Grief

make_me_wise

concerned43 wrote: »

I really feel sorry for your mum - your post shows just how devestated she is over your father's death. Your grief will be bery different from you mother's and cannot compare the two. I am in contact with my mother every day and visit her at least 3 times a week - it doesn't kill me and I am not sitting feeling sorry for myself. The fact that you cannot cope suggests you are depressed so a visit to your GP is in order. With regards to your mother - cut her some slack!

Go ahead and kick a person when they are down why dont you. You have no idea what kind of grief the OP is feeling. Everyone is different and handles loss in their own way. Well done you for being such an amazing support. We only have your word for it that you are.

Personally I think you are a troll with not a compassionate bone in your body who gets a kick out of being cruel to someone, when they are vulnerable. I have reported your post because I think it is totally out of order.

mountainofdebt

Tbh I doubt very much whether the OP's mum would go for counselling.

I'm not being mean but I have a friend who's sibling died and her mum point blank refused to go to counselling. Everyone could see that she would benefit from it but her. Perhaps its a generational thing I don't know.

It really does sound as if the OP's mum is denial - hasn't gone home since she was widowed, emotional blackmailing all those around her. Tbh I think a dose of tough love is needed .....if the OP's mum is allowed to get away with treating people the way she has been then she won't change and all the !!!!! footing around her won't help.

OP, would your aunties be prepared to have a word with her? It can't be much fun for them having a semi-permenant guest however much they love her. Otherwise I would suggest your OH has a word with her and let her know she isn't the only one grieving -but in the right way.

Crisp_£_note

Mum wont go for councelling she says she doesnt need any it wont do her any use as all she would do is cry !!

In fact when I mentioned my GP had refered me to a berevement councelor (last year and am stil waitng to see them, I mean I know they said there was a long waiting list but I have to question 15 months and still waiting long?) anyway when I told mum she asked me why I felt I needed one. She told me many years ago when I was going through a similar bad time I didnt know the meaning of depression and had no right to say I felt it !

Weve had a spate of family deaths (some close) over the past couple of years and I have had to cope with them all and be the strong rational one to pull everyone through. In which case this could be another reasons why she doesnt like to be left alone or doesnt want to be in her own home alone, as she is afraid she is going to pass over and nobody there for her.

I think she was in denial at the hospital as it was me who knew why we had been taken to one side to a quiet room and talked to by the consultants etc, it was me who had to phone my brother to let him know he needed to be with us as soon as he could and yes it was me who was sent home to wash my dads spare pyjamas (although I had been by his side all night long and it wasnt expected quite so quickly) when the phonecall came to tell me I needed to be there myself it was my brother but by the time I had got there it was too late and the only chance I had to say goodbye was a quick one before my brother needed a hug and my mum wanted one too. She has apologised 3 times for sending me home to do the washing and theres not a lot I could do to change the circumstances so I have accepted it. What hurts me though is I was there at my FIL bedside for my hubby and MIL and took the phonecall to my BIL yet I couldnt be there for my own daddy and I feel I let him down. Thats what gets me the most but like I say nothing I can do or say will change it so I must accept it and move on. Im not bitter either it just makes me want to cry as I feel I should have been there for my dad in his last moment, my brother and mother were but I was slightly too late.

I can understand the memories of the house she currently lives in (which she is now trying to sell as needs to downsize) but I dont think moving would solve the living alone issue as my brother and I originaly thought it would, as once she had moved there will again come the challenge of getting in and closing the door behind her and being alone in a quiet house.

The last couple of days she has been ok to phone but I am now anxious as I know it wont be too long before the next episode. Infact even though I told her yesterday I wasnt calling her today I am half expecting the sarcasm and maybe anger again tomorrow. Next weekend though I have decided not to make it a habbit of calling at all on a Saturday and a Sunday (I made exceptions this weekend) so I know come what may on the Monday that I get 2 days peace and a slightly cheaper phone bill.

