your mum would possibly benefit from some counselling. There is going to need to be some straight talking with her to let her know she cant carry on treating you all like this. If you and your brothers feel unable to say it to her face, write her a letter. Print off your post from here and send it to her. You have not been disrespectful to her in anyway. You just come across as a daughter desperately worried about her mum and family members and who needs space, time and understanding to grieve for a much loved dad.

If you bottle up all your feelings and dont allow yourself these things it will affect your health. You have obviously all lost someone extremely special and you all deserve to be able to grieve for him and recover from such an awful loss.

We cant always be all things to all people, we all need time for ourselves. Claim that time OP and dont feel guilty about it. (((hugs)))