Thanks for the continuing help and support everyone it really is much apreciated

mountainofdebt

Crisp

If its any help my OH wasn't there for either his mum or his dad - and if it helps anymore, his dad had the phonecall to get his backside to the hospital asap but MIL died before FIL, OH or SIL could get there.

Doesn't mean OH loved either of his parents or that the FIL didn't love MIL and it's the same with you and your dad.....he knew you loved him andhe you so don't beat yourself up about it.

Perhaps its because you've pulled everyone through the other deaths that now your needs are being overlooked. Time for some honesty -if you can't tell her out loud what you've said to us,write to her. Letters may be torn up but they can always be sellotaped together.

CH27

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

Mum wont go for councelling she says she doesnt need any it wont do her any use as all she would do is cry !!

In fact when I mentioned my GP had refered me to a berevement councelor (last year and am stil waitng to see them, I mean I know they said there was a long waiting list but I have to question 15 months and still waiting long?) anyway when I told mum she asked me why I felt I needed one. She told me many years ago when I was going through a similar bad time I didnt know the meaning of depression and had no right to say I felt it !

Weve had a spate of family deaths (some close) over the past couple of years and I have had to cope with them all and be the strong rational one to pull everyone through. In which case this could be another reasons why she doesnt like to be left alone or doesnt want to be in her own home alone, as she is afraid she is going to pass over and nobody there for her.

I think she was in denial at the hospital as it was me who knew why we had been taken to one side to a quiet room and talked to by the consultants etc, it was me who had to phone my brother to let him know he needed to be with us as soon as he could and yes it was me who was sent home to wash my dads spare pyjamas (although I had been by his side all night long and it wasnt expected quite so quickly) when the phonecall came to tell me I needed to be there myself it was my brother but by the time I had got there it was too late and the only chance I had to say goodbye was a quick one before my brother needed a hug and my mum wanted one too. She has apologised 3 times for sending me home to do the washing and theres not a lot I could do to change the circumstances so I have accepted it. What hurts me though is I was there at my FIL bedside for my hubby and MIL and took the phonecall to my BIL yet I couldnt be there for my own daddy and I feel I let him down. Thats what gets me the most but like I say nothing I can do or say will change it so I must accept it and move on. Im not bitter either it just makes me want to cry as I feel I should have been there for my dad in his last moment, my brother and mother were but I was slightly too late.

I can understand the memories of the house she currently lives in (which she is now trying to sell as needs to downsize) but I dont think moving would solve the living alone issue as my brother and I originaly thought it would, as once she had moved there will again come the challenge of getting in and closing the door behind her and being alone in a quiet house.

The last couple of days she has been ok to phone but I am now anxious as I know it wont be too long before the next episode. Infact even though I told her yesterday I wasnt calling her today I am half expecting the sarcasm and maybe anger again tomorrow. Next weekend though I have decided not to make it a habbit of calling at all on a Saturday and a Sunday (I made exceptions this weekend) so I know come what may on the Monday that I get 2 days peace and a slightly cheaper phone bill.

Thanks for the continuing help and support everyone it really is much apreciated

You did not let him down.
You did not let him down.
Repeat until you believe it.

I firmly believe that people have control over when they die. I've seen people wait for people to leave the room & then die.
I've also seen people hang on against the the odds to see someone or to achieve a goal.

What happened happened.
You have to accept you cannot change it.

It sounds as though you had a good relationship with your dad. Cling onto the good & don't focus on what you cannot change.

You are strong but even strong trees sway in the winds.

Do you have a local Women's Aid?
They offer free counselling with (i'm told) reasonable waiting lists.

make_me_wise

Oh hun I really feel for you. Keep in mind that it isn't the saying goodbye to someone that is most important. When someone is very seriously ill and in the last horus of their life, mostly they dont know who is there and who isn't. I tell myself that what matters most is how you treat someone when they are alive. I have to tell myself that as I was too late to say goodbye to my grandad years ago.

Dont let your mums remarks about needing counselling get you down. A strong person admits when it all gets too much and seeks helps, before their depression gets the better of them. Only you can know how you feel and how this loss has affected you. Chase up your gp about the counselling. 15 months wait is excessive, sounds to me like paperwork has been overlooked somewhere along the line. Take care OP, thinking of you.

Mojisola

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

What hurts me though is I was there at my FIL bedside for my hubby and MIL and took the phonecall to my BIL yet I couldnt be there for my own daddy and I feel I let him down. Thats what gets me the most but like I say nothing I can do or say will change it so I must accept it and move on. Im not bitter either it just makes me want to cry as I feel I should have been there for my dad in his last moment, my brother and mother were but I was slightly too late.

I had a close relative die this year and the family took turns to stay with him in the hospice so that there was someone with him all the time which is what he wanted. He was very fearful of dying alone.

I wasn't there when he died - another family member was. There was no way of knowing exactly when it would be. The family's feelings were that it was more important what we did for him while he was alive than exactly who was with him when he died. It sounds as if you did plenty for your Dad when he was alive.

From what you have written your mother is using the most appalling emotional blackmail on you and this is probably stopping you from grieving properly and moving on.

Get hold of Cruse and work through your feelings about your Dad's death. Start with their leaflets - https://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/Booklets.html.

I'm part of a close family and am all for family sticking together but not where one member is being badly treated by another. Your mother is manipulating you and it's got to stop. If she won't stop, you will have to distance yourself until she starts dealing with things herself instead of transferring her pain onto you.

It's a good idea not to phone her every day. If she starts on at you when you do phone, tell her you're going to put the phone down if she carries on and, if she does, put it down.

For your own well-being, you are going to have to put yourself first.

Crisp_£_note

Thank you thank you thank you everyone I just cant thank you all enough for your support.

I rang my Mum yesterday she was ok but agitated as my brother still has not called in over a week. I text my brother yet again to ask him to call her and finaly got a reply simply stating "at festival / call tomorrow" (I think this is probably due to my to the point text I sent him where I called him by his full name rather than his family name, in our family that means pay attention your in trouble ) So I responded with " Please make sure you do call her! She is at Aunty xxxxx and her number is xxxxxxxxx " (so he doesnt have the excuse he forgot the number).

She also told me that she couldnt talk for long as one of our families long established neighbours (Ive known her all my life, so shes more family than a friend) had a fall whils at her local bank. The paramedics called my aunty who lives next door as she is the emergency number on the mobile phone, but my aunty is with her daughter like myself is not at all local and has been for a few weeks as my cousin is expecting a baby (overdue) So my aunty had to call my other aunty who is the one looking after my mum at the moment and ask her to deal with it. At the time I rang there was no further news so I rang again today and the person who had the fall has broken a bone in her hand but is ol thankfully!
I even managed to joke with my mum that if they both got together they could manage to do things as mum has broken her right wirst and friend has broken her left hand.

This now though has reminded my mum just how vulnerable they all are and what will happen to them in the future etc etc? I told her she is welcome to come stay here and I will look after her whilst she has a broken wrist (which as I have said before is slightly impracticle with hospital apointments for checkups etc but somehow we would manage) as my aunty wont be able to cope looking after the 2 of them with her hectic church minister timetable. Mum said to me no I dont mean now at the moment I mean in the future were all getting so much older. I couldnt really answer this but I felt like reminding her that we cant worry too much about too far ahead in the future simply because the future can change so suddenly so making any plans now for 5 or 10 years is futile. Plan loosly for 6, 12, 18 and 24 months, have back up plans or things to drop back on. Tomorrow is another day. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why it is called the present as the saying goes.
Mum though said she has been on the phone all morning trying to sort out some problem or other of hers and also checking the arrangements for Thursday when she has to return to hospital for wrist check and change plaster. Again all things she seems to have to rely on others for.
Anyway I am just counting the hours and days before the next big downer.

balletshoes

have you made your GP appointment?

Crisp_£_note

balletshoes wrote: »

have you made your GP appointment?

Yes its next Monday afternoon